


Illumination

by Phoenix_Emrys



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Drama, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-19 12:26:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 72,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3610077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix_Emrys/pseuds/Phoenix_Emrys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Season 4. Based around the events of Absolute Power and The Light.</p><p>The arrival of the Harsesis child causes both Jack and Daniel to see themselves - and each other  - in a completely different light.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

JACK 

The wind seems to moan his name. "DANIEL." 

Shit, there it is again. Swear to God. Um - should I be worried about this? 

"Anybody else just hear that?" Daniel asks. 

"I think so." Carter confirms. 

Yeah. Me too. NOT getting weird, here. Good to know. 

"Look!" 

Kasuf's voice is awed as he gestures to a few wisps of sand swirling. The wind gusts, buffeting against me. I gape as the wisps of sand abruptly solidify, spiralling savagely into the sky, looming sullenly over us. 

"Now THAT'S impressive!" I call out, making sure Kasuf gets the message. An honest-to-goodness tornado leaves any NUMBER of burning bushes for DUST. As proportional responses go, this one is quite flattering. I guess bad news like me spreads fast. 

While close proximity to the aforementioned tornado would suggest to anyone else a prompt strategic withdrawal is in order, my very own Great and Powerful Oz grabs onto his boonie and makes a break for the Emerald City. 

"DANlEL!" Jesus. Can't take my eyes off him for a SECOND. He turns to face me, looking puzzled. 

"Try to keep in Kansas, huh?" I yell. 

Focus, Toto, focus. That's a big honkin' tornado right there, and here's me without my ruby slippers. If this thing blows right over us, whaddya expect me to do about it? Shoot it? 

"I was just - uh," he waves a vague hand. 

He was just gonna follow the yellow brick road? Why am I not surprised? Becoz, becoz, becoz, becoz, becoz. Becoz of the dumbass things he does. 

"I'm Daniel!" he hollers. "Who's calling?" 

Not Glinda the Good Witch of the North, I'm guessing. 

You're kidding! That WORKED? Daniel is good, but he's not THAT good. Somebody hit the tornado off-switch or something? It's just -- OH boy! Literally. Where in God's name did HE come from? Short stuff looks like an escapee from Kung Fu in those orange pyjamas. Walking steadily towards Daniel like the rest of us aren't even here. 

Kid looks around eight years old, but he sure doesn't act like it as he comes to a halt a short distance away from Daniel. Those cool, serious eyes fixed on Daniel make Teal'c look giddy and light-hearted. 

"I am Shifu. I am Harsesis." 

Fuck me. 

I turn in time to see Daniel stiffen. Jesus. It's just one kick in the butt after another for him. 

* * *

I can distinctly remember the last I time I felt this edgy. This awkward. The reason is one I've put behind me, though she's sitting at my side. All that - confusion - over Carter is in the past. In perspective. In its place. Over. Now I don't know why the hell I'm uncomfortable around Daniel all of a sudden, or why this reminder of my best friend's dead wife has the 'omigawd' meter running. I haven't handled this situation well from the beginning, and I don't know why. I just don't know why. 

Sha'uri is like a wall between us and Daniel, the only wound he won't have touched. He can't have it touched, not by us. Not by me. There isn't one of us sitting at the table that wouldn't have done exactly what Teal'c did if we had to. Carter and I will be glad to our dying day it wasn't either of us who killed Sha'uri, but there was no question we would have done it. For Daniel. 

The Air Force doesn't exactly encourage its officers to do the 'what if' routine, but THAT gave us both cold chills. Not even a question of IF. Nothing so easy. WHEN. One of those nightmare scenarios that have you up night after night at three am. 

I've known Sha'uri from the beginning. Knew more of her, thought more of her than anyone else in the SGC apart from Daniel. I know for a goddamn fact I wouldn't have given her half the time Teal'c did while Amonet was frying Danny. Teal'c did the right thing, and he did it for the right reasons. Selflessly. He had the hope but not the expectation Daniel would forgive him, and he took the risk anyway. He was prepared to sacrifice their hard won friendship for Daniel's life. 

I would have done the exact same thing, but for the wrong reasons. I know it to be true Teal'c factored Sha'uri's life into the equation, gave her every opportunity to fight Amonet; gave her every chance to live. I would have thought only of Daniel. I don't how or when or why it happened, but it got personal. He gave himself so freely to our friendship that somewhere along the way I guess I started thinking of Daniel as mine. 

I would have weighed Sha'uri's life against Daniel's and found her wanting. No doubt in my mind. I held my fire for Skaara 'til the last possible second but Sha'uri would have gotten the full clip the instant I walked in that tent. And I would have pulled that trigger in the sure and certain knowledge of Daniel's forgiveness. Again, not a question of if. WHEN. 

I'm not proud of myself, not proud of any of the chaotic, caustic emotions that shot through me when I saw Daniel lying next to his dead wife. I shut them down, hard, before they could take root. Sorrow. Fear. Guilt. Relief. Glad -- Part of me was glad it was finally over. For his sake. 

Except it wasn't over, because of her child. Another situation I haven't handled well from the beginning. 

Daniel's been in that tent with the kid for a long time. Too long a time to spend alone with living, breathing proof of his wife's unwilling infidelity. He can empathise with that, he can forgive. He has common ground. He's been forced against his will and his conscience twice, and the least said about that fucking bitch Linea the better. She was after him from the MOMENT she laid eyes on him, I just - I - he - he's the bane of my life. I just can't seem to STOP these things happening to him, prevent him from being hurt. 

I still remember the first time I laid eyes on him. I couldn't equate the intimidating academic achievements of the Dr Jackson in the file with the reality. I'd never met anyone like Daniel in my life. No one else on the base had either. Not just a genius. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. First and only goddamn time I ever beheld it in a man. What with the hair curling at the nape of his neck and all, he was one of those Pre-Raphaelites made flesh. I've been physically aware of Daniel, of course, couldn't fail to be in places like Hadante and Netu, but -- 

Speak of the devil: look who decided to join us. At long last. Strange, how his features are suddenly coming into such sharp focus for me -- So easy just to - to - especially the way the sun is - sun -- glasses, I need my sunglasses. 

Sunglasses. Yeah. Getting dazzled here. 

"Well, I think that he is the Harsesis." Daniel says steadily as he plants himself in front of me, elegant hands on slender hips. 

Sunlight kinda glinting down and turning his hair - and skin - to - to - er - movement. I've got movement on my periphery. Someone walking up behind me. I look around hopefully, I gotta say I'd welcome ANY distraction just now. Oh, come on lady, gimme something to WORK with here! TRY to look threatening, will ya? Cut a guy some slack when he's - er - focusing. I'm not even asking for threatening. Suspicious, that'd do it for me. No? No. 

Turning his… 

"How is that possible?" Carter asks. 

How the hell would I know? Not like I've never seen him in daylight before. Gets out plenty. Sunkissed. Glowing. Y'know? Hot. HEALTHY. That's the one. Danny looks - healthy - is all. 

"I'm not sure. He says he grew like the weeds." Daniel looks - Daniel is unimpressed with the explanation. 

"Apophis sired the child to be his next host." Teal'c says thoughtfully. "It is possible he used Goa'uld technology to manipulate the boy's body to mature quickly." 

"We know that's possible." Daniel's wry glance has me holding up my hands in mock surrender. So I got to have my cake and eat it. Big deal. It's not like I've made a HABIT of fooling around on you! On us. On the TEAM. 

"Does he speak of the knowledge passed on to him by Amonet and Apophis?" 

Teal'c at least is never cause for weirdness of any kind and he's still the only one of us who can bring himself to say the name. 

"He says Oma taught him to forget," Daniel shrugs. 

I straighten up a little. "Oma?" That sounds familiar. 

"The alien we encountered on Kheb. Mother Nature." 

Ah. I point an acknowledging finger. If I remember correctly, hell hath no fury like THIS mother scorned. 

"Guess that explains the tornado." Carter says, not taking her eyes off Daniel. Guess she's doing the silent sisterly support stuff. 

"Shifu says he came to Abydos to learn more about his mother." 

"Shi-fu?" Like tofu? 

"His name. Means - light." 

I nod and look away. Did he HAVE to bring up the light again? I JUST got my wayward train of thought back on the tracks here. Crap. Isn't there anything round these parts worth focusing on? Apart from Daniel? And I don't mean sand. 

"I think we should have Doctor Fraiser take a look at him. I mean, if he's been altered to grow quickly, it could still be happening." Carter suggests. 

"Do you think it's WISE to bring him back?" That is in fact a reprehensibly STUPID idea with fallout potential of epic and possibly biblical proportions. What the fuck kinda tactical response am I supposed to generate for a tornado, for Chrissake? And why am I still looking at Daniel when it's my 2IC who mooted the point? 

"I don't think he's a danger." 

THIS from the guy who thought the Destroyer of Worlds was a peach? Not that I'm doubting your judgement here, Daniel, but you have GOT to stop thinking people are as sweet and nice as you are. You might very well bring out the best in the people - people like me, who KNOW you - though not in the biblical - OBVIOUSLY not. Biblical. Desert. Yeah. It's the desert. The robes. Stuff. Gotta stop thinking about - stuff - focus - not on HIM - make like the colonel here. 

"What about his step mom? Is she coming along?" Jeez. I SINCERELY hope not. The SGC can live without the sorta special effects would make Spielberg sit up and eat his heart out. Especially as hers aren't effects. 

"He says, ultimately, a man travels his chosen path alone." 

My path is unexpectedly taking my mind places I SO do not want it to go. I don't think I'M in Kansas any more. I can't tear my eyes off Daniel and, so help me, I can't get the - biblical - connotations off my mind. 

"Smart kid." I turn to Carter. "Get a message to Hammond, let him know who we're bringing along." 

When I glance back, Daniel looks conflicted. Almost worried. I don't blame him. He has his promise to Sha'uri to keep on one hand and our need for information on the other. I can't see any way he can fulfil both obligations, and when the two inevitably clash, Daniel, as usual, will be caught right in the cross-fire. I gotta do my duty. but that doesn't stop me doing a little hand holding. So to speak. In private. Encourage him to open up to me. 

"Jack, I'm going to spend a little time with Kasuf. Find out what he's told Shifu about Sha'uri." 

"Er, sure. Sure. We got time. Take all the time you need, Daniel." I hope it doesn't sound in my voice, this sudden resentment singeing through me. She's been gone over a year. Why the hell can't the cosmos just let her, and Daniel - and me - be? Can't we put her behind us, get on with our lives? Is that SO much to ask? 

Even when Daniel is inside the tent, I can't stop staring after him. We did not need this. She's haunted our - haunted? Our? Jesus. I can't be jealous of Sha'uri. Can I? I can't be so petty, so goddamn selfish I don't want to share any part of him with her. Even with the memory of her. Can I? 

This is about him. Why do I feel like it's about me? 

* * *

As I step through the event horizon I spin and check behind me until I'm sure Daniel and the kid are right on my six. It's unnatural, unnerving, never supposed to be this way. I come through last, that's the way it is. I watch Daniel's rear. It's my right and my duty as team leader to dispose the team as I see fit and I see fit to always keep Daniel right where I can watch his butt. 

Over. Watch over his - oh, forget it. What the HELL is wrong with me? This is DANNY, for Chrissake. 

A little strategic distance between Daniel and I seems advisable just at this moment, so I hustle down the ramp and take refuge with the general. 

Daniel stands with a protective hand at the kid's back. "Shifu, this is General Hammond. He's the leader of this facility." 

All things considered, I'd better keep my mind on the kid and off Daniel. Both of 'em could blow up in my face at this rate. I stare determinedly at Shifu and try to look interested in him and not my - not in Daniel. 

"Welcome to Earth," the general says warmly, smiling a little. 

"A spark lights a flame, but the candle will only burn as long as the wick," Shifu responds meaningfully. 

Hammond turns to me. Like I have a clue? We all look at our linguist. Daniel's body language is insisting he's not touching that one. Touching. NOT good. I'm not touching the touching. 

"If I may, sir." Crap. Tongue engaging BEFORE brain. "I think what he means is the wick is the centre of the candle, and ostensibly a great leader \- like yourself - " Cool. Dense AND fawning. Stellar translation service, O'Neill, " - is essential to the whole ball of wax." I shape a circle in the air with my hands, like that helps him swallow the crap I'm spouting. I'm drowning in my own bullshit here and plunge desperately on, hoping momentum will get me through. "Basically, what it means is that it's always better to have a big - long - wick. Right?" 

WRONG. WRONG. Couldn't BE more wrong. Jesus. I did NOT say that to Danny. TELL me I did NOT just say that to Danny. PLEASE. 

Daniel gives me a weird look tells me I said EXACTLY that to him and then wrenches his gaze away. Yep. I did. I think I made him blush too. Way to go, O'Neill! 

"Don't look at me," Daniel emphasises, shrugging and avoiding my eyes as he gently leads Shifu past me. 

I'm TRYING. I've BEEN trying to stop since I started. I can't. Just can't. Not waving here. Drowning. I did it. I said it. It's out there and I'm outta options. Damage control. As in, need to do some. Like, NOW. 

"That's right, though? Right?" I insist as Shifu passes me, then I turn and shrug helplessly at the General when neither Daniel nor Shifu deign to acknowledge my humble existence. 

The general. I just came on to Daniel in front of my commanding officer. George might not have picked up on it, but God help me, Daniel did. 

I just came on to Daniel. Right here in the gateroom. What the hell is wrong with me? 

And please, God, let him think that was a joke. 

* * *

I'm slumped back in my chair chewing a finger. Haven't done that since I was about twelve. Nerves. I'm nervous. Pathetic. Daniel has more on his mind than his erstwhile team leader and best friend making frigging wick jokes in the gateroom. Or should I say making gratuitous phallic references. Or just cut to the goddamn chase -- making - weird - advances. 

"Doctor?" Hammond gives Doc Fraisier the nod. 

"Sir, I found traces of the same nanite technology that once prematurely aged Colonel O'Neill." 

I lean in front of her and crane to read the notes in the file. Whadda they say about me? They name a disease after the person who discovers it, don't they? O'Neill Syndrome? Can't quite make it out -- 

"Now, I've had them analysed by some of the foremost experts in the field," Janet says crisply. 

I'm guessing she doesn't mean me and I should get my nose outta her file before she TAKES it out. I lean back. She still gives me a LOOK. They should bottle whatever the Doc has and make it freely available at the Air Force Academy. It would DRAMATICALLY improve the calibre of the officer candidates, at least when it came to ability to silently intimidate. 

"And they say they appear to be inactive." 

Jeez, be a lot easier to read if she'd slide the file a little closer. Foremost experts, huh? Just for little old me. I happen to BE the foremost expert. Only one with first hand experience. About time I contributed to the reasoned debate. 

"So, they shut themselves off already?" I ask intelligently. 

"Well, it's possible the boy's already reached the pre-programmed age." 

Janet is just being picky. I'm right and she knows it. 

"Or Oma figured out a way to stop it." Daniel's hands are clasped in front of him, like he doesn't know what to do with them, thumbs engaged in a constant nervous dance. 

"Either way, we can assume he's in no immediate physical danger," the general comments. 

"Yes, sir," the Doc confirms. 

"What about the information this boy apparently knows? What exactly can he tell us?" Hammond asks Teal'c. 

"He was born with the genetic memory of all the Goa'uld who came before him." Teal'c's tone is sombre. 

"So the kid should know everything Apophis knew when he -- " my eyes go to Daniel's shuttered face. I can't say it. I cannot sit here and calmly talk about a Goa'uld we both hate screwing my best friend's beloved dead wife. I can't be that cruel, especially not when the burning issue on my mind is how come I suddenly - apparently - unbelievably - want to, y'know. Kinda. With him. I make a vague gesture with my fist, hoping to God I don't have to spell it out, then spread my hands apologetically. 

Daniel leans a little closer. "Fathered the boy," he says precisely. 

I stand, or rather sit, corrected. "That," I let my finger do my talking and give him an apologetic look. 

"That must be an awfully big burden for a young child to carry," Hammond muses. 

"That is why all Goa'uld are born evil," Teal'c states flatly. 

"It also explains why a benevolent being like Oma Desala would help the boy to bury those memories in his subconscious, so he could lead a normal life," Daniel informs us pointedly. 

We can always rely on Daniel, our very own vocal moral minority, to keep us firmly focused on the stuff we absolutely don't want to think about. It's never enough for him we do what we gotta do, we also gotta do the right thing for the right reason too. He annoys the crap out of me over this stuff, letting me get a good head of steam going, then taking me out at the knees when I fall short of the mark, always from the one direction I don't see coming. I don't know why I even argue. I always lose. 

"Sir, we've received word from the Tok'ra." 

I turn as Carter's voice brings the totally unwelcome news. "Oh, did we REALLY have to call THEM?" I say indignantly. 

"We have a treaty with them, Colonel. Specifically mentioned is the full exchange of all potential sources of information pertinent to the Goa'uld." Hammond rebukes me. 

Remembering how many times they've fucked us over makes me roll my eyes heavenwards. For God's sake, when are people going to clue in this is a one way street here? 

"They say they can use the memory recall device to extract information without harming him physically," Carter addresses Daniel specifically. 

The kid ISN'T Daniel's! Don't shift this burden on HIM, Carter. We're ALL involved. 

"What about mentally?" Janet's not happy either. 

"Ah \- what about emotionally?" Daniel looks to me as he asks this, then around to the others. "Er - think about what we'd be exposing him to," he turns to Hammond, "We'd be flooding his mind with the thoughts of a thousand Hitlers, one of whom happened to put a - " he falters, " - a snake in his mother - uh." 

Daniel can't finish. He just trails off and stares down at the tabletop. 

I hate that he's having to go through this in front of everyone. It's never enough for Daniel to be hurt, the vast cosmic injustice of life absolutely HAS to go the distance for him and make sure there are plenty of frigging witnesses every single frigging time. 

"Look, I realise we're talking about protecting the Earth and potentially eliminating the Goa'uld entirely but - ah -- " 

What? Isn't that MY line? Someone switch scripts on me here? 

"It seems to me the boy is fairly wise, well beyond his years in fact. Isn't it possible he might comprehend the situation if you explained it to him?" Hammond also addresses Daniel. 

This is where he goes up like a rocket and tears us a new one for even SUGGESTING -- 

"Uh \- " Daniel sighs. "Well, I guess so, but I doubt he'd be willing to remember, and even if he is, how can we ask him to?" 

Daniel can't meet ANYONE'S eyes, and God knows I'M trying to meet his. I can't believe I'm hearing this. We in the twilight zone? This is Daniel. DANIEL. The annoyingly loud and insistent voice of my conscience for four years. Daniel, just rolling over and playing the good little get-with-the-program soldier? How fucked is that? 

"Well, if he's forgotten before, maybe he could forget again." Carter is sympathetic, but duty comes first, last, always in her book. 

Daniel sighs again and looks away. He's going to do it. MY Daniel is going to DO it. What the fuck is going on here? This is the same guy who stood up in this same briefing room, and fought the good fight for Linea, nailing both Teal'c and I to the wall to make his point because he thought it was the right thing to do. The quintessential Dudley goddamn Do Right. He can do THAT, do that to US for the Destroyer of Worlds but NOT do THIS for Sha'uri's child? 

I don't get this. This is not the Daniel I know. What the hell happened? I know we haven't exactly been living in one another's pockets lately, but we're okay. He's okay. He's always okay. Can't be anything bothering him; he'd have come to me. He would. No question. He knows I've always got time, no matter how busy I - he knows. We're fine. 

Had a few shaky missions recently, but we're fine. 

I keep thinking that right until Hammond dismisses us, and Daniel leaves me high and dry, striding off with Teal'c hovering protectively over him. 

That's MY job. Teal'c? Daniel comes to ME. That's the way it is. The way it's always been. SUPPOSED to be that way. 

It bothers the hell out of me that I didn't see this coming. Not the way he'd react, nor that he wouldn't have filled me in on whatever it is that's making him feel whatever this is. I don't KNOW. It's the first time EVER I don't know what's going on with him. 

Did we - when did we stop talking? 

* * *

DANIEL

"Well, I guess so, but I doubt he'd be willing to remember, and even if he is, how can we ask him to?" 

And yet, with everything that's at stake, how can we not? 

He has her eyes. 

Can't stop thinking about them, can't get them out of my head as I try not to look at another pair of eyes. Watching me. Weighing me. Assessing me. Both sets of eyes - the ones of the man on the other side of the table, the ones of the boy examining me in my mind's eye - taking my measure and finding me -- 

Wanting? 

This isn't the time. I can't be bothered with self-indulgent mental ramblings or thinking about anything except what needs to be done. Focus, Daniel. Stay with the program. Since Apophis killed Heru'ur and gained control of his forces, the galaxy - and the Earth - has been in the gravest danger it has ever known from the Goa'uld. We did our good deed, tried to stop the 'worst' from happening and in the end all we achieved was to hand our bitterest enemy yet more means to destroy us. 

We all stood there helpless to stop it from happening, knowing we didn't have a single way of opposing him. Not a hope in hell if he decided the time was finally right to settle a few scores. Nothing we could do. Not a goddamned thing. That is, not until a little miracle was dropped into our laps like so much manna. 

Miracles. That's what children are. What they're supposed to be. They're supposed to be conceived in love, born as innocents, nurtured and protected in constancy; a source of joy and pride. 

Not a reminder of an unspeakable act and an embodiment of the hopes for deliverance of an entire planet. Possibly an entire galaxy. 

Millions \- billions of lives. Weighed against one small boy. God. 

Jack has always said I needed to develop a sense of proportion. Needed to be able to see the big picture. Get a proper sense of perspective. 

Oh, I think I'm finally there. This is about as 'big picture' as it gets. No room for my petty personal scruples in this scenario. There's too much at stake. Too many lives depending on -- 

I know what we're planning to ask of this boy is wrong, but - I have to remember to be strong. Sha'uri was strong. Right 'til the end. She understood what the boy was, how important he is. She fought to reach me, to tell me what he was, made me promise I'd find him. She knew. She understood what was at stake. 

I have to remember this, have to be strong. I have to do this. It's what Sha'uri - it's what she wanted. What she asked me to do. 

Sam is right. I have to trust that Oma will look after him. If she made him forget once before, she can do it again. Oma wouldn't have let him come to me - to us - if she didn't trust us. We're not going to hurt him. He's strong. Brave. Like his mother. I'll be right there with him, help him understand how important this is, how much GOOD he can do if he helps us. 

That's it. Think of the good. That's better. That's the way. When it comes right down to it, none of us really matter. What we want, what happens to us - it doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. What we do - what we're willing to do for the greater good. That's all that matters. 

Think of all the good it will do. Hold that thought. 

I've made my choice. Not that I need to, not that it makes any difference any more, certainly not lately, but I guess old habits die hard - I look across at Jack. Looking for -- 

For what? 

Approval? Support? Understanding? That's a laugh. Once upon a time when I was his good little Dannyboy he'd pat me on the head and hand me a lollipop whenever I did what he wanted but somewhere along the way -- I committed the unpardonable sin. I grew up. Had the temerity to cut the apron strings. He'll never forgive me for it. It was bound to happen some time, I suppose. Truth is, I was NEVER the inept, wide-eyed innocent he took me for, but he so needed to see me that way, that God help me, I let him. 

So I guess if anyone's to blame for us falling out it's me. I couldn't keep up my side of the bargain. Just couldn't be 'Dannyboy' to his 'Poppa Jack,' anymore. Too much has happened. Too much. Have to reap what I've unwittingly sown. 

I know what I'm going to see as I look at him and yet I look anyway. He doesn't disappoint me. More disapproval. More bewilderment. God, Jack, I really can't win with you, can I? I'm finally getting with the program and am still getting the 'what? are you nuts?' look from you. 

I used to be able to please this colonel all of the time. Then I could only please him some of the time. Now? Now I've graduated to pleasing him none of the time. O'Neill's Law of Diminishing Returns. 

Well, screw you, JACK! Who fucking needs you anyway? Go play with your wick and work it out for yourself. I've got more important things to do. One of us is going to save this planet. No matter what it takes. There won't be any more stolen, violated wives and innocent children used as weapons if I have anything to say about it. 

Shifu will understand. Once I explain to him what's at stake, once I explain to him this is what his mother wished - he'll understand. He'll help us. 

* * *

His eyes are so deep, so wise. So much like his mother's. I look at him, but Sha'uri is all I see. 

"She spoke to you through the Goa'uld hand device?" Shifu's dark, fathomless eyes are wide with wonder. She'd look at me the same way, marvelling at the simplest of things. 

"Yes," I nod. Spoke to me, held me, kissed me. 

Told me she loved me. 

"She was strong." 

So strong, so brave. Right to the very end. I can't let everything she fought for come to nothing. I can't. I won't. 

My heart fills, aching with the memories called forth by his eyes. I have to change my focus. Break the connection. Look away. It doesn't help; I can still feel him watching me. 

I wonder what he sees? 

"In those moments, as Amonet tried to kill me, I felt like I lived a lifetime." 

The lifetime we should have had together. The lifetime STOLEN from us. 

I love you too. I said it. I told her. But she didn't hear me. Already gone. 

"Like a dream." Shifu approves. 

"Yes." A dream. One beautiful, bittersweet, impossible dream. 

He smiles a little. "Dreams teach." 

// You are the only one who can save the boy, Danyiel. // 

What? 

"Sometimes." Something - something in his eyes. Reminding me -- I find it so hard to look into his eyes. HER eyes. And yet I can't seem to stop looking at him. Seeing her. Something she was trying to tell me, suddenly not sure. 

"In this one, I got the chance to say goodbye and - your mother told me how important YOU were." 

Yes, that's what she was trying to tell me. What he was. What I had to do. Why I needed to find him. 

// Promise me you will save the child. // 

What? 

"Oma teaches the true nature of a man is determined in the battle between his conscious mind and the desires of the subconscious." Shifu says gravely. "Oma teaches the evil in my subconscious is too strong to resist. The only way to win is to deny it battle." 

[ I promised he would be safe. ] 

I did. He will. Oma started the job. Now she's trusting me to take over. We NEED him. We need the knowledge he has. Sha'uri knew this, that's why she -- She understood. Oma has to understand this as well. That's why she sent him here - now. To us. 

To me. 

It'll be all right. I'll help him. He won't be alone. We'll get through this together. What I couldn't do for Sha'uri, I'll do for him. I'll keep my promise. 

Keep my promise. 

It all makes sense. I know I'm doing the right thing. I know I'm doing what needs to be done. What Sha'uri wanted me to do. 

Why then, when I look into his eyes, does it suddenly feel so -- wrong? 

I shift uncomfortably in my seat, eyes on the ground again. Makes it easier on me not to look at him as I try to make him understand what has to be. "Yeah." I straighten up to make the attempt to face him, but still can't meet his eyes. It's just because I have to concentrate, focus on what's important. Not because I can't look at him while I lie. 

"The thing is, we can't deny the battle against the Goa'uld forever." They're evil. They've killed and enslaved millions; they deserve to die. Every last one of them. They're responsible for the death of your MOTHER! They - did this to you! Made you what you are. Surely you of all people can see why we HAVE to stop them! 

"And the information buried within your memory could really help us." 

You can stop them, Shifu. Help me - help us stop them. Has to be done. We can't let this go on. All this pain, suffering, someone has to stop it. Answer for it. I need - I need to see it end. Whatever it takes I will \- I will see it end. 

"You have chosen a path that leads to me because of this." Shifu declaims solemnly, his young brow furrowing with a look of concern. For me. 

He's concerned. For me. About me. It's all I can do to stop from jumping up and running away from him. Stop it. Stop LOOKING at me like that. This isn't about me. 

"Yes." Yes, I guess I did. The instant Apophis took Sha'uri from me my course was set. It has brought me right to you. My first real chance to make all the wrongs - right. To make a difference. Apophis meant to use you as a host. To use you. That's not what I want. I want to HELP you understand what you have. What you have the POWER to do. Don't you understand? You've got the power, the knowledge to HURT them. Stop them! Use it! I'll help you. I know Oma has told you the knowledge within you is too evil to resist, but only if you try and face it alone. I'll help you. We'll make sure it's used properly. I'll make sure it's used properly. Only to do good. To spare my - to spare others their suffering. 

I promise. 

I'll protect you. I promised your mother I'd keep you safe. She knew I could, knew she could trust me. Said I was the only one who could save you. 

It'll be all right. You can trust me. 

"You must release your burden before you will find your own way again." 

( You do not have the same evil within you. But you have your own burdens of which to rid yourself. ) 

"Yeah. Someone else once said that to me." 

Hello again floor. Why can't I LOOK at him? I know what I have to do, that I'm doing the right thing. "The thing is, this is my way. I chose this path to honour Sha'uri's strength." 

[ The Goa'uld are responsible for the death of my wife. As well as millions and millions of other people. How can I NOT hate them. ] 

Yes, I know I said this, but that isn't why I'm -- this has to be done - the Goa'uld have to be opposed and defeated for the good of everyone. My particular sorrows don't matter. This isn't about me. 

It isn't. 

"Ultimately, it isn't about me." Or this incredibly fascinating spot on the floor I've found. "Or you, for that matter." 

( Your hate will lead to the child's death. ) 

"I understand," Shifu says serenely, and yet sadly. 

What? 

"The Tok'ra have a way to help you remember only certain things. How Goa'uld technology works, their weaknesses. And then afterwards, maybe Oma can help you forget again." 

I'm sure she can. I know she can. If she can do it once -- 

"If the instrument is broken, the music will be sour." 

No, don't want to hear this can't - can't allow myself to - this ISN'T going to hurt him. It ISN'T. 

"The music does not play the musician." 

That made him smile. I hope - I hope he understands I'd never hurt him. I - I wouldn't -- 

"Normally, there is truth in that." 

Maybe not. 

"Really? Good. Because I really didn't have any idea what I was talking about." Sounded good, though, didn't it? I've got this ghost of a smile on my face, the first semi-positive expression I've been able to muster since I came in here, and he's smiling back with a whole lot more conviction than me. Which makes me feel so much worse. "All I know is this is very important, or I wouldn't ask." 

Very important. Life and death. Life and -- 

Oh God - Sha'uri. She asked me to promise to SAVE him! 

Shifu is sombre. He lifts his hand and touches it to my forehead. He's emanating a white light, like the light Oma - 

* * *

{ Depending on the degree of mental control you are able to achieve it is possible to inflict considerable pain upon the victim in steadily increasing increments before the threshold beyond which the organic tissues become irreparably damaged is reached. It is not easy to achieve such subtle control, but the results are worth the effort. } 

What? What was that? 

God. Head. Absolutely splitting. Haven't felt pain like this since -- No wonder I'm thinking about ribbon devices. 

What \- what happened? 

"Colonel, he's awake." 

That's Janet's voice. Where? Maybe if I opened my eyes. 

"What happened?" Okay, so I'm going for practical, not dazzlingly original. 

"I was going to ask you the same thing. You were talking to the boy, then you suddenly collapsed." 

I hardly hear Janet's answer. My head, swooping, swirling as if a door is opening up in my mind, something huge, unfathomable rushing up toward me -- 

Or \- or dragging me down. 

"Hey! How you feeling?" 

Open my eyes again. Jack. Of course. Face as worried as his voice sounded. Like I should be surprised. Seems lately whenever I find myself in this position, his is always the first face I see. There's something - something comforting in that. 

Whatever it was fuzzing my head up, it's over. Funny. Pain is gone too. Don't feel all mentally jumbled and confused. Just the opposite. Everything is clear. Astonishingly clear. Simply astonishing. 

"Fine. I'm - uh - I'm fine." Yeah. That's right. I'm fine. No harm done. Better than fine, maybe, in fact. 

"Er \- listen. What happened with the kid in there?" Jack's still not convinced. He wouldn't be worried if he could see what I'm seeing now. 

Son of a bitch. Smart kid. Way smarter than me. Never even occurred to me there was another way. 

"I asked him for something. Anything that would help us fight the Goa'uld." 

"Yeah?" 

"And I think he gave it to me." 

Nobody does sceptical quite like Jack, but I have to say, Janet runs him a close second on this occasion. Would it KILL Jack to take me at my word, just ONCE? Why do I have to PROVE it - prove MYSELF to him, over and over again? 

* * *

"These are the long range sensors," I explain to Sam as I indicate the diagram on the board. I'm still having a bit of a hard time taking this all in. I actually KNOW all of this. Not just - this - what I'm showing Sam now, but oh, God, all of it. There's just so MUCH - information -- 

"I don't even know what to ask first." 

That makes two of us, Sam. I don't know where to start to get all of this 'catalogued.' Sorted, mentally organised, evaluated, prioritised, sifted. Such a tremendous wealth of information. Such a huge responsibility. I want to make absolutely sure I get the maximum value from what I've been given. Get at what we most need. What will be of the best use to Earth. 

Shifu gave this to me not simply because I asked him to. He gave it to ME. Not Sam, Not Teal'c, not Jack. ME. He chose me. He's trusting me to understand what I have and to use it properly. I can't let him down. I can't let the Earth down. 

I won't. 

"Well the translation might be a little off, everything in my head is actually in Goa'uld." Working on it. Working on it. It's all coming at me a little fast, it's a lot to take it in but I'll get it all sorted out. Just have to get used to having all this -- stuff -- in my head. 

I'll be fine. I can handle it. 

"Where does it get its power from?" 

Sam is speaking to me. Trying to focus on what she's saying. She's so excited, like a kid in a candy store. This has to be her dearest fantasy come true. All the things we'll be able to discover, mysteries she'll be able to explore, questions she'll finally have the answers for. 

That is, if she asks me nicely. 

"Liquid naquadah fuel cell, here," I frown and tap the diagram on the board in front of me. 

What? Where, where did THAT come from? Asks me NICELY? 

"LIQUID naquadah?" she peers at me incredulously. 

That's what I said. Surprise. I know something YOU don't know. Hell, a LOT of stuff you don't know! Now I'm the one with the cold, hard facts. Not - not intuition. Not FEELINGS that only turn out to be 'facts' after YOU take over and take all the credit. Bet you won't be cutting me down in front of the colonel now, huh Sam? Suddenly Daniel is the one who has all the answers. Your new best friend. Wonder what you'd be willing to do to stay my 'friend?' 

"Well, actually it's heavy liquid naquadah, but don't ask me what makes it heavy. At least, not yet." 

Come to think of it, it must really be eating your up you have to ASK me about any of this. All this wonderful technical stuff. Should be in YOUR head, not mine, right? After all, I'm only a stupid archaeologist. I couldn't POSSIBLY have the ability to understand and appreciate this stuff the way you could. 

You should have been the one Shifu picked, right, Sam? That's what you're thinking. What you've been thinking all this time while you're standing there making nice and picking my brains. Only because you've got no other choice. Only way you'll get any of it is if you kiss up to me and pretend you don't mind you're strictly second chair this time. And won't get to be the big cheese no matter what. 

You never liked me. Not really. This must be just KILLING you. Having to make nice to DAN-iel. When all the time it should have been you. 

I'm just that much better than you one more time, Sam, dear. 

"Daniel, this -- " Sam's voice, full of awe and wonder, cutting through my thoughts like an accusing knife. 

God! What, what - what am I thinking? Where is all of this coming from? Sam \- Sam's my friend. She wouldn't think - I - I wouldn't - wouldn't -- 

"Are you okay?" 

She sounds genuinely concerned. Must have seen me flinch. I feel too ashamed to admit what just happened, what I was just thinking about her. Crazy stuff. Must just be the stress of having to deal with all this technical information. Once I get it all properly organised, it won't be so overwhelming. So confusing. 

It'll be fine. Nothing to worry about. I can handle it. 

"Yeah," I grin reassuringly at her, "it's just that strange things keep flying into my mind." Don't sweat it Sam, I'm fine. It's nothing. Nothing you need to worry about. I'll deal with it. I rub my eyes, shake my head, and smile at her again. "I'm - I'm sorry. What were you saying?" 

"Just that this is unbelievable." Her eyes are shining, wide with wonder. All she can see is the good, the potential, the possibilities. She doesn't understand there's so much more. She doesn't understand there's a cost. A responsibility that goes with having this much knowledge. 

This much -- power. 

"I know," I say gravely. 

She doesn't understand, but I'm beginning to. I look away from her, focus on the blackboard as sudden terror grips me. She can't help me with this. No one can. I'm all on my own, here. I have to find a way to deal with this. 

I can. I will. I'll find a way to be the master of this gift, not it's servant. Or its victim. 

I CAN do this. I can. 

* * *

Sam presents my plans for my satellite defence system to Hammond with a flourish and a 'look what I did, sir' expression. Sure enough, he looks at HER before he takes a look at the plans, like she actually had anything to do with coming up with them. Other than taking dictation, that is. 

He gives the plan a brief once over like he even has a clue what he's looking at. You can stare at it all day, George, I guarantee you you're still not going to get it. 

"What is it?" he asks, finally. Asks HER. Typical. I'm actually in the room but he hasn't even acknowledged me yet. Still thinking of me as the dopey, no account archaeologist. That'll change. That'll change very, very soon. 

"Well, I guess you could call it a satellite, sir," Sam launches forward with the requested explanation. Pretty pleased with herself. "According to Daniel, it would be capable of detecting Goa'uld ships thousands of light years away. Its weapons systems could penetrate Goa'uld shield technology and destroy motherships. Basically, sir, it's the basis of the perfect anti-Goa'uld defence system." 

Which I came up with, Sam. Not you. Think it's about time to enter the conversation and remind certain people of that fact. You being at the top of the list. 

"Of course, we need to build an entire network of them, and launch them into orbit," I say tersely. Hello, George. Real genius in the room, here. 

"Can we do that?" Once again, he's asking HER. 

"Well, sir, this is an entirely new kind of technology. We'd need to bring in outside help. A LOT of it." Okay, I can see where this is going. Sam figures as long as she has the plans and then gets her alien buddies involved she can cut Doctor Jackson out of the loop. Pick his brains, suck him dry and then discard him. Get to the top on his back and then push him over the side when she doesn't need him anymore. 

Not going to happen. Sam, you've just used me to look good for the very last time. 

"Ultimately, it means we don't have to involve the Tok'ra." I interject sharply. Ah, I see that finally got George's attention. 

"Why not?" Talking to ME now. 

"At the moment, the Goa'uld don't care what we're up to. We're no immediate threat. If it gets out we've suddenly advanced to this level of technology, we wouldn't be able to build the defence system fast enough." 

I'm trying to keep the tone of my voice patient, but I can't believe I actually have to explain this to him. It's so obvious a child would be able to work it out. He's a two star general, for crying out loud, you'd think he'd have some basic grasp of strategy and tactics. I can't believe how STUPID these people are turning out to be. Or how I could have worked with them for four years and not seen it sooner. 

Unbelievable. Lucky for the Earth its fate isn't resting in THESE hands. 

"You think the Tok'ra would betray us?" Hammond inquires. Of Sam. Again. 

Why the fuck does he keep looking at Sam? I'M the one who's talking. Not only that, I'm the one who really knows what's going on here. Who can see things clearly. You know, George, the big picture? Especially the part of it pertaining to Major Carter and her buddies the Tok'ra. 

Who knows what the hell the Tok'ra have done to Sam. Or how much of her loyalty is really to them instead of to the Earth because of Jolinar's influence. Not to mention the fact she turned her own FATHER over to one of them. 

Interesting. This never occurred to me before, but now that it has, I'm thinking I should be keeping a very careful, watchful eye on Major Carter. She's definitely a potential security risk. It might not necessarily be her fault, but the fact she was at one time blended with a Tok'ra means she's compromised. The effects of that union were never fully explored or tested. The memories could affect her mentally. Overwhelm her and control her at any time. Make her act according to the Tok'ra's agenda and not Earth's. 

I'll definitely be keeping track of Major Carter. 

"They've had problems with Goa'uld spies before. I don't think it's worth the risk. Not when we can do this without them." I say emphatically. 

WILL do it without them, George. I've made up my mind. No snakes in on this. 'Friendly' or otherwise. 

"I'll take it under consideration," he replies almost dismissively. 

No you won't George; you'll do what I say. So will everyone else. 

"What about the boy?" he asks, suddenly turning and really looking at me for the first time. 

Of course. Now we're back in the realm of feelings it's over to good old DAN-iel. 

An answering response of protectiveness for Shifu wells ups within me. 

"Well, he doesn't have to remember anything now," I tell George firmly, in no uncertain terms. "He's given me all the knowledge we need." 

Which is why none of you are getting your hands on him. I'm the only game in town. You'll be dealing with me and no one else. The boy is MINE. As well as everything he has in his head. 

Mine. 

"How he did that is what concerns me," Hammond continues. Well, what do you know? Still talking to me. Don't worry your bald head about it, 'sir'. The boy is in good hands. He's staying that way, as well. 

"He's no danger, sir," I tell him, still firmly. 

Nor is he any of your concern. Don't cross me on this, George. Take the hint. I've got some leverage you don't know about yet, and I'm not afraid to use it if you push me. 

"Still, as long as he's here, he should be kept under close guard." 

I see. Still not listening to me. Still thinking my opinion and my views don't matter. Still brushing me off to the side as the no account civilian. 

Still making the fatal mistake of underestimating me, just like everyone else. 

Hammond turns from me to Sam. "I'll talk to the Pentagon about bringing in some more personnel to help you out." 

I look at Major Doctor Carter too. Help HER out? I see. So that's the way you think it is, eh? The way it's going to be? I don't think so. 

That's too bad, George. It really is. I like you. You've seemed to be a little more far-sighted and flexible than many of your peers, but I'm sorry to see even you have your limits. You've left me no choice. I'm going to have to go over your head. If you're not going to work with me, you're going to have to be cut out of the loop. 

Just like anyone else who might be having any ideas of trying to get in my way. Nothing personal. I just can't afford to let this get screwed up by myopic, hide-bound, unimaginative bureaucrats. Or people who let their ambitions and personal agendas get in the way of the achieving the goal. 

No room for sentiment or feelings here. No room for petty politics either. This is far too important. It stuns me sometimes; I seem to be the only one who can see this. Who can grasp what's really at stake here, why it's so important we get the job done, no matter the cost. Without allowing all this pointless protocol, red tape and petty politicking to obfuscate the issues and slow down achieving the objective. 

Committees, organisations, governments, even - are a complete waste of time. Too many voices trying to satisfy too many agendas - someone has to put their foot down finally, and make a decision. DO something, before the Goa'uld come and catch us with our pants down while we're all still busy talking at each other without listening and kissing each others butts in order to score brownie points. 

Pathetic. The whole lot of you are so pathetic. 

SOMEONE has to take charge and get the job done. I don't understand why I'm the ONLY one who sees this. 

Maybe I shouldn't be so surprised. Shifu knew what he was doing when he picked me. He knew I'd understood, knew I won't let him down. 

I'll get the job done. No matter what. The Earth is counting on me. 

* * *

JACK

I'm not good at this navel contemplation stuff, but half an hour alone in my office, thinking - trapped rat comes to mind for some reason - has led me to three pretty shitty conclusions. One. Talk about a bolt from the blue, but I've got the hots for Daniel. Two. Daniel and I are on speaking terms but we're apparently not on SPEAKING terms. Or maybe he's been speaking and I haven't been listening. I just don't know. Three. I don't resolve two there's no point whatsoever sitting here fretting myself to death over one. 

The hots. Sounds so - casual. Almost jokey. Not at all like suddenly wanting to fuck my best friend just turned my already pathetic, empty life upside down and inside out and back to front and stomped on my balls for good measure. 

I do so enjoy eating my heart out over people I shouldn't want and can't ever have. Becoming quite the habit for me. The emotional frigging root canal from HELL. A constant searing ache just never quits, not until the root of the pain is forcibly extracted and you go mercifully numb. 

I've got a horrible feeling about Carter. Have a sick feeling in the pit of my gut she wasn't my first foray into this particular arena. That she was just a painful object lesson in avoidance. Diversion. Obfuscation. A feint. A show of strength to deceive the enemy. At this point in time I don't know who the hell I was trying to kid, who the 'enemy' was. Him? Me. 

It's so low key. A revelation like this should have been worthy of a burning bush of it's very own. I didn't get an epiphany. No blinding flash of inspiration, no coup de foudre. Daniel stood in front of me like he has a thousand times before and just - came into focus. I've finally seen an old truth. Part of me, a part of me that's been choked way down deep, wants him. Has wanted him from the very first moment I laid eyes on him. If I hadn't been so fucked up back then I would have seen it. 

I've hated everyone who's had him when I couldn't. Easy to hate Hathor, Shyla and Linea. Shameful to be jealous of Sha'uri. Shameful that she saw something in me I didn't, way back when. She knew I'd come to take him away from her, that's what that kiss in the gateroom on Abydos was about. Staking her claim. 

When she died -- I wasn't glad for him. God forgive me, I was glad for me. Glad it was finally over, that I wouldn't have to share him any more. He was finally mine. Now I know why I went off the deep end over the kid. HER kid. A concrete reminder she was still as much with us as she was that first night on Abydos. 

Until today I never knew myself. I had no idea I could be so unconscionably self-centred. I can't change what is, but I can damned well change what will be. I won't do it. It's killing me, the thought of not being able to have him when I want him so very, very badly, want him so much I can TASTE it. 

I will not do it. I will not fuck my best friend. Here endeth point one. 

On to point two. How come I don't know what's up with my best friend these days? Gotta deal, O'Neill. Teal'c apparently does. Knows what's up with Daniel, that is. So I gotta swallow my pride and go dig shamelessly for information. If it's broke, I gotta fix it. 

* * *

"You must ask DanielJackson," Teal'c tells me sternly. 

"That's no answer!" I snap. 

And I DON'T need you standing there JUDGING me. Fuck it. "Just what the hell are you trying to imply here, Teal'c? That I've been neglecting him or something?" 

"You have had other concerns of late," he ripostes. 

I stop my pacing abruptly. "What?" 

"You have been cementing your relationship with Major Carter most diligently, O'Neill," he supplies smoothly. "A fact of which DanielJackson has been as aware as I. He has been most grateful to find someone sympathetic to HIS interests and concerns." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" I snarl. My voice is getting the same ugly edge as my anger. Anger as impotent as my jealousy. He IS saying I've been neglecting Daniel. Damn him all to hell, how dare he judge me? "Daniel is a grown up, if he wants -- " 

"I will refrain from the obvious response," Teal'c interrupts with such meaning I can't let it go by. 

"You're skirting the line here with me, Teal'c." 

"Your behaviour invites it." 

Sonovabitch! "How dare you!" 

"Do not pursue this discussion, O'Neill." Teal'c's tone is forbidding. "You will not like what I have to say on this matter." 

I'm so angry my hands are shaking. I shove them deep in my pockets. "Oh, no, I INSIST. Pray tell!" 

Teal'c gives me a long measuring glance. "Very well. It is YOU who does not recognise DanielJackson is an adult." 

"WHAT? That's - that's NUTS!" I explode. 

"Nonetheless, it is true. It has not been my place to interfere, but I have had occasion to regret DanielJackson's willingness to indulge you." 

"INDULGE?" 

"Indeed," he intones with flat finality. "There have been many occasions recently when your behaviour towards him has been manifestly intended to reassert an authority, a control over his actions you clearly felt you were losing as his own convictions and developing capabilities have led him to take a stance somewhat at variance to your own." 

"You trying to say I'm some kind of control freak?" I demand furiously. "That is SUCH crap. I can't believe - " 

"It is the truth," Teal'c interjects swiftly. "You have reacted irrationally to DanielJackson's demonstrable assimilation of military protocol, procedure and furtherance of tactical goals. In addition, you have viewed with the severest disapprobation the increasing demands on DanielJackson's time from teams such as SG-5 and SG-11, as well as his highly successful forays into the realm of diplomacy as witnessed most recently in the signing of the treaty with the Tok'ra." 

"Are you saying I think Daniel has outgrown the team, so I'm trying to hold him back?" I demand furiously, almost breathless from the bitter anger gripping me. When the only response I receive from Teal'c is a slightly pitying look I manage to connect the dots all on my own. Teal'c is saying I think Daniel has outgrown ME, and I'm trying to hold him back, control him, keep him how I want him to be for ME. 

Daniel \- indulges me? Does Daniel - does he - Do I come off as the 'do as I say not as I do' anally retentive control freak loser to Daniel? 

Teal'c is telling me outright I DO, and Daniel wearily INDULGES me in my delusion of adequacy. 

I can't think of a frigging thing to say to Teal'c and just lose myself negotiating the maze back to my office from his quarters without another word spoken between us. I think I can still feel his pity weighing me down, though. 

I won't have sex with Daniel? Just who the hell am I fucking trying to kid here? This isn't about morality, or even about practicality. Try self-preservation. Even if Daniel had given any indication EVER he was so inclined, I guess I'd be the LAST person on this or any other planet he'd choose to get horizontal with, if this is what he thinks of me. 

This isn't about me. Daniel and I? This is NOT my decision to make. I thought it was, so I guess I should thank Teal'c for the heads up. Yeahsureyoubetcha. I've apparently got nothing to offer Daniel and there's no point asking him for anything. He'll indulge me, but it only goes so far. 'Don't look at me.' Gotcha. Crystal clear, here. 

I don't feel angry any more. Like a greying, numbing mist is smothering me, dampening the acuity of my senses, dulling my reflexes, leaching all the life and ardour out of me. No chance. I haven't even framed a coherent thought about what the hell it is I want, what I've apparently wanted from the moment I laid eyes on him, but I already know I can't have it, because Daniel and Teal'c have told me so in so many damning words. 

Daniel indulges me. 

* * *

I'm so lost in thought the shrilling of the phone makes me jump. 

"O'Neill," I mutter, not really caring. 

"Colonel, it's Dr Fraisier. Can you come up to the Infirmary?" 

"Why?" You got a test for anal retention I can take? 

"It's Dr Jackson, sir. He was with Shifu for so long, Teal'c went to find him. He found Dr Jackson unconscious on the floor." 

"I'm on my way," I snap, slamming the phone down and hauling ass down the corridor to take the elevator up to the Infirmary. 

I enliven my mad dash through the hallways of the SGC scattering the SFs from my path, and trying to imagine just what the hell could have happened to Daniel inside a guarded room in the middle of Cheyenne Mountain. He wasn't sick. The kid. It had to be the damn kid. Why does no one ever listen to me about these things? What? I gotta add paranoid to my list of attractive personality traits? That one make Daniel's top ten of things about me he just has to put up with? 

I slow to a more moderate pace but still manage to pounce through the door of the Infirmary, making some inoffensive little nurse jump as a result. 

The Doc and Teal'c are hovering by Daniel's bedside. He's in those blue hospital pyjamas, not wired up to anything, thank God, his beautiful face dreadfully pale and still. 

Beautiful? 

Crap. GOT to pull myself together. I'm too damn old to have a CRUSH. I'm on the slippery slope here, headed straight down to notes in his locker and asking Carter to tell him I like him and wanna meet him outside after work. God help me. 

"Is he hurt?" I demand, keeping a careful distance. Got itchy fingers all of a sudden. I got some room for manoeuvre on the hugging thing - though there's been a bit of a drought recently, one I hadn't picked up on until today - but stroking his hair would definitely occasion comments. The kind that lead to an Article 15. I can't feel him up just because I want to, and he's unconscious. I'm not allowed to look, which makes it pretty damn tough to touch. I could close my eyes, which would honour the letter of the prohibition, though it would do considerable violence to the spirit. 

"I can't find any signs of physical injury," Janet explains patiently. "His scans are all normal. There's no cause for alarm. He's just - unconscious." 

She's annoyed she has no explanation. I can tell. 

"How long's he been out, for cryin' out loud? If he isn't hurt, why the hell isn't he awake yet?" I'M annoyed Janet has no explanation. SHE can tell. Her eyes snap at me, though she maintains her usual calm demeanour, unhurriedly checking Daniel's pulse and resps again. Baseline observations, even I know they do that when they don't know what else to do. And they just keep on doing them until nature takes its course. 

Why the HELL is she making me sweat like this? Come ON. GIVE, woman, gimme something. 

"DanielJackson has been unconscious since I found him twenty minutes ago, O'Neill," Teal'c measured tones break the silence. 

"Why didn't you call me sooner?" I snap. That's a HELL of a long time to be out, and it's over an hour since the briefing. He could have been out for any or all of that time. "Why didn't the kid ask for help? What was his reaction?" I know I sound harsh, Janet is shooting me disapproving looks. I don't give a damn. I want ANSWERS. 

Teal'c considers this thoughtfully. "The boy merely said, 'Whatever an enemy might do to an enemy, or a foe to a foe, the ill-directed mind can inflict more harm.' I alerted the medical staff and questioned the boy as we waited. He would say no more, and would not reveal how DanielJackson came to be in this condition." 

Kids of today, huh? They speak MTV, not English. This particular kid is only fluent and comprehensible in gibberish, a language none of us speaks, not even Daniel. 

I also speak a language Daniel doesn't. It's called interrogation, and it's one the kid is about to learn. 

"I'm going to talk to the kid. Call ME the moment there's a change in his condition." I eye Teal'c, trying not to let the resentment show. 

"I will, O'Neill," Teal'c says calmly. 

"You?" 

"Indeed. I will remain with DanielJackson for the moment. It is Doctor Fraiser's opinion that even though Daniel Jackson is unconscious, he is not beyond the reach of our voices. I will speak to him." 

"That's an excellent idea, Teal'c, thank you," Janet says warmly. 

They couldn't make it more clear I'm in the way just now, and I'm - I'm shocked by the intensity of the possessive rage scorching through me. Daniel is MINE - MY best friend and it seems everyone here has forgotten it. 

It hits me like a punch to the gut. Including ME. I assumed. Took for granted. No more. This is too damn much. It stops HERE and it stops NOW. Major reconstruction of fences, bridges, boats required? Jack O'Neill is your man. Whatever it takes, I'll do. 

I love Teal'c like a brother, but I ain't ready to give up a 'burden' he's apparently only too ready to relieve me of. Maybe I've got no chance whatsoever of having Daniel as lover. Maybe I don't deserve a chance. I don't know. Not sure of anything any more except I do want my FRIEND back. 

Starting now. I need answers, and the kid can give 'em to me. 

* * *

DANIEL

Where is he? I sent for him ten minutes ago. DAMMIT! What could he POSSIBLY have to do which could be more important than this? 

My head is aching. I take off my glasses, rub my eyes, peer at the board again. The Goa'uld phrase which is eluding me staring back at me. Mocking me. 

It's too absurd. I've just pulled the specs for the hyperdrive that powers the Goa'uld motherships up from the mental archive of information I'm assembling and I can't seem to remember the meaning of a simple phrase in Goa'uld. It's driving me crazy. 

WHERE THE HELL IS TEAL'C? 

Insolence! He's lucky this isn't Chulak. 

"DanielJackson." 

It's about time. 

I glance up from my notes for just a moment. 

"Teal'c." What? No apology? No explanation for the unacceptable length of time it took you to answer my summons? 

You kept me waiting, Teal'c. You held the fate of the entire world hostage while you - while you - WHAT? 

"I was unable to complete my Kel'no'reem. What is of such importance I had to be summoned here immediately?" 

Kel'no'reem, is it? You want ME to tell YOU what is so important I had to interrupt your NAP? How DARE you take that tone with me? Since when does a SLAVE question his master's actions? An insolent, insubordinate slave at that! You should be on your knees before me, begging me for mercy, swearing you'll serve me. 

On your KNEES before me! Where you belong! 

A searing pain lances through my head and suddenly, I see him. The slave before me, as he should be. Properly attired in his serpent garb, kneeling in obeisance at my feet. In silent, abject obedience. For an instant the image, the notion horrifies me and yet -- 

I try to shake my mind free of it only to have it flash before me again. Stronger, the sense of 'rightness' about it singing through me. 

I'm seeing clearly for the first time. The man before me is a slave. Nothing more than a slave from a race of slaves. He's looking at me as if he imagines himself to be my equal. Wrong, he's so wrong. He's not my equal. He's not even fit to serve me. He's a - a Shol'va. A slayer of his betters. The slave who killed Sha'uri. He's not even fit to have looked at her! He betrayed his masters, his betters because he imagined himself superior to them. 

What's to stop him from betraying me for exactly the same reason? 

Nothing. Presuming, of course, I'm stupid enough to give him the opportunity. 

"Um \- what does this mean?" I tap the diagram on the board before me and step back to my desk. I have to put some distance between us. I can barely disguise my contempt. I look away from him and rub my eyes as he answers me. My head is throbbing, rage building within me. 

"I believe the closest translation would be subatomic energy particles." 

Of COURSE! I had it, just as he told me. Didn't need him after all. 

"That's what I thought. Thank you." Get out of my sight. 

Teal'c bows as I step back to my work, but doesn't leave. I'm finished with him. Why is he lingering? "You can, er, you can go back to whatever it is you were doing." Must be careful what I say to him, mustn't arouse his suspicions. I feel his eyes on me, searching me, as I keep my back to him, focus on my notes and try to calm the raging fury within me. I can't believe his arrogance that he would presume to question or examine me. ME! 

Insolent slave. What does he know? 

Finally he realises I have nothing more to say to him nor do I feel the need to further acknowledge his presence. Finally, he leaves. 

I'm going to have ensure he never bothers me again. 

* * *

Well, here we are. All the players assembled. The Majors Davis and Carter, our fearless leader the wise and avuncular General Hammond, and various assorted and sundry military and political bit players. The stage is well and truly set for the debut of Doctor Jackson. 

So far it has been going well. Everyone has been listening; Sam is actually letting me do most of the talking. Generous of her, I must say. 

They've all come here with a certain expectation. That they'll be listening to DAN-iel tell them his little plan, and then they'll tell him what's going to happen and all HE needs to do is just sit there like a good little wonder boy, churning out the information while the real work is done by the grown ups. The wise military and political minds who know what's good for the world far better than he does. 

He doesn't need to worry his pretty little head about it. Big Daddy Military's got the whole thing handled. 

That's what they think is going to happen. Let's see how they take it when Doctor Jackson tells them the way it's actually going to be from now on. 

And let's see how many of them I'm going to let stay on this team by the end of this briefing. 

"Bottom line is, it's going to require the entire resources of the entire SGC to focus on the retrieval of raw naquadah for the time being." 

Ah, as expected, opposition from the major. Let me guess, Sam, going to try and bring up the tired old Tok'ra bone again? 

"Well if we ask the Tok'ra for help -- " Sam begins 

How predictable. And how very disappointing. You know how I feel about this, Sam. I thought we'd straightened all of this out. Evidently not. Still trying to challenge my authority, I see. 

This little battle of wills ends now. 

I turn away from her, cutting across her comment, addressing my remark to the other major I'm wanting to take the measure of. 

"Major Davis, you've prepared a budget and timetable based on the data?" I pointedly ask him. 

Your opinion and input are no longer required, Major Carter. She flinches at the way I've cut her off. Doesn't say another word. Good. It appears as if she finally understands who's REALLY calling the shots here. Now she has been dealt with I can ignore her and turn my attention to handling the other inflexible military minds in this room. 

"The Pentagon had budgeted the construction and launch of the satellite network at eighty billion dollars, estimated time of completion to be two years after the start date." Davis answers me with correct precision and deference. While he says the last thing I want to hear. 

"That's unacceptable." Completely. Though, sadly, not unexpected. 

Timid, narrow-minded, short sighted BUREAUCRATS! Two years? Two years? Do they have any conception of what's at stake here? IDIOTS! No doubt if I'd given them the plans for the ultimate sports arena they'd have the funds allocated and the thing built in a month. Who cares if the Goa'uld come and wipe us out as long as we've got a nice new fancy place to play football in? 

Ah, Davis is trying to be helpful. Attempting to demonstrate creative thinking and a problem-solving capacity by offering up a solution for getting the job done faster. "Well, if we involve the Russians in a co-operative effort --" 

Can't say I think much of it. Risking compromising the entire project and the safety of Earth by disclosing our plans to the Russians is an acceptable option to the Pentagon just so long as it means they can save a few bucks? 

You're going to have to do better than this, Major, if you're hoping to impress me. 

Unbelievable. This goes so far beyond the scope of stupidity I can hardly fathom what I've heard. Aside from the fact if we gave this up to the Russians it would be all over the globe in no time, need I remind you, the Russians have a working, unprotected Stargate. What's to stop them from using it to betray us? Or anyone ELSE using it to launch a covert attack on the Earth? 

Once again I'm going to have to EXPLAIN things to these people. I'm getting really tired having to waste my time pointing out the obvious to military drones who are completely lacking the capacity to formulate an original thought. 

I suppose I really shouldn't blame them. They've probably had the impulse 'trained' out of them years ago. 

" No" I say sternly to him. 

He's quite startled by the word, and my delivery. Almost shocked in fact. Ah, Major Davis. You thought you were talking to DAN-iel - didn't you? Poor old, inoffensive, unimportant DAN-iel. 

Surprise, Major. Say hello to Doctor Jackson. Get used it. You're going to be seeing a whole lot more of him from now on. 

"I'm sorry?" he blinks, looks at me like I just grew another head. No Major, just attaining a new perspective on things. I'll be more than happy to help you achieve the same state of enlightenment. 

"I said no." 

He's still staring at me like he doesn't understand. Do you want me to SPELL it for you, Major? 

"The Russian government has agreed to stop using their Stargate on the condition we share all information gathered by the SGC. Now we have to tell them," Davis tells me with a slightly patient look. As if he thinks I'm not quite up to grasping the political ramifications inherent in the situation. 

When are these politicians and bureaucrats going to understand none of this can be allowed to have any bearing on what's at stake? Nor will any of it MATTER once I get this system operational. 

Why won't they TRUST me? I know what I'm doing. 

This is so disappointing. But not unexpected. Fortunately I've already anticipated this problem. 

"No we don't," I inform them bluntly. Inform all of them. 

"But \-- " 

"It's okay I have a way of rendering their Gate inactive," I say hastily over his next remark. This is boring me. The Russians are not an issue. Not an issue at all. They'll fall in line just like everyone else. 

"You do?" Sam pipes up, quite astonished by that little piece of information. Ah, yes, Sam. I do. Surprised I never told you? You'd be amazed by what I haven't told you. Don't worry your pretty little head about it. Doctor Jackson has everything well in hand. Trust me, and we'll get along fine. If you need to know, I'll tell you. Just so long as you accept I'm the one in charge here and do what you're told. You try and oppose me, you'll regret it. 

"That's really not the point," Davis doggedly tries to drag the conversation back to the dead horse he's still determined to flog. I'm starting to find myself becoming disappointed in the major, and not a little irritated with him. 

I thought Davis was one of those rare military types who could think outside of the box. Starting to think perhaps I was overgenerous in my personal assessment of him. 

Very well, I'll EXPLAIN this to you. Do try to keep up, will you? 

"The point is we don't know if the Russians are turning around and trading those secrets. This project is too important to get screwed up by petty Earth politics. We're talking about protecting this planet from Goa'uld occupation." 

Hello? Focus! Come on, Davis, show a little intelligence. Impress me! I know you can! 

"I imagine that several of the so called petty nations of this planet are going to be very curious when we start launching satellite weapons into orbit two years from now," he protests. 

Or not. Damn, another dud. Might as well stop postponing putting him away. Cut to the chase and get this over with. I wonder what time it is. Feeling a little hungry, actually. 

"One year from now," I tell him in a tone which does not suggest there is any room for negotiating the point. 

"That's impossible. It would double the cost," he protests once more, plainly not understanding what I have just told him. 

"Then it's not impossible, is it?" I fire back at him, barely resisting the impulse to suddenly roll up a newspaper and hit him on the end of the nose with it. Bad dog! Stop contradicting your Master, sit down like a good little major, SHUT up and do as you're told! 

He stares at me, his mouth open as I tell him how it's going to be. "Obviously most of the workload will have to contracted out to the private sector so there'll have to be a strategic division of labour in order to maintain the security of the project," I finish coldly, throwing several already prepared folders onto the table in front of him. 

Davis continues to gape at me, bewildered, as the folders hit the table in time to my words. It's painful to watch him, see his mind tick slowly over to the inescapable conclusion he's only now just coming to: 

'I have lost control of this situation.' 

Not strictly true, Major. You never had it. It'll take you a little longer to work THAT one out, though. But that's all right. You'll have plenty of time to think about this, and lots of other things as well. I understand there isn't much else to do BUT think where you're going to end up. 

"Major Davis, if you could also see to this," I hand him the folder barely looking at him. 

He peers at it, and then looks at me like I owe him some sort of explanation. "What is this?" 

None of your business, lackey. You're paid to take care of things and ask no questions. Be silent and do your job. 

"Just a few personal requirements I'm sure the Pentagon will be happy to provide me with, given the nature of my continued contributions. Please see that it gets approved as soon as possible." 

I've finished here. In more ways than one. I cast a final look about the table, taking in the rather shocked and subdued expressions all around me. Not a one of them can believe what they've just seen. It's all I can to stop myself from laughing aloud right in their stunned and uncomprehending little faces. 

Stupid, stupid faces. 

Any lingering doubts I might have had as to the necessity for getting out of this stifling, unimaginative atmosphere have just been dispelled. It's obvious this organisation and these people are completely inadequate for the task ahead of me. I can't waste any more time having to go through channels and worrying about stepping on toes. Nor do I have time for people who are unwilling or unable to support me, and who lack the vision to be of use to me. 

Or who are more interested in trying to further their own selfish needs for advancement and recognition then they are in giving their heart and soul to the task of defending the Earth. 

I'll be able to co-ordinate getting the naquadah retrieval project up and running while working on establishing my own organisation at the same time. Already have a line on some promising personnel. Am rather looking forward to some of the interviews, actually. 

Should be an extremely enjoyable selection process. 

"Gentlemen," I address the room tersely, and begin to walk away. But not before I hear an incredulous comment from Major Davis. 

"PERSONAL requirements?" 

Correction. Make that EX-Major Davis. 

* * *

The ribbon device feels strangely familiar. Almost as if it should be a part of me. I'm looking down at it, flexing my fingers, feeling how easy it would be to just flex my thoughts, make it - come - to life. 

"Hey! What's going on? What are you doing?" 

Jack! That's Jack. He sounds annoyed. Still, it's nice to hear his voice. We haven't seen much of each other lately. I've been - been -- 

I've had other things on my mind. I'm aware Jack is standing by my side, but I can't seem to stop looking at the gleaming metal sheathing my hand. There's just something so -- beautiful -- about it. 

"I know exactly how this works now but you need naquadah in your blood or you can't make it do anything," I murmur. 

Unfortunately. Something not right about that. 

Jack's impatient, challenging remark cuts across my reverie, bringing me back to him. 

"Have you considered that maybe that's a good thing?" he fires at me, his eyes flaring. 

"Something on your mind?" Stupid question. I've seen this look on his face before. Jack O'Neill, loaded for bear, coming at me, ready to take me on. 

I'm missed this look. Missed him. 

"Your BEHAVIOUR, as a matter of fact!" he bristles, the annoyance in his voice definitely edging up a notch or two. 

"What about it?" 

Ah, evidently Jack doesn't care for Doctor Jackson. Missing Daniel, are we, Jack? Little late for regrets, now, don't you think. Should have thought of that before -- 

"For starters, who gave you the authority to give orders around here?" he demands like he's just about to haul me up before the authorities for impersonating a person who actually counts for something. 

Let me give YOU an order, Jack. Seriously. Try it, you might like it. LOTS of things about Doctor Jackson you might like. 

He's a lot more powerful than DAN-iel for starters. Can do a lot more for you as well. A LOT more for you, Jack. 

"Actually the Pentagon," I tell him bluntly. Which stops him for a moment. He can't argue with facts. I'm suddenly tired of all the arguments, the constant struggling with people who have no concept of what I'm trying to do - and no gratitude for all the sacrifices I'm making, either. No gratitude at all. No appreciation. I know how much Jack hates clichés, but the 'it's lonely at the top' one just happens to be true. 

I might have to fight with every single person in this place, but the last person I want to fight with is you. 

"Look, maybe I haven't been patient lately but I'm just doing what has to be done. I have the knowledge; I have to make sure it gets used properly. Now, I can elevate us to the point of wiping out the Goa'uld or I can watch it all go to waste." 

Come on, Jack. Work with me, here. Just for once, don't fight me. I could really use some help, here. I could really use YOUR help. 

Jack? 

"You're under a lot of pressure, I understand," he says carefully, eyeing me warily, making a lie of what he's just told me. 

Doesn't understand. Doesn't understand at all. Doesn't see. I was so hoping -- but maybe it isn't too late. 

"I recommended you to oversee the entire naquadah retrieval operation," I remind him. Even though I've been busy, I haven't forgotten about you, Jack. You're still getting your chance to help out, to do your part for the Earth. That's what you want - right? 

"Oh yeah, thank you very much by the way," he snarls sarcastically at me. "I can either accept the position or RETIRE!" 

Now he's angry with me. I don't understand. What does he WANT from me? We've got a job to do, a planet to defend, and I gave him the top position in the organised off world effort to DO that job. We can't be prancing through the Stargate picking daisies like before. Not when there's work to be done! Serious work to be done! I don't understand why he's so angry with me. What have I done wrong? 

Why is nothing I ever do GOOD enough for you, Jack? 

Why? 

God, I don't FUCKING believe this! I'm possibly the most - no - scratch that I AM the most important person on this planet and I STILL can't get the seal of approval from Jack O'Neill! 

"Why aren't you behind me on all this?" I know I sound a little hurt, but suddenly I don't care. "I mean, I'm finally taking your position. Lets build weapons, let's KICK some Goa'uld ASS! Because it's me saying it, I'm suddenly the bad guy?" 

All in all, my delivery was quite impassioned. Getting a little worked up myself. I'm right, he can't deny this. Can't back away from the hypocrisy of his disapproval of me. Someone is finally getting the job done. That someone is me. I know when we first went through the gate together as SG-1 we were doing it for totally different reasons, but that's all changed, Jack. We're finally both on the same page, here, finally both in total agreement on what we should be doing with that ring. 

No more wasting my time - and yours - on mouldering ruins and chicken scratches. We're going to go after those fucking snakes, and we're going to get them. This is only the beginning Jack. I've got plans. Oh, you have no idea! You have no idea how far I'm going with this. 

But you could. You could know it all. You could help me. You could come with me. 

What do you say, Jack? The two of us, together? We can do it. We don't need anyone else. 

"Where's Teal'c?" he suddenly snaps at me. 

HOW DARE YOU SPEAK THAT NAME IN MY PRESENCE! 

The ribbon device screams with power, coming alive in my hand in response to my fury. My need to punish him for disappointing me. 

For the VERY last time. 

Swiftly I stretch my hand out toward him, the power leaps from me, my will SLAMS into him, flinging him across the room like the useless, fickle thing he is before he has a chance to utter another TRAITOROUS syllable. My heart leaps with fierce joy as I watch him smash into the wall, hear the sounds of his bones shattering, the hash snap of his neck as it gives, the wet, satisfying crunching of the back of his skull pulverising against the unforgiving concrete -- 

No! NO! I - I didn't MEAN it! JACK! 

Shuddering, gasping, I come back to myself. He's standing beside me. He's okay. I didn't - didn't hurt him. 

It didn't happen. Thank God, only in my head, didn't really happen. 

I struggle to pull myself together. Jack doesn't seem to notice anything's wrong. Doesn't know what I just did to him. 

No \- didn't. Didn't really happen. Didn't hurt him. Won't EVER hurt him. 

"He's on a mission," I say quickly. 

"What mission?" Jack presses, peering at me sharply. Shit. He HAS noticed something. 

"The one I sent him on." 

"When's he gonna be back?" 

Goddammit! He's so damned STUBBORN! Why is he riding me about this? We're talking about a Jaffa, here. An expendable slave who'd outlived his usefulness. What does it MATTER? 

What does any of it matter, any more? He's just given me my answer, and it's not the one I wanted. Why am I so surprised? 

All you can think about is Teal'c. Nothing for Daniel. Not going to give Doctor Jackson the time of day either, huh Jack? 

I need you to go now. If you're not going to give me what I want, then just - just leave. I'll make it through just fine without you, Jack. Just like I have every other time I needed you and you had better things to do. 

"When he's done. Jack," I say wearily, turning away from him. Nothing left to say. " I've got a lot of work to do and so do you. So, please help me, or leave." 

Even he can't miss the finality in my last statement. Or the last chance I'm giving him to - 

True to form, he lives down to my expectations. He gives me a searching, deeply disappointed look, and then turns his back and walks out on me. 

That's my Jack, I knew I could count on you to leave me. 

* * *

JACK

I'm sitting here seething as Shifu refuses to acknowledge my existence, let alone answer any of my questions. My much vaunted touch with kids seems to have deserted me completely with this one. He's just sitting neatly on his bed, not even glaring me down. Refusing to engage. Kid is eight going on sixty four. It's MADDENING. It's HIS fault Daniel is in a coma and I damn well know it. 

"Anger has been ready to be angry," he says out of the blue, breaking the prolonged silence. 

How does someone so young get to be so damn sententious? "Huh?" 

"I could explain, but then you would understand only my explanation, not what I have said." 

"Oh." What? 

He looks at me with those disquieting eyes, as if he - as if he KNOWS me. Through and through. 

"The wounds you do not want to heal are YOU." 

No. Still not with you. What the hell does this have to do with me asking you what you did to Daniel a couple of hours ago? 

I guess I must look as blank as I feel, because suddenly the kid waxes positively loquacious, radiating that calm yet annoyingly pitying manner that reminds me of Teal'c from a short while back. 

"If the root remains undamaged and strong, a tree, even if cut, will grow back. So too if latent craving is not rooted out, this suffering returns again and again." 

He is SO not going to give me this in English. Gonna have to think here. I rewind to the first unintelligible comment. I'm angry with him. No, not with him. With Teal'c. With - with DANIEL. And myself. Ready to be angry? Maybe all this stuff was coming to a head, for all the reasons Teal'c hammered me over the head with. Daniel is changing and I'm not. Not only that, but allegedly I'm trying to hold him back, to rein him in so he fits neatly in the nice little niche I have for him. 

The second comment? I got unhealed wounds? First I - stupid. Latent craving. Yeah, I get it, me and Danny. The - little pitchers and all - the craving thing. Suddenly noticed but NOT suddenly felt. Buried way down deep for way too long. 

"I have to face my craving for - for someone." I suggest cautiously. 

Shifu smiles gently at me, which is encouraging. "Gone to the beyond of becoming, you let go of in front, let go of behind, let go of between. With a heart everywhere let-go, you don't come again to birth and aging." 

"This is like English Lit," I grumble. He's upping the stakes with a vengeance. Remind me never to play poker with the boy. "You got Coles notes for this?" 

I sigh and give it another shot. Let go? Let go of what? One minute he's telling me I gotta face this stuff and in the next he's telling me to forget it. Can't be right. 

"Can you help me out here? Just a little?" I plead. 

Shifu just stares back. Okay. Explanations thing. I get that. It doesn't help me get this that I get that, but I get that anyway. 

What have I actually done? I've - okay, admit it here, be a mensch, O'Neill. I've pushed Daniel away. Pushed him so far and so hard he no longer bothers to close the distance between us. Not for the important stuff anyway. 

"Daniel and I, well - we've gone from best friends, to friends, to - to 'friendly' colleagues. I gotta let go of that? I've already decided to make the push, mend those fences, do all that good bonding stuff. Is that it?" I ask hopefully. 

How would he know? He's two years old. Looking at his eyes, I realise he's goddamn critical even FOR a know-it-all two year old. 

"Can we cut the Zen crap, PLEASE? Just gimme a straight answer!" I'm whining. I know it. Now the kid looks critical AND disappointed. 

Jeez. What ELSE have I been doing? I got NO problems with anyone BUT - crap. Oh crap. CARTER? That what this is about? I turn from Daniel to her? I turned because I knew it was - damn. I knew it was SAFE. Predictable. Controlled. Never going to go anywhere. Mooning around over Carter was the easy option. Nothing could and would ever happen between us, mostly because of her, as recent events have made abundantly clear. Whatever feelings she may have had for me don't rate nearly as highly in her book as her career generally and her place on the team specifically. 

I look at Shifu uneasily. This shit was all buried in my subconscious. Is it okay for me to let go of guilt I've just this second started to think I should feel? Like I'm getting off light here or something. WAY too light. 

WHY did I turn to Carter? It couldn't just be because I couldn't handle the new improved Deluxe Daniel, couldn't be just because I want to lure that Daniel out of his clothes and into my bed. Have done for quite a while, I just sublimated those impulses into Carter. No. How could I? There was NO chance whatsoever we'd - not sex - none. So what the hell was the POINT of it? 

Has to be something more, right? Something I'm still not seeing. 

"For a person forced on by his thinking, fierce in his passion, focused on beauty, craving grows all the more. He is the one who tightens the bond." 

I straighten up in my chair. "No." This one is so damn blatant, I got a weird feeling, like I'm in a plummeting elevator and my stomach is trying to climb out my throat, churning every inch of the way. "You've GOT to be kidding me?" I'm pleading. "Are you saying - you're telling me I'm - I LOVE Daniel?" 

No. Relax. Don't panic. It's okay. He's my FRIEND. It's okay to love him. That's what friends are for. That's OKAY. Okay? Crap. Double crap. I sense an ambush here. I also want to have SEX with this friend that I love. I've wanted it FOREVER and now I know it's what I want, I NEED it. 

"Christ, Oma covers a lot of ground in a year!" 

I'm quite jaundiced about it. I'm supposed to be interrogating HIM, it's not supposed to be the other way around. A two year old chronologically going on eight year old physically going on sixty four year old emotionally boy is battering down my defences here. 

I know where he's going. I know what I've got to admit to and accept, and do all that shitty keep me awake 'cause even knowing about it don't mean I can DO anything about it stuff. 

"I'm in love with Daniel," I bitterly admit. "For all the damn good it will do me. And don't sit there coming the superior being at me, I didn't KNOW it until you told me. Cut me some slack. I thought I was just pathetically insecure over my increasing redundancy in my own team and my relationship with him. I can live with being all anal over THAT, that's perfectly reasonable. You sitting there and insisting I'm doing what I've been doing because I'm in love with him and I can't live without him and I'm shit scared of losing him is too much! WAY too much." I'm working up a good head of steam. "And wipe that sympathy off your face. So I've been playing power games. Not enough for me to keep him, I have to keep him on MY terms, gotta keep my control, make him come to me. Hasn't worked, has it? I've pushed and he hasn't come, he's GONE." 

"If you worship those worthy of worship, who have transcended complications, lamentation, and grief, who are unendangered, fearless, unbound; there is no measure for reckoning your merit." 

"Gimme a BREAK," I groan. "Too easy. 'I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy.' I should get over it. Well, whoop de doo. There ya go. Done. I feel SO much better. Course, worshipping - and I take issue with THAT very strongly, I've never worshipped ANYONE in the whole of my life - " I catch a little gleam in his eye and subside, sullenly. "He DOESN'T worship me back. Made that abundantly clear, right in front of you, as I recall. How can I go with the flow if he doesn't? What's the point?" 

I stare at Shifu, who looks back at me with all the sorrow in the world welling in those eyes. 

"I haven't missed the point," I say wearily. "I'm supposed to be altruistic and unselfish and not mind this is a one way deal. Well, pardon me for breathing." I can't look into those gentle, knowing eyes for another moment. "I have to measure my worth against Daniel's choosing to accept me? I got news for you. He doesn't choose. He won't. He doesn't want me. How do I measure that? Jack O'Neill, reject. I'm sorry I don't have those wonderful inner resources that would let me be anything other than utterly miserable about an epiphany like this one, and I've got a little aphorism for you too. Chew on this. 'A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with'." 

I can't take any more of this, jump to my feet and stalk out. I want to just hide out in my office and lick my wounds. Bad enough my friend doesn't want to know me right now. Worse, the man I want to make love to doesn't want to know me right now. Worst of all, so unimaginably bad my mind keeps shuddering away from it, the man I'm in love with doesn't want to know me. Most likely not ever. I can recoup some ground on the friendship thing, but that's it. Th - th - that's all, folks! 

For everything else, I'm not just FUBAR, I'm accelerating exponentially beyond it. 

We also still don't have a single thing that could help us with Daniel. Maybe if I get Carter to take a crack at Shifu she might find a hook, something to get under his skin. She's way smarter than I am. Hammond told me so, first day I met her. 

Teal'c is due for some Kel'no'reem too. If I send him off to spend some quality time with his candles, I can sit with Danny for a while. Just the two of us. And Janet and the medical staff, of course. 

Still, I have to eat my heart out over the man I love, I can at least do it by his side. 

* * *

DANIEL

He's not screaming as much this time. This crawling, pathetic thing who dared to think he could oppose me and prevail. I wait serenely for the Jaffa to drag what's left of the once High and Mighty Apophis before me. 

It really rocks to be the boss. 

"Please have mercy," Apophis gasps as they push him to his knees before me. He looks up at me, entreating me, knowing, at last, as he should, I am his one and only hope. What happens to him next is all up to me. 

"I beg you!" he cries. 

Nah. Don't think so. Not enough sincerity in the voice. Sorry. Better luck next time. 

Although I'll have to admit I'm much more convinced by the sincerity of his screams as I turn the ribbon device on him and begin to slowly liquefy his brain in his skull. Very, very slowly. Not easy to be so precise, so careful. To make it last so long. But I'm getting so much better at it with practice. 

* * *

ONE YEAR LATER

Apophis' dying screams are still echoing in my ears as I awaken. You know, that dream just doesn't do it for me the way it used to. Not anymore. It was a lot of fun the first dozen times or so, but it's getting old, now. Too damned easy. No challenge, no sport in it. 

Maybe it's because I'm getting close to being able to do so much more. For real. On a scale which will prove to be infinitely more diverting and entertaining in respect of the sheer scope of possibilities it will open up to me. 

Let's face it. Apophis is strictly small potatoes. Faced with the prospect of having an entire world at my feet, who cares about a ratty old System Lord? And that's only the beginning. 

Just the beginning. 

Oh well, here we are, morning again, guess I should rise and shine. Looks like it's a beautiful morning. Sun shining and all. Nice change after all the rain we've been having lately. Once we get the satellite system up and running I think I'll have General Bauer send someone out to fetch the Touchstone from Medrona. Shouldn't be a problem to figure out how it works and recalibrate it for Earth's biosphere. If I'm going to bring some order and stability to this planet, only makes sense climate control should be at the top of the list. 

I've got so many plans; it really is hard at times to decide what to do first. 

My steps have carried me to the window. Usually the first thing I do upon rising, go over to the window, take a look out, survey my -- 

SHIT! Well, well, well, what do we have here? If I'm not mistaken that's Major Doctor Samantha Carter's car. Why Sam, what a pleasant surprise. Coming to pay your respects? A social call, perhaps? Somehow, I don't think so. Not that it matters. I've got much better things to do with my time than waste it on you. 

I put on my robe and walk out of my bedroom. Cynthia falls into step beside me. One of these days I'm going to find out how long she actually stands outside my door waiting for me to get up. 

Mind you, I'm beginning to get bored with Karen. Maybe it's time to introduce Cynthia to some of the other duties that are part of her job description. 

"Good morning Dr. Jackson," Cynthia greets me with efficient politeness before launching straight into the business at hand. She's learned well. I'm really not much for small talk or extraneous, trivial details. Cut to the chase. "The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs is already waiting for your 0900 briefing. You also have a message from Carl Smith at NASA regarding the AG's dispersement mechanism." 

The idiot. I'm surprised the man can find his way to his own dick to pull it out and piss. What's his problem now, I wonder? 

"Are they on schedule yet?" I ask her, knowing the answer. 

"No." 

"Unbelievable." I will be SO glad when I do not need any of these idiots any longer. 

Cynthia follows me down the stairs, still full of glad tidings. 

"And Major Carter is here to see you," she says crisply, eyeing me carefully to gauge my reaction. She wasn't with me the last time Sam and I spoke, but I imagine word gets around. 

"Send her away," I instruct her, with a slight wave of my hand. "And find out why she still has a valid security pass." And who I have to fire for allowing this breach of security to occur. 

"Right away Dr. Jackson." That's it. Off you go. Run, scurry, jump. Do what you're told. 

Did I mention being the boss really rocks? 

Harrison says something to me as I pass him on my way to the dining room. If it was something important he'd be at my heels trying to get my attention, so I pay him no mind. 

As expected, Angela is waiting for me. She might not be as pretty as the rest, but she knows how I like my coffee. Shifu is seated at the table. He looks up from his bowl of cereal and smiles serenely at me as I take my accustomed chair and reach for the cup of coffee waiting for me. 

"Morning, Sir," Angela says stiffly. You can relax, my dear, I'm not going to be jumping YOUR bones. 

"What can I make for you this morning Dr. Jackson?" She always asks me this. Always gets the same answer. It's a good thing she makes good coffee. Damned good coffee. Nice and hot, too. 

"I'm not hungry." Never am. Coffee. Same as always. 

"Of course." She smiles nervously at me and leaves. I barely notice her go, I'm suddenly puzzled by -- 

What in the world is that child eating? Hardly a breakfast of champions, here. Froot Loops? Froot Loops? What in the HELL is Angela thinking, letting the boy eat this GARBAGE! 

I'm suddenly furious with a bowl of Froot Loops. Want to pick it up and fling it against the wall I'm so - so ANGRY! 

"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day." Shifu's gentle voice distracts me from the focus of my fury. I'm still annoyed but realise, whatever it was bothering me, it was nothing. 

Seeing Sam's car threw me for a loop - I mean, made me - it doesn't matter. Not important. 

It's nothing. Nothing at all. 

"Oma teach you that?" I say to him. 

"Television," Shifu beams. For an instant, he looks like just a little boy. A normal, eight year old boy. Eating his crappy cereal, having breakfast with his \-- 

"Glad I've been such a positive influence," I say sourly as I pick up my coffee and take another sip. I'm on the verge of being pulled into some very strange, unwelcome emotional territory when suddenly I'm saved from unnecessary and unwanted introspection by the arrival of an old 'friend'. 

"Daniel!" Sam shouts accusingly at me as she pushes her way into my dining room, security and a sheepish Cynthia in her wake. 

"I'm sorry Dr. Jackson, she insisted," Cynthia informs me contritely. trying to smooth over her own incompetence. 

"It's okay." Actually, it is. For once, Sam is a welcome distraction. Besides, the way the major is spitting fire, she could prove to have some entertainment value as well. It's been a long time since anyone has actually - stood up to me. Been forgetting what it felt like to have a really good knock down drag out verbal fight. 

Let's see what you've got, Sammie, girl. 

"You can't seriously think you're gonna get away with this?" she throws at me. 

Oh Sam, I'm SO disappointed. Opening with clichés? I thought you could do a little better than this! I guess you're not going to be worth my time after all. Shame. 

"What are you talking about Sam?" I answer her trite, unimaginative voice of righteous indignation with reasonable and slightly bewildered innocence. 

"What you're doing, what you've got planned!" she accuses, trying to get in my face. Only too aware there are a couple of men behind her who will drop her where she stands if she so much as blinks the wrong way. "That's why you had me removed from the project, you knew I'd figure it out eventually!" 

She really working up a good head of steam now, letting herself get carried away with her 'convictions.' She thinks she's got a holy cause, thinks being 'right' is all you need in order to prevail. 

I could tell her a few things about how wrong she is about THIS one. As it is, I won't need to bother. She'll be finding out soon enough for herself the way the world really works. The privilege of being 'right' only applies to the smart and powerful. 

Of which, Sam, dearest, you are NEITHER. 

"I relieved you of your responsibilities because you were starting to crack under the pressure," I continue to answer her in a calm, tolerant, almost understanding tone. Humouring an obviously bitter and spiteful woman so eaten up inside with jealousy because she's been passed over and sidelined she has to resort to making wild, unsubstantiated accusations against the man she holds responsible for her fall from grace. When the truth is becoming plain for all to see - she's got no one to blame for the state she's in but herself. 

Don't mess with me Sam, I've warned you time and time again, and you just don't seem to want to get it. I'm better than you. Especially at this. 

"You seem to have lost all perspective," I tell her calmly. "Quite frankly, I think your jealousy finally got the best of you." 

Her eyes flare with renewed anger at this, as she more than rises to the verbal goad, losing what little self control she had left. 

Just like I knew she would. 

"Jealousy?" she almost spits the word in my face. "I'll tell you why it's hard to maintain perspective, DAN-IEL" 

Oh Sam, that HURT. It really did. Come on now, dearie, tell DAN-iel what's wrong. What's got you so worked up? Oh wait - it's not that time of the month, now, is it? 

"Strategic division of labour," she enunciates every word dramatically, like saying it aloud will be all the world will need in order to see the light. "All in an effort to stop anyone from seeing the big picture." 

Big picture? You want to see the big picture, you BITCH? I've got a 'picture' for you. The one in my head. The one where you're screaming while I'm showing you what REAL power can do to you. Screaming and screaming -- 

"What exactly do you think you've figured out, Sam?" I ask her with an air of weary tolerance, letting my eyes fill with pity for her in her sad delusions. Cynthia's eating it up. 

"You know damn well what I'm talking about!" she asserts stubbornly, and then turns to look accusingly at Shifu. "What have you done to him?" 

"You leave him out of this," I warn her. I wasn't expecting this. Not even from her, This is really low. Trying to blame her own insecurities and inadequacies on a child. Definitely not sporting. 

"Can't you see what you've become?" Interesting. She sounds almost imploring. Like she's sad about something, something she's missing. 

That's ridiculous. 

"I didn't change Sam. You did," I answer her coldly. This interview is now over. I don't have to tell them to remove her, my people know me well enough to know what I want them to do. 

"You can't stop me from telling people what's really going on!" she raves as she is dragged from the room. "They'll listen. You'll never get away with this." 

Open with a cliché, end with one. Bye Sam. Have fun trying to get anyone to give you the time of day. You have no idea how much trouble you've just bought yourself. 

You'll be finding out soon, though. 

"Is she insane?" Cynthia breathes with wide-eyed disbelief. 

I nod and smile sadly at her. I know, it's so hard to believe, isn't it? That the poor, deluded woman could think anyone as obviously dedicated to the good of the Earth as the Sainted and Selfless Doctor Jackson capable of the sort of duplicity she was implying. I sigh with the sad disappointment of seeing yet another trusted friend fold under the burden of their own inadequacies. And am rewarded to see the aching sympathy in Cynthia's eyes. She's dying to 'comfort' me. 

It's refreshing to see DAN-iel is still good for something after all. He could have had his pick of women - of men, for that matter - but was much too foolish and 'principled' to realize it. 

Fortunately Doctor Jackson doesn't suffer from his glaring lack of confidence in his own persuasive powers. 

Rest assured, my dear, you'll be getting your chance to soothe the cares from my brow. And a few other places. What the hell, maybe I'll even let Karen play, too. 

* * *

JACK

I'm doing the quintessential immovable object thing, and seriously wearing out my welcome. Every time I ask about Daniel, Janet explains with more obvious patience there's nothing physically wrong with him. I'm sick of hearing it. She's sick of me asking, and of my reaction while I hear it. I'm sitting by Daniel's bedside, watching him. Janet is watching me watching him. She lays any crap on me about visiting hours, let's see how SHE likes being on the receiving end of 'there's nothing wrong with him'. 

"Sir?" 

Carter slips past me to the other side of Daniel's bed. She stands for a moment, seeming to forget my presence. He's utterly inert beneath her focused attention, his stark pallor in turn draining some of the colour from Carter's own skin. I've never quite figured out why Carter only feels safe in showing this pitch of emotion around and for Daniel. She and I have had our moments, in extremis, but that's what it's taken to get her to lower her guard, to let me see a glimpse of the 'Sam' Daniel is allowed to see and share as a matter of course. 

I know I've done Carter a disservice. 

My nice, clean minimalist lifestyle suddenly gaped open, desolate, and I rushed to fill the gap with something, anything, to detract my focused attention from ME. I don't like spending time with myself. I can't, don't, won't live in my own head. I need structure, a framework, people to spark off and watch over. I'm not a loner, not by the wildest stretch of the imagination. It isn't even that I live my life vicariously, expressing myself through my relationships with others. Something in me draws others to me. I'm the guy at the apex. Top dog. Alpha Male. Whatever. That's just the way it is. If I have something they need, then they're welcome to it and to me. 

That's the part of me which attracted Carter. I find it near impossible to do either of us any justice over the whole 'feelings' fiasco, but I've had a lot of time to think today, in my post-epiphany - and even moreso in my post-Shifu - depression. Carter and I are not good for one another, there is something in each of us that calls to - encourages - the worst character traits in the other. 

My gut reaction to hearing about the alternate versions of us being together was one I should have remembered before I let my hormones get the better of me in THIS reality, and the Jack only Daniel knew pulled up a chair and joined the SG-1 party on Euronda. I don't need to be the well adjusted introvert to know what a stony-hearted, ruthless bastard I can be. I show that side of myself to Daniel and it's zero tolerance. He cuts the moral ground out from under me, makes me face up to it, do the right thing. I've been showing that side to Carter too, and she - part of her rolled over and just took it. I was that same man in the alternate realities, and it was THAT man the alternate Carters loved. Wrong, wrong, wrong. That's what my gut told me. Major Carter is twice the woman Doctor Carter will ever be, and for all her rigid adherence to the rules, to protocol, to fitting into her 'place', she has more backbone and more warmth than her civilian selves will ever be capable of. 

Daniel brings out the best in Carter, as he does in all of us. Maybe it's time I forgot about turning over a new leaf and went for a whole new tree. Started being her friend too. I'm Daniel's friend, I've loved him for almost as long as I've known him and the sky hasn't fallen, the team hasn't faltered. Surely I can manage it for Carter? 

If I have to let go of behind, in front and between, I can start by letting go of between. Carter has been keeping a careful distance for a while now, because yours truly refused to quit the 'feelings' party despite being firmly shown the door. Time to let her know it's okay, we're okay. Time for us to try being friends. Who knows, she might even learn to like me. If she doesn't, if this is as good as it gets, still it's resolution of a kind. I can live with distance from her, if that's the way she wants it. 

I glance down at the bed. For Daniel and I, it's a different story. Distance from Daniel is a loneliness that hurts the soul. 

I let her drink her fill of him, then offer her more grace than I've managed so far for the long-suffering Janet. "There's nothing physically wrong with him, Carter." 

She looks up at me, eyes very bright. "Nothing waking up won't cure, Sir," she says wryly. Her fingers gently smooth back the hair from his brow. 

I guess she's amiably tolerating my presence. Daniel has never been in the Infirmary without the whole team by his side as much as possible, but we also like our private time with him, Carter included. She does those recuperation cookies and a has a hell of a sideline in sisterly TLC. 

Pretty sure it's sisterly. Though, come to think -- She'd be a lot happier if she did go for guys like Daniel. Like him. NOT him, obviously. He's spoken for. At least, he will be, when he comes to. 

Crap. 

This letting go business is damnably tricky. I'm about to start building a solid mano y mano friendship between Carter and I, and I'm uneasily conscious the first words out of my mouth in support of this noble endeavour are going to be a lie. I don't think Shifu would approve, but hell, I'm not Daniel. My morality is a little more situationally flexible than his, so I gotta take smaller steps on the path to enlightenment. 

"Carter?" 

"Sir?" 

"I'd like YOU to talk to the boy. He's the key to this. If he didn't do this to Daniel, he knows what did. Witness or perpetrator, he ain't talking," I say firmly. 

"Not talking to YOU, you mean?" Carter says softly, eyes weighing me up. 

I shrug. "Nada. Zip. Zilch. He might open up to you, and you might be able to get further than I did with those irritating little aphorisms that he passes off as communication in place of anything comprehensible to we lesser mortals." 

"You don't like him, do you, Sir?" 

I don't like he knows I don't like myself. And I'm not going near that kid again. If he could fuck with my mind like this, God alone knows what he could have done to Daniel. I glance at Daniel's too-still face. What Shifu is doing to him right now. 

"I think I was wrong to bring him here without being able to determine what kind of threat he posed." I gesture to Daniel. "This could just be the start. Remember what Oma was capable of? If this kid goes south on us, what the hell do you think we could do about it? What kind of proportional response can I generate to a force of nature? A tornado, or worse, that lightning frying our guys where they stand? I screwed up, Carter, big time, and now Daniel's paying for it." 

Carter is a little taken aback by my vehemence. "You hold him responsible for Daniel? Sir, we haven't been able to determine the facts, this could be a -" 

"Don't tell me it's a coincidence, Carter. There's nothing natural about this. There isn't a single medical cause for Janet to work on. We're just assuming he'll wake up all bright eyed and bushy tailed, good and rested. There's not a whole hell of a lot we can do in the meantime except wait." 

"Sir, there's nothing to suggest this is permanent." 

"How do we KNOW? God knows, the Goa'uld have never hesitated to use kids against us. And this kid, lest we forget, is the spawn of Apophis. Technologically enhanced spawn, at that. We ONLY have Shifu's word for it he remembers nothing. He could have planned this from the start, could have been after Daniel from the start. After all, he lured us to Abydos and it was Daniel's name he called, no one else's. BORN evil, Carter. That's what Teal'c told us in the briefing." 

Okay. Stop. Stop now. Stop with the yelling. Janet is LOOKING at me again in a manner suggestive of summary eviction. Gotta calm down, ease back on the anger. Supposed to be working on the friendship thing here, not on the venting of emotions I am not permitted to express any other way. 

Fortunately Carter is always a captive audience. I lean in. "The kid could have been influencing Daniel from the moment we met him on Abydos. Look at Daniel's behaviour in the briefing. Didn't you sense something was OFF there? Come on, Carter. Tell me the truth here. I trust your judgement." 

I guess I should say stuff like that more often as Carter's confusion clears in a flush of gratification. 

"Daniel has to be confused about this whole thing, Sir. I -- " she hesitates, glancing behind me, gauging if anyone is close enough to hear this. I wave her on. 

"I think Daniel is becoming disengaged. From us, from the team. Daniel and I - we haven't been spending time together the way we once did. I've been a little concerned, but I haven't known what to do about it. I'm not sure I can judge the cause fairly." Her eyes are steady on mine. 

I guess it's as close as she'll come to an admission of what almost but never quite happened between us. 

"At the same time, Daniel's professional judgement has come under perpetual question from all of us, on mission after mission. Rightly so, in some cases. In others -- " 

She doesn't need to fill in those blanks. 

"We \- I - haven't spared him," she says unflinchingly, generously accepting some of the burden of culpability from me. I know. He's spared us. Over and over. 

"As to the briefing, sir, I just think he's finally learned to speak our language. He was concerned for Shifu's welfare, as were we all, but he was able to see the bigger picture. We can't fault Daniel for being pragmatic, for putting his duty first. For doing what WE do." 

She says 'we' but I know she means me. I don't see any point going on with this. She's missed the point ENTIRELY. Daniel ALWAYS does his duty, no matter how painful or whatever personal cost he has to bear. Today, he FAILED in his duty. He took the path of least resistance. This is not the least concern amongst the multitude clamouring at me. Not only am I not objective, rational is a stretch for me right now, given the magnitude of the wake up call I've had today. With all that's tearing me up inside, I can't judge the cause of Daniel's behaviour fairly either. 

"Talk to the boy, Carter. Please." 

Carter's face softens. "Of course, Sir. For Daniel's sake, of course. I'd do anything I could to help him." 

"I know that," I smile at her and she smiles right back. After a final look at Daniel she nods reassuringly at me, "With your permission, Sir?" and strides over to confer with Janet before heading determinedly out the door. 

I don't blame her. Doing is always better than waiting. 

Now that was painless. Asking instead of telling. Got her to open up a little, to see beyond rank and protocol. I can do this. I can definitely do this. Be a friend. It's the easiest thing I have to do, to face, but still, it's something I haven't managed so far. 

I lean closer to Daniel. "Stay with me, Daniel. We are going to help you. Just stay with me. TRUST me." 


	2. Chapter 2

 

DANIEL

You should have listened to me, Sam. You really should have. I did try to warm you. But you always did know best, didn't you. You didn't leave me any choice. I had to take action, I had to save you from the consequences of your own arrogant, misguided ambitions.

No hard feelings?

You've been a very busy, naughty girl, Samantha. Very naughty! You've waxed venomous all over the Pentagon and Capitol Hill, whispering sweet poison into the ear of anyone who would listen to your 'selfless' concern for DAN-iel's welfare and your paranoid, completely groundless fears about fate of the world. Oh dear. Playing the megalomania card was just so - obvious. Not to mention trite. Clichéd. Dated. Ridiculous. But then again, very much in keeping with the rather conventional and unimaginative way your mind works. You've more than demonstrated a considerable inability to think outside the box.

Or outside the cell.

I'm so touched by the faith the military machine has shown in me, their anxiety to assuage my concerns for your welfare. You'll get the very best of care, Sam, dear. The very best. Although, as I cue the security camera monitoring your cell 24/7, I have to admit your surroundings are far less salubrious than the mental health ward DAN-iel once found himself consigned to, and the orange is an unexpected touch of cruelty given your skin tone, but still, the very best of care. I made sure of it.

There's a pleasing symmetry to disposing of Sam in this way. Quite delicious, actually. An eloquent object lesson for the good Major Doctor on the perils of being perceived as the flake, the emotive little romantic always 'doing the right thing', of being the sole voice of 'reason' crying all alone in the wilderness only to have the scientist come in and overwhelm intuition and accusation with facts. I've seen your theory and raised you a proof, Sam.

Ah, if only she had the wit to perceive the point of the lesson, we could share the exquisite irony of consummate role reversal.

I've been monitoring all the phone calls and outgoing messages she's been relentlessly sending in the vain hope of getting someone, anyone to pay attention to her delusions. She's already exhausted the 'A' list during her rapid descent into the cell she's gracing and there's only one name of note on the 'B' list.

Frankly, he won't be at all happy to learn just how far down the pecking order he comes these days. Poor Jack. It's almost in me to feel sorry for him. The rapidity of his self-inflicted slide from apex to nadir made Sam's subsequent tumble look leisurely by comparison. I've been curious to see if he'd turn up. It's not like he has anything to distract him from his own redundancy.

Ah, well what do we have here? Speak of the devil. Looks like today's the day we all get lucky.

Jack came through for her after all. I see. That's the way it is - still. He refused to answer any of my calls and yet, the moment she crooks a finger, he comes running. He's so utterly reliable in his mundanity.

"Sir, thank you for coming," she says to him as Jack walks up to the bars separating them.

"What are you doing Carter?" he asks in a tired voice. Maybe this isn't as bad as I thought. He sounds like he's humouring her. Maybe this is simply a professional courtesy call. The least he can do for someone who once served under him. No matter how much of a nutbar she's become in the interim.

Maybe. Still, it's a lot more courtesy, professional or otherwise, than he's shown me.

"I'm trying to do what's right," she starts to whine. "I've talked to everyone I know. No one's answering my calls, responding to my e-mails, even my letters."

"Because they think you're NUTS!" Jack cuts her off with his unique and entirely refreshing knack for stating the blindingly obvious.

"What do you think?" she asks him pointedly.

Ah, now THAT'S really the question, isn't it? What DO you think, Jack? Enlighten us, please.

"We're talking about Daniel here," he tells her with a small shrug. Daniel -- "Sometimes he can be a little odd. Every once in a while he gets carried away, but he's not gonna do anything to jeopardise the entire planet."

That was unexpected. Approval, of a sort, from the man's own lips. He still believes in me. Correction, believes in DAN-iel. Not the same thing. Not even close. Not any more.

He's looking good, though. Looking very good. A little tired, but boredom will do that to you. Especially to someone who's seen as much action as Jack. Needs as much constant stimulation, needs to be - needed. It's good to see him. Haven't seen him in such a long time. What the hell, it's so good to see him I'll overlook the fact he called me 'odd'.

"I'm not so sure, sir," Sam tells him with all the studied directness of the stupidly determined.

There's a news flash. I already know your views on the subject. I want to hear what Jack has to say.

I wish I could see his expression but unfortunately he's keeping his back to the camera. Looking at HER.

"There are a lot of very smart people who believe in this," Jack reminds her. Way to go, Jack. Tell her the way it is. Say it with me. 'Sorry, Sam, but you're NUTS'.

"He's got them brainwashed!" she snaps.

So I'm persuasive. So sue me.

Jack tries to placate her but she's not quite ready to be patted on the head and placated. Not going to admit she's beaten without a fight.

"What about Teal'c?" she challenges. "You don't still blame Daniel for that?"

Yes, Jack, what about Teal'c? Is he still coming between us?

I don't have to be able to see his face to know that one went home. His back stiffens, he pauses a moment before replying. When he finally manages to get the words out his voice lacks the conviction he is trying to convey to her.

"I couldn't prove anything. Can you?" he says uneasily.

So, not being able to prove anything doesn't mean he still doesn't suspect. Still doesn't hold me accountable. Dammit! Guess that means the answer is still 'yes'.

It's just like that useless, bothersome slave to go on giving me grief even after he's dead. I want to kill him all over again for the trouble he's still causing me.

As to that 'proof' you're looking for, sorry, she won't be able to help you out there, Jack. No one is ever going to be able to prove anything. I'm much too smart for that. Teal'c took the truth of the circumstances of his unfortunate demise with him when he - went. I'm the only one who knows what really happened, and wouldn't you know it, I'm not telling.

Ask me nicely, however, and I might tell you.

"No," she admits. "I just have my opinion. But that used to be worth something to you."

Sam, that's not bad! You've been practising! Hit his guilt button. Appeal to the good ole team loyalties. Not bad at all. Especially as it seems to be working on him.

Ah, Jack, you always were a sucker for a sob story.

"Look Carter, you helped Daniel create these weapons," he reminds her.

Not bad yourself, Jack. Assigning blame. Your speciality. As well as shifting the load. You're one of the best when it comes to active and creative avoidance. Nothing sticks to you once you start flinging responsibility around. You've got her there, fair and square, dead to rights, she's admitting she's partially responsible for creating the 'monster' she's now bound and determined MUST be destroyed. For the good of the world. Of course.

Sam, your selfless dedication to your cause in the face of your own complicity astonishes me.

Or does your driving determination to 'stop me at all costs' stem from an even simpler motivation than that? Are you just pissed off with me 'cause once again, I thought of it first?

"Well you couldn't stop it, what do you expect me to do?" Jack asks her in his best 'bottom line it for me' voice.

Okay, here it comes. What do you really want here, Sam? What do you want from Jack. Why is he here? What are you hoping he will do for you?

"Talk to him," she says earnestly.

Talk to me? That's it? You want Jack to try and intercede for you? Put in a good word with Doctor Jackson for you? You want Jack to try and wheedle a get out of jail free card from his good old forgotten friend and one time pal DAN-iel?

It just might work. At least it would be interesting to see just how far Jack is willing to go to persuade me to turn you loose. And there's a certain satisfyingly fitting irony inherent in the scenario that frankly appeals to me.

Appeals to me a lot!

"Sir, you have to try. Somebody has to stop him before it's too late."

Oh, sorry, back to this, are we? I knew it was too good to be true. Why Sam, I'm impressed. How selfless. Not 'oh sir, please get DAN-iel to let me out of jail', but 'I don't matter, stop him before he takes over the world'!

How truly noble of you. Getting all misty-eyed here.

They talk some more, but I'm no longer listening. Just looking at them. At him. With her.

After all this time it seems Jack O'Neill is finally going to be coming to see DAN-iel. Going to be paying a visit to his late-lamented friend.

Ordinarily I'd be quite happy about this, but I'm afraid this conversation has cast a bit of a pall on my elation about the impending blessed event. I'd be viewing Jack's imminent return into my life as a lot more significant if I was a little surer of his motives. It would definitely be more meaningful if I knew he was doing it because he genuinely wanted to see me. Not because he was doing it for her.

The whys and wherefores are going to have to wait. Whatever's driving him to come, it seems he's on his way.

Jack is going to be coming to see DAN-iel. Doctor Jackson will be waiting. Between the two of us, we'll get to the bottom of things. Once I have him I'm not letting him go until I know the truth.

* * *

He's here. After all this time, he's finally come to me.

I'm annoyed I'm not as calm about this as I should be. A little disconcerted by the fact I find the prospect of seeing him again, face to face -- exciting.

It's nothing I can't handle. Nor am I kidding myself. He's not exactly shown up on my doorstep with the purest of intentions.

Nor the most impure, more's the pity.

Still, it's all I can do to smother a smile as I walk into the room and see him nervously fumbling with the flowers on the mantle. Bending over to pick one up as it falls.

He stands up quickly, whirling about to face me, a startled, slightly guilty expression on his face. Which abruptly turns into one of self-conscious horror as he realises I've walked into the room in time to catch him standing there waiting for me apparently bearing flowers.

Well, flower, anyway.

A pleasing thought, if only it was really true. However, we both know while you weren't planning to say it with flowers, you haven't exactly come empty-handed, have you, Jack? You've brought me a gift, but it's not one you want to show me, not until the moment when you finally let me have it. The moment I'll know why you've REALLY come to see me.

"Jack," I say to him, smiling now as I watch him grimace and hurriedly stuff the flower back into the arrangement behind him. " Nice to see you."

It is. It really is. Not that I've needed you around or anything. I've had plenty to do to keep me occupied. Tons and tons of subservient, pliant people more than willing to fulfil my every - whim.

I've got it made, Jack. Can have anything I want. Any ONE I want. All I have to do is crook a finger and people come running. People who've made satisfying my every desire nothing short of their life's work.

Can't tell you how bored I've been.

Somehow it's all been too easy. Nobody gives me any grief. Talks back. Gets in my face. It's all my way and it was okay for a little while, but, I have to admit, seeing you again, it hasn't been the same without you.

I've missed the battle. The constant confrontations we used to have. The give and take. Mostly you taking. Daniel giving. He was an idiot in that respect as well.

I've missed your crap. You were a pain in the ass and a constant, gnawing irritant under my skin but the one thing you NEVER were, Jack, was boring.

And now, here you are. You've come back into my life, just like that. After months and months of 'return to sender, no such address, sorry wrong number, no one by that name lives here', you've just up and waltzed through my front door, wearing that same old 'hey, it's me, Jack!' smile, figuring as always, that's all it's going to take? Give Danny the twinkling, rakish, bad-boy grin and he'll take you back, no questions asked?

You might have a better chance of getting me to play along with your 'no fault' approach to friendship if you hadn't gone to see HER before you came back to me. You see, and I know this is going to shock you, Jack, that I could even THINK to doubt your sincerity after all the trust, support and faith you've shown me, but I find myself wondering why you're really here. Danny would clasp you to his bosom without a second thought, but Doctor Jackson is a little less trusting and a LOT more pragmatic.

So, why ARE you here, Jack? Thinking you're on some kind of mission for Carter, her knight in shinning armour, or looking to get back into my good graces? Which is it, Jack? What's it going to be?

Let's suck it and see, shall we?

Let's play.

Jack's started out with a definite tactical disadvantage, being caught with the pansy in his hand and all, but he quickly shows me although it's been a while since we've danced together, he hasn't forgotten the steps. He quickly rallies and responds to my greeting with an enthusiastic pseudo-sincere rejoinder of his own.

"You too!" he says emphatically, with a nod. "It's been a while, huh?" Shrug, his 'sorry' face, then he gestures around and launches into the big compliment. "I love the place. Love what you've done with it."

A little too big, a little too forced. But, still, not bad. My turn, now.

"I'm sorry I haven't kept in touch." Giving him back just a hint of DAN-iel. Not too much. Just enough to pique his interest. Don't want too shoot my entire load too soon. Save some for later.

"Ahh, you've been busy," he returns, bigger shrug, tossing it off but still letting me see the 'pain' he's pretending he's not been feeling and further pretending to be unaware he's let slip out. 'Yeah, I'm hurt you forgot your old friends when you made it to the top, but hey, that's life.' No hard feelings?

"Well, the truth is we couldn't have done any of this without your help and I probably should have been more appreciative." Okay, Jack. I'll take the responsibility you're trying to give me. Once again, it's all DAN-iel's fault. Mea culpa. Like always, Jack is the injured party, here. Some things never change, do they?

Never mind it was YOU who walked out on ME.

"The fruit basket was nice."

Indeed. Glad to hear you enjoyed it. Glad to hear you GOT it. Your thank you note must have gotten lost in the shuffle. Along with your replies to my phone calls, invitations -

"Can't be a coincidence you showed up here on the day of the launch." Getting a little side-tracked, here. Time to get to the point.

"Is that today?" he returns, feigning surprise. Badly.

"Yeah, it was supposed to be top secret." Supposedly. Obviously you still have a source or two of information I don't know about. Interesting. I'd be looking into it, but after today, there won't be any need.

"Who knew?" he grins at me in such an obvious, endearing way I can't help but forgive him the lie.

"You wanna stay and watch?" I dangle the invitation before him. He's clearly been looking for an opening, an opportunity to worm his way back into the 'inner sanctum' but has been painfully unsure of his welcome.

Not sure he could still count on having as much pull with me as he did before. I've got no intention of setting his mind at ease on this score. No intention whatsoever.

I'll let you in, Jack, but if you want to stay, you're going to have to ASK.

"You got a big screen?" he grins in anticipation at me, taking a hesitant step forward. For a second, I can see something gleaming in his eyes. I still don't know why he's really here but suddenly he seems to have forgotten it as well.

He's in the grip of that inchoate 'something' both of us were always aware of, but neither one of us would own or admit to.

But something, it would seem, neither one of us can ever completely turn our backs on. Whether we're actually on the same team or not.

For a brief instant he's forgotten his 'mission'. Whatever brought him to me, it's not what's making him come to me now. He's here, reaching to me across the space between us without moving, not because he has to be, but because he WANTS to be.

Time to let him in on it.

"Come here." I say softly, commandingly.

He stiffens immediately at the sound of my voice. Stares startled into my eyes as if suddenly surprised to hear me speaking his own thoughts aloud.

Which means of course he has to immediately deny he was thinking any such thing.

"Why?" his mouth says suspiciously, eyes looking me over warily while his feet are shuffling him, unwilling, but still coming.

"You'll see." I smile provocatively at him. He inches uncertainly toward me, taking a few more hesitant steps, his eyes never leaving my face.

Oh, that's not true. He's looking me over. All of me. Licking his lips, wanting to, hopeful and yet terrified of his own covetous attraction. Come just a little closer, Jack. We both know you want it. You've ALWAYS wanted it. You've yearned for it from the moment we met, suffered years of maddening desire deadlocked by adamantine denial.

"What?" he says stubbornly, glaring at me. Not coming any closer, huh, Jack? Won't show me yours 'til I show you mine?

Hold onto your ass, we're going for a trip.

The look on his face when the rings drop down around us is truly one for the books. Definitely the last thing he was expecting.

"Elevators are such a pain in the ass." I say teasingly to him before turning away at his open-mouthed astonishment and striding over to my command chair in the middle of the bunker. It takes him a minute to recover but then he follows me, almost meekly, clearly overwhelmed as he takes in our surroundings.

Welcome to my place, Jack. My humble little home away from home. Better than state of the art, more than cutting edge, the best, the most advanced, the biggest, every square inch of it conceived of, designed and realised by yours truly, every aspect of its construction personally supervised by your dear little Dannyboy. I thought it up, they built it for me, just the way I wanted. Just the way I told them to. Because I told them to. Mine.

Sure beats the hell out of your rec room, don't it, Jack? Go on, take a good look around the joint and tell me you're not seriously impressed. "What do you think?" I ask him as I bring the chair into position and start checking my monitors. Things are going well, everything is on schedule. I'm aware of this immediately, but continue to appear as if I'm completely focussed on the data I'm receiving and the status reports of the technicians.

When really I'm nothing of the kind. I'm watching Jack. Watching. Waiting. If he's going to make his move, it'll have to come some time soon.

Let's see where the game takes us.

My mind registers every piece of information being relayed to me by my people as I watch Jack surveying the new playing field. He's doing his best country bumpkin impersonation, gaping about like he's just come up to the big city from the farm, but he's not fooling me.

Jack's a much better tactician than he likes to let on. Threat assessment is his middle name.

He's doing plenty of 'assessing' at the moment. From the looks of it he's not too pleased with what he's seeing.

"It's cool," he observes casually, with a slightly vacant grin. "Kinda like Vegas." Duh, don't mind me, moron here. I've never been in a top secret military ultra high tech missile launch monitoring site before. Haven't got a clue what I'm looking at. Don't have the foggiest what any of this stuff means.

Sure, Jack. Save it for Sam. Doctor Jackson wasn't born yesterday. But you are very cute when you're playing the buffoon.

"Actually we've got three to one odds in favour of the launch going off without a hitch," I inform him with a rather satisfied smile.

"Hey, I'll take some of that action," he quips.

No sooner said than done. You want action, Jack, I'll give you a run for your money. Take you for everything you've got. And more.

"Put Colonel O'Neill down for a hundred." I toss over my shoulder to one of my techs. To an instant, efficient acknowledgement of my wishes.

He doesn't miss it. Doctor Jackson speaks, people jump. Was a time it used to be you, huh Jack? How times change. Doctor Jackson is a much bigger deal than you could ever hope to be. Question is, are you man enough to admit I'm a better one than you?

Can you deal with it Jack? Can you handle me? You had DAN-iel under your thumb. Doctor Jackson is nobody's blue-eyed boy. You're going to have to learn a whole new set of ground rules and I'm more than up for teaching them to you.

Can you take what I'm going to give you?

"Dollars, right?" Jack adds nervously. What's the matter, my friend, suddenly not so sure of yourself? Don't know if you've got the balls to play with the big boy? Can only take a chance when you've got the home advantage? Doctor Jackson making you nervous?

Let's find out where we really stand.

"I'm glad you're here, Jack." I tell him with a rueful smile. "After what happened to Teal'c, I thought I'd never see you again."

Straight up, Jack. That was the truth. Every single word. No games, here, just me, levelling with you. What have you got for me?

"Ahh, ancient history," he brushes what I've just said aside with a casual wave of his hand. "Besides, I didn't want to miss watching you save the world."

Or pass up an opportunity to stop me from doing it.

"Yeah, actually Sam thinks I'm trying to take it over." Hah, hah! That's a laugh, huh? Imagine your very own sweet, stoic take it up the ass every time but keep right on tickin' little DAN-iel trying to take over the world! I mean, even if he could, what would he DO with it? The meek are supposed to hang in there, suffering in dignified silence and justified expectation until somebody finally gives them their fair share for all their patience, tolerance and forbearance. Oh, they get what's coming to them all right. Not what they're expecting, but exactly what they deserve for standing by and doing and saying nothing in their own defence while stupider, louder, more aggressive people fuck them over and throw them aside.

Nice guys finish last. It's a cliché, but there it is.

"Oh, how ARCH," Jack ripostes. Trying to convince me he thinks it's a ridiculous idea. To imagine Daniel capable of it, certainly. DAN-iel? A threat? Furthest thing from his mind.

Not so sure of Doctor Jackson, though. He's a completely different story.

You have no idea. But very, very soon, you're going to be gaining some first hand knowledge. Up close and profoundly personal.

"Yeah," I give him a noncommittal grunt.

"So you threw her in jail, huh?" he asks as he takes another look around the bunker. No mistaking the meaning behind that one. He thinks he knows what's going on but he wants to hear me say it.

"She was getting dangerous," I tell him a little tersely. I'm slightly disappointed he needs me to explain my actions. Still expects me to justify myself to him. Doesn't accept my judgement. Once, just once I wish he would take me on trust.

I don't want to hear 'why did you do it' from you, Jack. What I want to hear is 'I don't understand why you did it, but if you thought you had to, Danny, it's good enough for me.'

THAT's what I want to hear from you, Jack.

"You think the military didn't take all kinds of precautions to make sure I couldn't just control everything?" I finish patiently. Stating the obvious. We both know DAN-iel is smart, but even he's not smart enough to out-manoeuvre the best scientific and technical minds of the United States Military! Not DAN-iel.

"Ahh. So what is all this?" Jack asks with a wave of his hand. Cautiously sceptical. Not buying what Doctor Jackson is selling.

"Basically a big screen TV so we can watch and fix things if it goes wrong." I reply.

Fine, let's cut the crap, shall we? So we both know I'm lying. Still nothing wrong with your instincts, it would seem. But where's it written taking over the world is a BAD thing, Jack? After all, it's me. Of all the people in the world, you've got the least cause to be apprehensive of the impending new order. You've got an in like no one else if you're finally man enough to take it. Trust me. I know what I'm doing. It's for the best.

Maybe Sam did send you to stop me, but you're both presuming I NEED to be stopped. That what I'm planning to do isn't in the Earth's best interests. This all could have been so much different for her if she'd only trusted me. Worked with me. Instead of trying to supplant me.

Well, now she's reaped the rewards of her own short sightedness. Don't be as stupid as she has been, Jack. Don't make the same mistake. I'm offering you the world on a platter. Literally. Take it. Trust me.

Don't be dense.

Like you were over Sam. You never fucked our own dear Sam, did you, Jack? Afraid of whose face you'd see, whose name you'd call if you were to let go with that pale, rigid imitation? I've got news for you. You were a pale imitation to her too, her own need and fear of not belonging made manifest. If the other Carters had you, well, why shouldn't she? And you saw it all clearly, the way she needed you to after she pointed it out to you so forcefully, in front of an audience.

You didn't know DAN-iel knew all about it, did you? Didn't know the poor, stupid, caring schmuck figured out something was wrong and wanted to help his friends. Didn't know he went and watched the tape of the whole sordid scene, did you?

No, of course you didn't. Didn't have a clue. The same way as you never had the slightest clue about ANYTHING where DAN-iel was concerned. Well, he did. He watched it. He saw the whole thing. The stupid, dumb, trusting fuck. He knew everything that went on, everything that was said. Everything YOU said. Everything YOU never bothered to tell him. The whole time you were carrying on and billing and cooing with Sam and giving him the boot. After you'd been browbeaten into thinking the whole thing was YOUR idea.

Carter is smarter so if she told you that you were in love with her - not like she could be wrong or anything - follows therefore you HAD to be? Right? Even poor DAN-iel could have pointed out the flaws in that hypothesis. If you'd ever given him the opportunity. Or half a chance, even. But of course, you never owned up. You just acted out. As always. Why DO you find it so easy to take professional responsibility whilst at the same time opting for the 'not gonna deal' fork in the personal responsibility path? Easier for you to be the colonel than the man?

Or is it simply a matter of plain not having the guts to face the music after all?

Marla informs me I've got a call from the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs and sure enough, there he is, General Vidrine, bright eyed and smiling all over my nice big, wide screen. All ready to share the joy on this our proud and shining day of achievement.

He won't be so happy if things go the way I'm expecting them to. But that would be putting the cart before the horse. Right now, I'm still playing the part of Doctor Jackson, dedicated servant of the Earth. I pull out all the stops as I talk with Vidrine, fully aware Jack is watching my every move.

Not missing a damned thing.

You go ahead, Jack, you get the whole story. Gather all the intel you need. You've got a big decision ahead of you. Let's hope you've got enough sense to chose the winning side.

"Congratulations, Dr. Jackson," Vidrine's self-satisfied voice booms through the bunker. Great sound to go along with the picture. "We've all worked very hard for this day."

"Thank you and congratulations to you," Kiss, kiss smoosh, smoosh, my people will be taking over for your people, but I'll get back to you about it, 'kay?

Jack is looking a tad - superfluous. Little colonel lost, reduced to being a spectator, nothing to do but watch history being made before his eyes. Right in the middle of things, privileged to be one of the select few present in the pulsing heart of the action, front row and centre for the main event but having a hand in nothing happening all around him. I feel for him, but he's going to have to play with himself for the next little while. The Doctor has to go to work right now, big, grown up important work, but don't go away, Jack, I'll have time to play with you real soon.

All the time in the world.

"We're a go for launch," Vidrine announces. "Commencing twenty-second countdown."

"All systems are go. The clock is running," my lead tech reports. Jack's eyes are dancing over the monitors, taking in everything. I can't resist a little bragging.

"We've got twenty four delivery systems all launching concurrently. Each one is carrying twelve AG3's that will disperse once they reach orbit," I inform him as I continue to monitor my own telemetry system. In spite of himself, Jack's impressed. Damned impressed. He looks me over, takes in the imposing spectacle of Doctor Jackson ensconced in the centre of his power, his attention seemingly completely devoted to the monitors he's scrutinising and the switches he's confidently flicking, and even Jack has to give me a moment's grudging respect.

It's something, but is it enough? Not sure. Jury's still out, I'm thinking. He's evidently still thinking as well, as he frowns slightly and turns his attention back to the big screen.

Lift off! Showtime! I can't help but feel a thrill of excitement lance through me as I watch my babies leap up from the Earth and throw themselves into the sky. It's a major turn on, I admit it. I've worked damned hard for this day, why shouldn't I get off on watching it happen? While also getting off on knowing I'm the only reason it IS happening?

You think this is exciting Jack, wait till you see what happens next.

It all goes like a charm. Naturally. I watch him watching the flawless dispersement of the system when the missiles reach their correct orbital altitude. With perfect, clockwork precision the technology performs exactly as I designed it, the monitoring system coming on line without a hitch, a glitch or so much as a whimper, bang on schedule. The network is officially in place.

GOD! That was good!

All according to plan. My plan. My baby. Couldn't be prouder of it if it was an actual child. The fruit of my mind. My gift to the world. Mine.

And Jack's been right here beside me to watch its coming into being. Born right in front of his eyes. He turns to me, awed and quite speechless. He's stunned by what he's just seen, especially as it really hits him, I think for the first time, that he's looking at the man solely responsible for all of it.

Me. Doctor Jackson. The most powerful man in the world.

"That's it. Pay the winners." I smile proudly as I look to him and share the fullness of my elation only with him.

* * *

Jack's not getting into the spirit of things. He's still worried. I'm doing my best to show him he's got no cause. I pop the cork on the bubbly, pour the first glass and offer it to him. He shakes his head and stands uneasily at my side.

"You sure?" I cajole gently. " It's two thousand dollars a bottle." Nothing but the best for Doctor Jackson and his friends. Come on, Jack, loosen up!

"No thanks," he shakes his head again. Maybe he's not comfortable with all these people around. He's going to have to get used to being the centre of some very focused attention. Better bring him up to speed on a few other ways his life is going to be changing for the better, all thanks to me.

"Come on, Jack, you're about to become an international hero," I inform him in a lightly teasing voice.

To which he reacts with a pointed look of alarm.

"How do you mean?" he asks me suspiciously.

"Well, now that we have a way of defending ourselves against the Goa'uld, the President is gonna make the Stargate's existence public knowledge." Should be doing so any minute, actually.

Ah, there we go. I'm informed the satellite news feed is coming in, right on schedule and both Jack and I turn to the big screen.

Hmmm, what's this? Not the press secretary. A reporter. Oh, how annoying. I hate it when people are so numbingly predictable.

Sorry, Jack, looks as if your guest shot on Letterman is going to have to be postponed. The Russians are freaking. Better get Vidrine on the line and go through the whole 'pretending to need presidential approval' riff to deal with this song and dance.

I turn my back on Amy Jensen whittering on about international crises and head back for the big chair. Jack's eyes follow me as I sit myself down and start working the seat. I don't really need to mess with all the buttons I'm pressing, but doing it sure seems to press a few of his. Ah, there we go, press another one and Amy goes away and Vidrine comes back.

Wish dealing with all life's problems were as easy as making them go away with a little finger action. One single button - nothing but good times. But come to think of it, very shortly it all might very well be coming down to just that.

Depends on how far anyone planning to get in my way tries to push ME.

"What's going on?" I demand brusquely of Vidrine.

"The Russians have gone on high alert," he responds quickly. Not panicking. Not concerned. That's good. No need to lose our heads over this, people. This isn't a big deal. I've anticipated all of this. "The Chinese are following suit. The Russians are repositioning one of their anti-satellite weapons. Looks like they're going to try and take out one of our AG3's."

Okay, so it doesn't look so good. But still not such a big deal.

"Did they respond to the statement?" I ask him as I look over my own telemetry.

"The Russian parliament considers the secret development and deployment of this new alien technology weapons system to be a direct violation of prior agreements to share all information garnered through the Stargate programme. Unless control of this system is relinquished immediately it will be considered an act of aggression and will be responded to as such."

"That's pretty much what we expected," I calmly remind him, and he agrees. "Then my advice to the President is we have to demonstrate what we are capable of." Next logical step in the progression of the 'Russians getting out their guns' scenario, which I've previously meticulously plotted out for you. Well in advance of it actually happening.

I've given you the script, people. All you have to do is follow it.

"I have suggested that to him already and the President agrees."

Good, good man. Doing exactly what you are told. Excellent. So far the President has also shown himself to be worthy of the position of authority he is currently holding. We'll see if he continues to be half the man he needs to be when push really comes to shove.

Jack has settled into a chair at the console in front of me and is watching me while pretending not to watch me going through the motions of waiting for the launch codes for the system. I get 'permission' from the Prez to bring out my brand new gun and away we go. It's the work of a few seconds to take care of the Russian missile.

Missile go boom. Score one for Doctor Jackson. Thunderous round of applause, if you please. And for my next number -- What'cha got for me now?

"Very effective," Vidrine says approvingly "Everyone here is very impressed."

Dammed well should be. I've got the biggest damned gun on the whole planet, now, and I'm not afraid to use it.

"Let's hope the Russians are as well." I wave away his praise with the correct air of self-deprecation. Oh, it's nothing. Really.

Vidrine, however, like me, is a realist.

"We predicted their next step would be to launch more anti-satellite weapons and that's exactly what they're doing. I'm sure they're moving rockets into position as we speak."

Oh, you can count on it, General. They've already demonstrated they're idiots by sending out the first missile. Seeing how far that got them, only makes sense they'd not learn from their mistake and try, try again.

One of the major failings of arrogance is how unbelievably stupid unwarranted belief in your own omnipotence makes you.

"And your next step?" I say wearily to him as I bend my head and rub my eyes in an effort to disguise my impatience. Let's stop playing games with these losers. Wrap this up so we can get down and party. I'm keeping an old friend waiting, one who doesn't look like he's having a good time, and, frankly, I'd rather be someplace else so I can give him that quality time he's always wanted with me, thanks.

"We're preparing a proportional response. I'm recommending we take out their launch site."

No, no Vidrine. Too conservative. Thinking too small. Wasting more time. Let me help you out a little, here.

"This is all leading to a full-scale nuclear attack though, isn't it?"

I don't mind stating the obvious if doing so helps others get to where I need them to go.

"Unless we comply with their demands, yes, that would be a high probability."

Ya think? I'm starting to get a headache from all this foolishness. Not to mention losing what little remaining tolerance I have for idiots and cowards. I really would have preferred not to have had this unfortunate set of circumstances spoil what otherwise has been a most satisfying day but now that we've got no choice, it's time to stop messing around.

"Shouldn't we just nip this in the bud?" I tell Vidrine bluntly. Also can't help noticing the way Jack sits up and focuses on me. He's been sitting there trying to make like the boob once more, but in truth his eyes have barely left my face the entire time.

He's been watching me, studying me. Trying to make up his mind. We're coming to the moment of truth in more ways than one.

The next few minutes should prove to be very illuminating indeed.

Vidrine is talking again.

"Given our new ability to defend ourselves we don't see the need to jump the gun. The President is currently rethinking our position on unilateral control of the system."

"I see." NOT what I wanted to hear. But again, pretty much what I was expecting. Politicians and bureaucrats. Fools and weaklings, the whole lot of them. Well, fortunately I've set things up so I don't need any of them. I hit my personal override turning the control of the system over to me, locking out all other access.

Permanently.

Vidrine is making 'what the hell are you doing noises' which I barely hear as I explain the new facts of life to him.

"As I suspected the President is obviously failing to overcome a lack of necessary leadership abilities. So I'm gonna have to step in and prevent a global nuclear war."

Should be clear enough, even for you.

"You're not supposed to be able to do this!" he protests. "You CAN'T do this."

My monitors tell me otherwise, General, how about yours?

"I've already done this," I brusquely inform him as I continue to bring the rest of the system under my personal control. "This bunker is well protected. Don't even think about sending a cruise missile our way."

You won't like the way I respond to such discourtesy.

He's trying to say something else but I cut him off at the knees. Bye bye, General, can't say it's been great.

"I don't know about the rest of you, but I had about enough of that guy," I quip lightly to the room in general, Jack in particular. I almost want to laugh. Maybe later. Got work to do right now.

"Daniel? What are you doing?" Jack is walking up to me, a worried look on his face. I'm a little busy at the moment, but I can spare him a moment or two so he can fully appreciate exactly what sort of decisions I'm faced with. Perhaps it'll be easier for him to understand precisely what's going on if I give him the rest of the picture.

"Proportional response only makes sense when the playing field is even. We have a distinct advantage here. Problem is the other side just doesn't realise how wide the gap is. What they really need is a visual aid."

Bear in mind, Jack, this isn't my fault. I didn't start it. But I'm damned well going to finish it. Quickly and cleanly. What's more, as you just saw, I'm the only one who's got the vision and the balls to do what has to be done.

Jack is absolutely still, watching the monitor, until my lead tech announces the AG system is targeting Moscow. Then he quickly turns to me, a strange, expression on his face.

"Daniel," he says softly.

This is it, isn't it Jack? The moment of truth? This is when you chose. Her, or me. Who's it going to be?

"Don't worry," I tell him as he turns his back on me, "there's no threat of residual radiation spreading, it's quick and clean, it's like cutting your enemy's heart out with a scalpel."

I find the image suddenly, strongly appealing. To actually DO it. Remove a living, beating heart with my own hands. It's an interesting thought. What would it feel like? How would it really be done? How much blood? In my mind I'm seeing it as an almost antiseptic event. Simple, elegant, clean. Beautiful. But it wouldn't be anything like that at all, would it? Not really. Reality would be so much more vital. And satisfying. It'd be messy, gruesome, painful. Dreadfully painful. I wonder how much. Wonder how much it would hurt, how much she would scream --

That's when Jack abruptly spins about, the gun in his hand, firing point blank at me, right between the eyes. I see the bullets impact off the force shield, see where he would have hit me. If I'd let him - or anyone else - take me by surprise.

He continues rapidly squeezing the trigger, emptying the entire clip in his grandly futile gesture. When he's given me all he's got he stands quietly, staring at his useless gun for an embarrassed second before looking at me with rueful regret.

Regret for having crossed the line or regret for having failed to kill me I can't say. Guess we'll never know. Not that it would make any difference now.

I can't find it in my heart to hate him, even after this. Even though what he's just done has excised what little heart I realise I still had left.

"Don't you think it was strange you got through security with a loaded gun?" I ask him gently. None so blind as those who will not see, Jack.

"A little," he acknowledges with a slight shrug.

"You never were that bright." I tell him sadly.

"No." he assents, with equal sadness. For once, not arguing with me.

It's quite a moment. Maybe the most honest one we've ever shared. He never saw. Never got it. Never understood me. Thought he did. But now, for the very first time he gets it. He knows exactly what he could have had, right up until the very moment he wantonly threw away his last chance.

One thing I don't think he gets, though. He could have stopped me. He never needed that gun. All he had to do was ask.

All you ever had to do was ask, Jack. Say the word - I'd have given it all up to you. For you. But - that was then. This is now.

He glances nervously at the monitor before him as the system targets Moscow. Life goes on. At least, for some of us.

"Daniel, think about one thing before you do this," he says quickly, turning back to me, desperation flaring in his eyes. "We never proved that kid was a Harsesis."

"What are you talking about?" I'm thrown by this. Admittedly, Jack's forlorn last-ditch attempt to 'reach' me has taken the last direction I was expecting what little conversation was left between us to go.

"Everything he put in your head," Jack continues fervently. "The Goa'uld have used mind control before."

I gaze at him intently, with interest. Appear to be giving what he is saying careful consideration. "You think this is some elaborate Goa'uld plot to get me to destroy the world?"

"We've seen them use kids too!" he urges.

"They used Shifu to put a bunch of stuff into my head in order to build the weapons only to eventually turn them on Earth?" Interesting idea, Jack, my expression seems to say to him. He's very encouraged - thinking no doubt he's finally gotten through to me.

"It's possible," Jack says hopefully, still trying to appeal to a better nature he erroneously believes I still possess.

Maybe once. Maybe only seconds ago. But no longer, Jack. You just saw to that yourself. Maybe you didn't do what Sam asked you to, maybe you didn't 'stop' me, but you did succeed in killing something.

Daniel. Daniel is finally dead. By your hand.

"There's only one flaw in that theory," Doctor Jackson tells him. Watching the fear and the horror in Jack's face grow with every advancing syllable. As he realises, finally, at the very last, how completely he's failed. "You're assuming this is not what I wanted all along."

All of you, every single one of you, needed to understand. You're only getting exactly what you deserve.

You made me. You created me. You could have had Daniel. But you didn't even bother to see what you had - didn't have any APPRECIATION at all. Shut him out, cast him aside, ridiculed him, none of you worthy of the smallest part of what he suffered for you. None of you. I despise all of you.

And now you're MINE. To do with as I please. Believe me, you should have appreciated Daniel. He had a heart. More fool him. You should have treated him better. Every damned one of you, but most especially you, Jack. Well, now you're all choiceless in the matter. Now every single one of you is going to pay for the sins of the colonel. Starting with the man himself. Get ready to take what Doctor Jackson has for you, Jack. Where you once sought to control, you will learn to submit.

Daniel's gone. You never knew what you had, but believe me by the time I get through with you, you're going to miss him. You'll learn the true meaning of loss.

You'll find Doctor Jackson slightly less than compassionate in the teaching of this much-needed lesson.

"Don't. Don't." Jack mutters desperately, shaking his head. He still can't do it, still can't say what Daniel needed to hear. Even in the last second. Not that it would matter. Too little, too late. Too bad.

Our eyes lock in an instant of consuming clarity, of aching, thwarted need too long denied. And now never, ever to be consummated. It's far too late for both us now. The ship has sailed and we're both left forever stranded on opposite shores.

My finger hovers over the button as we share the moment. Know a sudden, strange fusion of mingling understanding. He's been here, where I am right now. I watched him all those years ago, with his finger on another button. We come together at last, over the one thing we can finally claim we both have in common.

A mutual moment of genocide.

He did it without a moment's hesitation. While I watched. Flicked a switch, condemned thousands of innocents. Sealed the fates of people who'd trusted him, people who'd helped him - saved him, people who'd served by his side and called him friend. Consigned them all to oblivion with no more thought or consideration than I'm about to use in sending those millions of faceless souls beneath us on their way.

At least I didn't lie to them and make them believe in me before I blew them up.

He can damned well stand there and watch me do it. Fair is fair, after all. He's got no grounds to judge me. He hasn't got a shred of moral superiority to stand on. He knows it. Besides, I'm about to go him one better. His one bid for acceptance into the mass murderer fraternity got called on account of Ra. His bomb only got one for the price of five thousand. Maybe he shot a big blank, but I'm not only loaded, I'm fully functional.

I don't expect any form of divine intervention to interfere with my consummation.

I break our connection as I push the button, my entire focus on the screen before me.

"System is firing," my lead tech announces. Pristine fire lances from the heavens, my divine coup de foudre descending swiftly to cleanse the mundane earth and clear my path. An incendiary flower blossoms where Moscow used to be.

"Target has been eliminated."

So. I did it. Blew them all away. Poof. That's all she wrote. The fat lady can start singing any time now. Somehow, I feel strangely disappointed. I just killed a couple of million people with the touch of a button and it wasn't nearly as much fun as I thought it was going to be.

Bummer.

Strangely anti-climactic after all the foreplay. I was hoping for a much bigger bang.

I turn my eyes to the man standing in front of me. So, there it is. It's done. Over. My grand concerto, played out to the last, sweet note, exactly as I planned it. Now, in my moment of triumph, as we watch Moscow burn, are you finally going to give me what I want, Jack?

What I said before, about sticking it to the world for sticking it to DAN-iel? It's a nice fringe benefit and I'm definitely going to enjoy collecting it, but it wasn't the first item on my personal agenda. One of my motivations, but not the only one. Or the real one. Not what I've really wanted all along.

What do I really want, Jack? I want you to give it to me. What you've always wanted to give to me. How little use you've always had for me. Your hate. Your loathing. Give it all up to me and give it to me now. I want you to finally be honest with me and let me see how much you despise me. DAN-iel worked for years to earn your love, never suspecting the truth. He tried, he gave you everything, but he never clued in it didn't matter what he did. Whatever it was it would never be good enough, never been enough to earn your simple respect, never mind your love.

I'm not DAN-iel. I'm Doctor Jackson and I know what he could never face. The truth is a bitch, but there's no getting away from it. And the truth is the best we can ever hope to get from you is your contempt.

Well, I want it now. I've worked hard for it; I've earned it. I want what's due me. That's what this is all about. I've done all of this for you. So you can give me everything I've got coming to me. I want to see your disgust, your loathing, want to see just how low I've fallen in your estimation.

I'm the vilest creature on the planet. Everything you despise. HATE ME! Show me how right I've always been about myself! GIVE me what you OWE me!

Sadness in his eyes. Regret. Not hate. Not what I want to see. Pity? Where do you get off - who the hell are you to pity ME? Not playing by the rules, Jack - not playing fair! I did what you wanted, lived up to all your worst expectations, did my part - now you have to give!

Turning away, he's turning away from me! BASTARD! You can't DO this to me! I offered you the chance to save a world and it wasn't enough to earn me your love so give me my due for having the will to destroy it!

Where's the payoff, what's the point - don't - don't leave me like this! I need you - I - I -- Don't leave --

It's all for nothing without you. I'm nothing - without you.

I can't hear the music anymore.

// The music does not play the musician. //

Normally, there is truth in that? But not - not this time.

Oh God - what have I done? I must have been insane! I - I never wanted any of this - never believed any of this. Don't think he - don't want - this isn't me - isn't what I - I would NEVER do this! This isn't me!

Oh God - and yet it is. It has to be! I'm here - I've done it. This is some kind of bad dream - a nightmare. Can't be happening! Sam, Teal'c - the things I said to them - did to them. Jack -- Oh God, all those people --

What have I done?

My own words ring in my ears as the truth reverberates soundlessly in the echoing emptiness within me. Crap. I've been played for a fool. The great and powerful Doctor Jackson? Biggest big shot on the planet? Vilest creature going? Contender for Goa'uld of the year?

I don't even rate an honourable mention. Architect of all I survey? The Maestro? I wish. No such luck. I'm not even the musician. I'm an empty, hollow reed, inconsequential, a mere conduit, simply the means to an end. A pathetic little collection of paltry grievances and faintly sputtering woes lied to, seduced and lured onto the shoals of my own ruination by the siren song I thought I was the master of. Tricked into thinking I composing the concerto when all the while I was merely doing a mindless buck and wing to the melody of another's orchestration.

The unsuspecting dupe of a far more powerful and sinister will and agenda. Played up to until I was all played out.

I'm nothing but a broken whistle with delusions of grandeur. Used to perform the entire, sick symphony from the opening strains to the last, discordant note and then cast aside. What, no encore? Bravo! Show's over. Nothing more to see here. The only accomplishment I can claim as my very own with indisputable pride and certainty, is all my critics to the contrary, I've forever removed any doubt I can carry a tune.

* * *

JACK

I slouch sullenly against the console in the control room. Hammond took one look at my stony face, après Janet's suggestion I find someplace else to be other than under her feet in the Infirmary, and wisely didn't insist I accompany him to greet our 'guest'. Carter and Teal'c are rolling out the SGC welcome wagon right now. It's that Aldwin guy. I remember him. He's the one who wrote us off for dead on Netu. Oh, joy. Can't wait to renew our acquaintance.

I watch Carter do the meet and greet and thing. Daniel's thing. Cannot watch this mockery for another minute. Hope Carter has better luck with Aldwin than she did with Shifu. The kid is three for three, so far, though Carter didn't limp out minus a goodly portion of self-respect not at all balanced up by a shit load of unlooked for and furiously resented self-knowledge.

As the SFs scatter from my path I realise the bad news has spread. Colonel O'Neill is in that whole other realm of Not Happy. Lock down the breakables and keep a respectful distance. Sorry guys. Another galaxy isn't respectful enough, mood I'm in.

My subconscious must have some kind of masochistic streak. It's leading my unwilling feet in a bee line straight for the Infirmary and Daniel. I should have swung a left for my office and instead I'm in the elevator punching twenty one.

Glutton for punishment.

I sidle in through the entrance and no, I'm not gonna sneak past the Chief Medical Officer. She's with Daniel right now. I stroll over and stand beside her.

"Still nothing?" One hundred percent sure this is a rhetorical question, but, even knowing it could get me booted straight back out the Infirmary door, the inner masochist just can't leave it alone.

"No. There's nothing physically wrong with him, or at least anything I can find."

"Except for the fact that he's in a COMA." It's out before I can stop it.

"It's not really a coma," Janet explains patiently, for maybe the twentieth time today, "he still has rapid eye movement."

Janet, putting aside for JUST a moment the fact I'm known the galaxy over for being dense, I mean, it may be just me, but if it looks like a coma, acts like a coma, feels like a coma, it goddamn well IS a coma. Get over it and more importantly, FIX it.

I shrug her off and walk away without another word since I suspect the next word will be from her and it will be 'leave'. I'm too tired to make nice and get back in her good books.

* * *

When I reach the briefing room, punctual to the second, the general gives me a hard look. Okay. Hands up. Just call me - irresponsible. I do NOT trust these Goa'uld-Lite boys any more than I trust the snakes themselves. Less in some cases. We're nursing these vipers to our bosom, in spite of the fact they've already bit. More than once.

I slump into a chair next to Teal'c and turn my head to watch Aldwin.

"The fact is, he may not be the Harsesis at all."

I'm still watching him as he walks back over to the table and sits next to Carter. I like a healthy dose of scepticism as much as the next man, but that whole tornado thing? The riddles? Dead giveaway this kid has been spending quality time with Mother Nature herself. The question isn't whether he is the Harsesis or not, the question is what we do about neutralising the threat he represents.

"Are you saying this could be some sort of Goa'uld trick?" Hammond asks.

"As we have seen, General Hammond, the Goa'uld are not above using human children as weapons," Teal'c answers calmly.

Thank you! Glad I'm not the only one seeing the potential threat here. Teal'c should know, we all should know, this one has hit us all close to home at one point or another. Charlie, Ryac, Cassie: all used against us in differing ways by the Goa'uld and other enemies.

"Well, all Shifu would say is that he is teaching Daniel," Carter fills in the general and snakeboy.

I know she gave it her best shot and then some, and still she got nothing. We're no further ahead than we were. "So? What do we do?" I ask, shrugging and raising helpless hands. If I had any answers, I'd have used 'em by now.

"As you know the zatarc detector's original purpose was to detect deception," Aldwin says.

As I KNOW? Is he being sarcastic? Am I ever frigging likely to forget one of the lowest of low ebbs in the whole of my life? It ain't malingering in my conscience for the entertainment value.

"We could at the very least determine whether the boy is actually Harsesis and possibly what he did to Dr. Jackson."

Oh, that's right, throw the dumb Tau'ri a bone, whydontcha? Like that wasn't a palpable afterthought and you're not hoping whatever he did to Daniel you can learn to do it too. Bastards.

"Basically a lie detector test," Carter supplies helpfully for the hard of thinking.

"No harm would come to him," Aldwin assures us. Missing the point completely.

"And what? Just hope he doesn't explode in the meantime?" I'm withering. Daniel's been ATTACKED and this bothers precisely no one? Maybe I should fall into line with the others, make like an ostrich. I'm not good at standing idly by and hoping the worst doesn't come to pass. If Shifu does blow up in our faces, will anybody at this table be able to say honestly we did everything we could to prevent it?

I brought Shifu here and look what he already did to Daniel. And that's not even touching what he did to me, helping me set up shop in my own little personal slice of emotional hell. If the lesson Shifu is teaching Daniel is ANYTHING like the one he got me to learn, we'll be picking up tiny bleeding pieces for months to come.

"Hope he really is who he says he is," Aldwin replies.

Not like you've got a hidden agenda, or anything, is it? The Tok'ra want their weapon. They want their weapon full stop, no matter what it takes, no matter who has to be hurt, riding right over anybody in their path. I roll my eyes at Hammond, letting him see the disdain I can't choke down.

"And maybe help Dr. Jackson," the general suggests quietly.

Aldwin gives a tiny nod.

I grimace. Real subtle. They'll help Daniel, all right. Sure they'll get round to him in the fullness of time. Providing they've got nothing more important to do crops up in the meantime. Like tidying out a sock drawer or something.

* * *

DANIEL

It's so dark. So quiet. Silence of the grave kind of quiet. No such luck. That would be way too easy. I'm not dead. Can't be dead. It hurts too much.

I don't know where I am, only know I'm not where I was before. I'm not WHO I was before, but who am I now? That's a good question. Wish I had an answer.

// Daniel. //

What? Someone calling me? Calling me - calling me Daniel. Daniel. I'm Daniel. Daniel.

// Daniel. //

What? What is it? What do you want? Who's calling? The voice is so familiar, like a bell, ringing inside me, but I can't place it. The pain is receding a little. It's getting easier to be, not hurting as much to remember. Remember.

Dreaming. It was all a dream. Shifu, touched me - did something. Not real. A dream. Felt so real. So real. God - the things I did - thought -felt. Oh God - what AM I?

Dreams teach. That's what Shifu said. He tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen. Wouldn't understand what would really happen to him if he let me use him the way I was planning to. What would happen to ANYONE who tried to dance with the devil thinking he would be able to lead. So he had no other choice. He showed me.

Oh, Sha'uri, I'm so sorry. The only thing you EVER asked of me, and I failed you. You asked me to promise to SAVE him from what I just went through. How could I have been so blind? You lived in the heart of that darkness for three years. Had to deal with having that obscene evil in your mind with no relief or surcease. You knew what would happen to your child if anyone tried to use him - tried to make him dip into that pit of seething evil. Total, absolute, utter, corruption. Not only of the vessel, but of anyone who tried to exploit it as well. You wanted to spare him from having to endure the same horror you did. Wanted to save him. That's why you told me what he was - not so I would use him, but so I would know why I had to make sure he COULDN'T be used. By anyone. You trusted me with your CHILD. I failed you.

Of course you wanted to spare him this! You were his mother. You loved him - how could you not have? He was your child, no matter how he was made. He was yours, he was you. Is you.

He's the living proof of your goodness. That your spirit was strong, loving; defiantly uncorrupted to the very end. You gave your life for him, used your last moments to reach out to me, trusting I would love him and protect him for you, knowing you no longer could.

And all I could think of was how I could use him to further my own selfish, selfish ends. Twisting your good intentions to suit my own agenda. Seeing him only as an instrument of my own need for personal vengeance. No matter how I tried to wrap the whole thing up in my 'it's for the good of the world' justifications.

Lies. The whole thing was a big, fat lie. Even me telling Shifu I was fighting the good fight as a way of honouring you. Another big fat lie.

Seems I've been lying to myself about a lot of things for a very long time. Starting from the first moment I ever imagined I was worthy of someone as wonderful as Sha'uri. A moment in time, a single decision, a path chosen, a path not taken --

// Daniel. //

There it is again. The voice. Coming from the light, up ahead of me. Strange, wasn't there before, but there's definitely a light. Big light, getting stronger. Pool of light. Drawing me closer.

Looks like the Stargate. Oh, how Jungian. Well, I shouldn't be surprised my subconscious should be bringing me full circle. Right back to the circle starting all of this in the first place. My own personal circle of woe.

Guess if you want to be strictly accurate everything that's happened in the past four years is all my fault. If I hadn't been so damned smart and figured the damned thing out --

But I was. I did. It's done. I went through, and now it's calling to me again. The circle, and someone standing within the sphere of its illumination. There is someone there, I can just make out the figure. But can't see who it is.

// Daniel. //

Calling to me. They're calling to me. A hand, reaching out toward me. Want to reach back, take it, but suddenly --

No. I - I can't. I know what you want but you don't understand. I'm not - I'm not what you think I am. Not - not worthy of you. Not worthy of this. I should have the first time, but, but I didn't and it's too late. Too late now.

I failed to honour her before, the whole time I was telling myself I was, but I won't fail her now. Won't betray her by betraying what she purely gave to me, even when I didn't deserve it. Shouldn't have - shouldn't have taken it.

I can't have you. I'm sorry. I'm going to have to find another way. The path not taken is barred to me by my failure to be worthy of the alternative.

So sorry.

I turn away from the light, making myself forget the face I just looked into.

"Doctor Jackson?"

"DANIEL!" I cry, the vehemence of my denial shocking me back to full awareness. "I'm Daniel!"

I open my eyes to see myself looking into Janet's slightly startled, but vastly relieved face.

"Welcome back, Daniel," she smiles warmly at me. "You gave us quite a scare." Her expressive, dark eyes fill with sudden concern. "Are you all right?" she asks gently.

I'm confused, then realise my face is wet. Her eyes follow the track of a tear I feel trickling down my cheek and I hurriedly eradicate the evidence of its existence with a self-conscious brush of my hand.

"Fine", I say gruffly, sitting up quickly. "I'm fine." I look down at myself. Hospital scrubs. Damn.

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that," she soothes, putting a gentle but firm hand on my shoulder, trying to push me back down onto the bed.

"No," I say, a little too forcefully as I push her hand away. "I have to go to Shifu. I need my - my clothes. Where are my clothes?"

I do. I have to go. Now. Don't know how I know, I just do. I don't want to get pushy with you, Janet, but I will get up and walk out of here dressed like this if I have to.

After what I just 'lived' through my personal dignity is the very last thing on my mind. Making sure that boy is not harmed in any way is all that matters.

She sees the determination and desperation in my expression and doesn't try and fight me.

Good plan, Doc. Now point me to my clothes, please.

I make short work of getting dressed. Janet fills me in on what's been going on while I've been 'dreaming'. Tells me what they're doing to Shifu right now.

Over my dead body. Not that I don't think, after what I just experienced, Shifu can't take care of himself. But still, I'm going to make tracks and get down there fast. Just in case.

From the looks of things my Doctor is coming along for the ride. Whatever.

It's very strange and disorienting, walking through the halls of the SGC once more. Feels as if I haven't been here in a long time. Like I've been away forever. I'm still in a bit of a Twilight Zone state, some last, lingering residuals of the dream I just woke up from, but the more I keep my thoughts focussed in the here and now and most specifically on Shifu, the more I am feeling like ME again.

Good ole, dumb -- Daniel.

Funny, Doctor Jackson had the hissy fit to end all hissy fits at the expense of the entire world because he told himself he was avenging every wrong ever done to Daniel, but the sad truth was he hated me every bit as much as he imagined everyone else did. Had no more use for DAN-iel than he had for every other 'idiot' he stepped on and over on his relentless climb to the top.

While I'm not fond of the good Doctor either, I'm hopefully going to be a little smarter than he was. Hopefully. For while I don't like him much, I'm not going to make the mistake of hating him. Or trying to pretend he doesn't exist. I'm going to try and learn from his mistakes. And take a good hard look at some of the things he showed me about myself.

Most particularly the things he showed me about how I've been letting some unresolved issues with the people closest to me fester inside me unexamined and unresolved for far too long.

For starters I owe Sam and Teal'c one HELL of an apology.

I hear Sam's voice as I approach the threshold .

"What did you do to Daniel?" she demands.

God! They've already got him in the chair, already started to use that THING on him! Have to stop this.

"Dreams sometimes teach," Shifu says confidently. " I am teaching him,"

Okay. He still looks okay. They haven't started to ask him any of the bad stuff yet. Not too late.

"Teaching him what?" Sam asks him.

"That the true nature of a man is determined in the battle between his conscious mind and his subconscious, and that the evil in my subconscious is too strong to resist."

Too strong for ANYONE to resist. Certainly too strong for Doctor Jackson to resist. For all he imagined he could be the master of the evil that enslaved HIM to it's own ends.

Shifu turns and smiles at me, welcoming me back.

"The only way to win is to deny it battle," I tell him solemnly.

I understand, now. I get it. I'm sorry I didn't understand before. Nothing like a visual aid to drive the lesson in. God --

Shifu bows. "As Oma teaches," he acknowledges with serene grace.

Janet has come in behind me, joining the others, bringing them up to speed. I'm not listening. My full attention is focussed on the child.

The miracle I'm seeing for the wonder he is. That and only that. For the very first time.

"One of these days I'm gonna figure out if she's worth listening to," I tell him with rueful regret as I walk up to him.

"What happened?" Sam asks me.

"I was having a dream," I tell her without looking at her. Can't. Not yet. Can't face any of them yet. Especially not -

"About what?" she presses.

Especially not Jack.

"That's not really important," I say quickly. Nothing to see here, Jack. Nothing you need to know about. Move on. "The important thing is it's time I chose a new path."

Got a bit of an idea about that. Not so much 'new' as the old one I was claiming I was on, when I really wasn't. Only this time, I'll be doing it for real.

"And it is time for me to continue on mine," Shifu tells me. A little sadly, maybe? Maybe not, maybe only wishful thinking.

"Wait a minute, if he really is Harsesis -- " the Tok'ra - Aldwin. Almost forgot he was here.

Forget it. You can't have him.

"He is," I tell him bluntly. For all the good it will do you.

"We can still extract some very valuable information from him," Aldwin insists.

"No, you can't," I assert. You can't. You won't. End of story.

You really, really can't. Any more than you can pour salt in pure water and hope to be able to drink the end result. Both substances are altered by the very act of combining them, and the new product resulting from the blend is quite unfit for human consumption.

Nothing good can come of what this boy has within him. Better for everyone it stays safely buried where it will never hurt anyone, especially the innocent burdened with it. I am profoundly grateful a being far wiser than myself has been his custodian and teacher. So grateful for everything she's done for him. For Sha'uri.

"I don't understand," Aldwin says blankly.

"I know," I answer softly. I didn't either. I do now. Take my word for it, you don't WANT to understand. Trust me on this one.

"Thank you for telling me of my mother," Shifu says with quiet, profound sincerity. Pretty much the way he says everything, actually. Which doesn't mean he doesn't mean every word, though.

"She would have been very proud of you."

I've never said a truer thing in my life. Very, very proud.

"Of you as well." Shifu tells me. He means well, saying that. Know he does. But he has no idea what he's saying.

Proud of me? I hardly think so. Not after the way I let her down, betrayed her misguided trust and faith in me and almost let them take you. Hurt you. I'd have done it, gone through with it if you hadn't - hadn't shown me the consequences of my 'good' intentions.

Consequences. God. What have I done? Proud of me? Sha'uri would have been better off without me in her life. If I hadn't stayed with her she'd be alive right now. They'd have buried the gate behind us, forever, and she'd be alive. Probably happily married, having babies. Little Abydonian babies with her wonderful, beautiful eyes and gentle, loving spirit. Alive, right now, this instant, living the life she should have lived, happy, content, Daniel Jackson only a distant, vague memory.

The way he should have stayed.

But then you wouldn't be here either, would you? So maybe - it wasn't ALL bad.

"Will I see you again?" I ask Shifu, wrenching my mind away from the pain of a past I can't undo.

"All roads eventually lead to the great path," he tells me with calm certainty.

"Eventually."

"Many cross on the way."

So maybe. Maybe some day. There's always hope. Isn't there?

I find myself less certain of this as I stand in the control room and see him ablaze before the event horizon. A small, regal figure in a nimbus of light even more impressive than the power of the brilliance he is about to give himself over to. Twin sources of light, both of them bottomless founts of mystery in their own rights.

I doubt very much we will ever fully comprehend the extent of either of them. Nor - should we.

Shifu leaves me with the memory of a dream and the weight of its lesson. I might not have the evil of the Goa'uld lurking in my subconscious, but as I once was told and glibly failed to comprehend, I do indeed have my own burdens. Such evil as Daniel Jackson carries within might be small in comparison to the genetic memory of the Goa'uld, but it's more than sufficient for MY corruption. As I have so painfully seen.

The seeds the song played on were already planted. All the 'evil' I was given did was feed and nurture what was already inside me. Added fuel and focus to a pre-existent spark. Gave it something to sing about. I can't blame it for everything. Can't blame it for anything. Because in the end I was the one who took it all the way and made the choice to press that button.

Me. Daniel Jackson.

I'm going to have to learn how to live with that. I'm not sure how, yet, but I do know it starts right here and now. I'll take the first steps on the path to finding the way to atone to Sha'uri for what I've done to her. This time I truly will honour her strength. Her life.

I WILL make her proud of me. If it takes me the rest of my life.

I turn away from the gate, my eyes sliding by the man at my side. Jack's been standing there, watching me. Damn. He's got that 'look' in his eye. The 'I smell a secret, something the kid's not telling me' expression which means I've got some grief coming in my future. My immediate future.

Please, Jack. Not now. Not so soon. Please, for once in your life, give me a break. Leave me alone and let me tell you what I want to tell you when I'm ready. In my own time. Please trust I will, and let me.

Please. Let me be.

* * *

JACK

I bound into the observation room a little late, but better late than never. It came pretty close. I'm not in the habit of neglecting my duty, but I've already had one completely miserable experience in this room and in that infernal machine. Already had my dignity shredded and my emotional life cut to pieces in public. Once was once too often, thanks, don't want to go through it again even vicariously.

Hammond gives me the exact same look Janet's been giving me since my first visit to the Infirmary. Pardon me for not rushing back here with open arms.

Ah. I see they've started the show without me. Aldwin is getting Shifu ready. I wish I knew what the hell was going to happen. I don't even know what I want him to say or be or do. If he's on the level, then this is torture of a minor in my simplistic book. If he's actively hostile, with what he knows, what he can do, the SGC could buy the farm at any moment.

If Shifu is on the level, I won't be able to hide behind him. I'll have to resolve this deadlock with Daniel, face up to the galling grief of wanting as my lover a man I've driven away from being my friend. Find the strength from somewhere not just to make the friendship right, but to let go. Let go of the past and the future, let go in Daniel. Trust in HIM.

If Shifu is the abomination his heredity predisposes him to be, then the things he made me face about myself, the self-knowledge he inflicted on me were an act of deliberate cruelty.

It doesn't really matter, not to me. Not now. It's gone too far. I'm fucked either way. Damned if I do, and doubly damned if I don't. Daniel doesn't want me, and I'm not strong enough to selflessly eat my heart out in silence. Something will - give. I will say or do something and it will end us, right there and then. Not a question of if. WHEN.

"This will hurt a little. After that I promise you will feel no pain. I will merely ask you some questions," Aldwin assures Shifu.

"Questions are plentiful. Answers are few," Shifu replies confidently.

"We'll try and keep it simple. Ready?"

Aldwin attaches the disk-thingy to Shifu's forehead and walks over to the machine, by Carter. Teal'c is just standing down there with them, observing proceedings and offering support with his usual majestic calm. Am I the only one thinking we may as well bend over and kiss our asses goodbye for all the tactical response we could muster if Shifu turns out to be a Trojan Horse?

"Direct your vision here. First question, what is your name?" Aldwin asks.

"Shifu."

"Are you Harsesis?"

Yeah, sure. Just cut to the chase, whydontcha? You even able to spell 'subtle'?

"I am many things," Shifu responds calmly.

It occurs to me this kind of answer may very well confuse the shit out of the machine. Shifu could tell the absolute truth, tell us every damn thing we want to know and because we're only capable of listening in incomprehension we won't know the difference. He can pass the test, tell us everything and leave us understanding nothing. Given my own track record in that contraption, I have to say that's pretty cool.

"Do you possess the genetic knowledge passed on to you by Apophis?"

Ask a straight question get a…

"Yes."

Straight answer? That's a first.

"What did you do to Daniel?" Carter pounces on the unexpected opening.

Good girl.

"Dreams sometimes teach. I am teaching him," Shifu being - Shifu. Again. Same old same old.

"Teaching him what?" Carter sounds as thwarted as I feel.

"That the true nature of a man is determined in the battle between his conscious mind and his subconscious, and that the evil in my subconscious is too strong to resist."

At that, he turns to the doorway. I follow his gaze.

DANIEL. Oh, Christ, oh, thank Christ, he's awake, he's up, on his feet, he's OKAY. The relief coursing through me is so profound I can hardly take in the solid reality of his presence.

"The only way to win is to deny it battle," Daniel says gravely.

Shifu bows to Daniel. "As Oma teaches."

"He woke up a few minutes ago." Janet's voice yanks me back to the here and now as she darts in between Hammond and I. Get a grip, O'Neill. Not the time or place to be coveting Daniel.

"One of these days I'm gonna figure out if she's worth listening to," Daniel comments dryly as he walks over to Shifu's side.

"What happened?" Carter asks, fascinated.

"I was having a dream," Daniel replies.

There's nothing and no one in that room for me now but Daniel. I stare and stare, avidly tracking every animate inch of him. I don't like what I see. Hands tucked deeply in pockets, NOT making a lot of eye contact. Body language shut down, defensive. NOT happy. Not happy at all.

"About what?"

I'll second that, Carter. Make him GIVE. Used to be a time when I would do that, but not now. It's a small grief, but his eyes haven't searched me out once. Was a time when he would look for me and to me first. First, last and foremost. A time that's passed now. Another tie between us I've wilfully severed.

"That's not really important. The - important thing - is it's time I chose a new path." Daniel is dancing around the issue.

Not really important? I'm getting a GOOD look at his face for the first time, and I think he's just lied through his teeth. Daniel looks like I feel, like he's lost that one solid thing to hang onto in a shaking universe. I can't bear to see him so sombre, his spirits so oppressed. Like the weight of the world is bearing down on him.

"And it is time for me to continue on mine," Shifu tells Daniel.

"Wait a minute, if he really is Harsesis…" Aldwin protests.

"He is," Daniel says flatly.

"We can still extract some very valuable information from him."

Extract, huh? Gloves coming off as the prize slips from your grasp, snakeboy? Guess there's a sell-by date on all that tender 'this won't hurt a bit' concern. Like I didn't see it coming. Ah, bite me.

"No, you can't."

Er, yeah, gotta believe the evidence of my own ears. That WAS Daniel, being God's own definition of authoritative. He does assertive, he does passionate, hell, he even does indignant. All adorable, Daniel style. That wasn't adorable. I look from him to the kid and back. Looks like papa's got himself a brand new bag. I guess Danny is looking like I feel because he feels like I feel. He's had an epiphany of his own while he was - dreaming.

Just a stab in the dark, here, but I'm guessing at no point did this epiphany suggest to him he should get naked and hurl himself at me ASAP. Or even bother to notice if I'm here.

"I don't understand."

Shocker. One of our snake friends not grasping the milk of human kindness as epitomised by the one and only Daniel Jackson.

"I know," Daniel informs him calmly.

"Thank you for telling me of my mother," Shifu says softly.

"She would have been very proud of you."

"Of you as well." Shifu still has that tiny smile playing around his lips.

I'm still staring at Daniel, of course, so I see the moment his guard slips. See and ache for his unutterable desolation, a misery so profound it's clenching at MY gut. He doesn't agree with Shifu. Doesn't think Sha'uri, who loved him with all her heart and soul, would be proud of him. What happened to him? What's hurting him so? What possible 'lesson' could Daniel, my Daniel, have needed so badly the very learning of it leaves him in such pain?

"Will I see you again?"

"All roads eventually lead to the great path."

You'll see him again when you're dead. A cheery thought to keep you warm at night, all alone in that big, empty bed.

"Eventually."

Thank God, a little warmth there, a little of my Daniel peeking through the solemnity.

"Many cross on the way."

Better and better. That sounded like a promise to me, and Shifu has made Daniel smile. It's kinda embryonic, but it's there, for those with eyes to see. The sole exception in the room is sounding forth to Carter.

"What's going on? We're not just gonna let him leave?"

"I don't think we have a choice," Carter confirms.

My heart bleeds for snakeboy there. He's finally buying a clue he isn't controlling the agenda. However, I'm not putting money on the Tok'ra NOT beating the bushes to find the Harsesis now they know he's out there. Oma couldn't happen to a nicer nest of vipers.

Shifu is - I bite back an insane urge to yell, 'I'm melting, I'm melting!' - Shifu is evanescing into incandescently pure white light.

Daniel lets him get a safe distance, then bolts out after him with Carter and Teal'c in hot pursuit.

Part of me notes that Janet looks dazzled as I turn to Hammond. "General, I highly recommend you order all personnel to stand down and get the heck out of the way," I kinda order him.

"Are you sure, colonel?"

I don't blame him for trying to second guess, lives could be on the line here, lives he's responsible for. "The alternative might not be so pretty," I say emphatically, turning on my heel to follow Daniel. I pound along the corridor and catch sight of Teal'c bringing up the rear of the cavalcade. I guess I'm more motivated, 'cause I rapidly pass by both him and Carter to arrive in the control room right behind Daniel as he halts abruptly in front of the window. The gate is already open. Damn, wish we could do that.

"The Gate just opened, sir." Davis calls from the console.

At the event horizon, the light solidifies and Shifu waves at Daniel, smiling for a moment. Daniel waves back, his eyes never leaving the gate.

He hasn't looked at me once. I haven't STOPPED looking at him. Can't tear my eyes from his face. He's got something going on in there, something eating him alive. This isn't one of those classic Daniel stoic 'I'm not fine but I will be' moments. He manifestly ISN'T fine, in fact he's manifestly WRETCHED, not to say brooding. Thinking furiously about something, thinking about it over and over and over, trapped suffering beneath some leaden weight crushing down on his mind. On his SOUL.

I can't leave it. I can't leave HIM, not like this.

* * *

I hesitate at the doorway. Daniel is slumped at his desk, face shuttered, exhausted; brooding over the photograph of Sha'uri.

"Knock knock?" I say lightly, trying to cover for the fact I'm not at all sure of my welcome.

Daniel deliberately places the photograph back in its accustomed place, and only then does he acknowledge me. "Jack."

I smile and slouch over to the desk, hop up and sit next to him. He doesn't actually move away from me physically, but emotionally, spiritually I guess, we're worlds apart.

"How are you feeling?" I ask quietly, staring down into huge, wounded eyes.

"Fine," he says brusquely, looking down at his nervously dancing fingers. Stilling them.

"Fine? You don't LOOK fine." I keep my tone nice and even, no teasing, no irritation. Trying for soothing.

"Don't start with me, Jack!" he snaps. "If I say I'm fine, that's what I am."

And missing by a mile.

"Fine." I agree mildly. "Just concerned, here. You've been in a de facto coma for quite a while."

"A de facto coma?" Daniel asks in spite himself.

"You were in a coma, Janet just wouldn't admit it." I risk another smile, invite him to share the joke. I hate this wariness, hate seeing him sitting here so tense, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I let it drop, put him out of his misery. "So, about this dream - "

"I told you. Not important," he interrupts.

"Not important? So not important it's not even worth talking about?" I suggest.

"Not to you," he says coldly.

"Well, in that case, spill. It IS important to me. You're important to me," I contradict. "I hate to see you like this -- "

"Please!" Daniel snorts.

I frown. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means go back to your office where you won't have to see me like anything, Jack. Shouldn't be too difficult. You have a lot of recent experience on which to draw."

I'm not used to biting sarcasm from Daniel, though he's used to it from me. There isn't a whole hell of a lot I can say to that accusation, since to my eternal shame, it's true. I've avoided seeing him hurting because I've often been the one inflicting the hurt. I change my tack and go on the offensive again. "Well, what about your behaviour in the briefing, then?"

"What about it?"

"It was totally out of character, Daniel." Nothing. He's giving me nothing. I plough on regardless, feeling like my words are dropping into a vacuum for all the reaction I'm getting. "I kept expecting you to jump up and tear us all a new one for even SUGGESTING extracting Shifu's memories, never in a million years thought you'd be the one to go out and try to talk him into it. Thought I'd wandered into the Twilight Zone."

"Just let it be, Jack. I made a mistake. It's over now."

He sounds so weary. I'd like nothing more than to hug him but I'm terrified of what the proximity would do to me. My hormones are already insisting my blood should rally round the flag and just head south for an incursion into virgin territory.

I can't let it be. All I have are questions, no answers. "Why -"

"Just because for once I took YOUR position, because for once it was me saying it and not you, I'm suddenly the bad guy?"

The words tumble out in a strained voice barely recognisable as his, and before I can respond he gasps and pales, shooting me a stricken look. I grab him by the shoulders. "What! What the hell is hurting you, Daniel? Tell me!"

"You shouldn't hold me to a higher moral standard than you hold yourself to, Jack. It isn't fair, not to either of us. I'm not your picture in the attic. I'm not your get out of moral turpitude free card," he says in a bitter, rapid monotone.

"I don't!" It's my turn to gasp. I do, oh God, I do. I do exactly that.

"I can't win with you, Jack, and I'm tired of trying. I need a break."

"From me?" It tumbles out before I can stop it. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why don't I just put it up in neon lights? Desperate horny lovelorn.

Daniel is so agitated he doesn't even hear me. He frees himself with an impatient jerk of his shoulders and jumps up, pacing restlessly.

"SG-5 have an interesting assignment coming up. They've found a palace with inscriptions in a new Goa'uld dialect. They've asked me along and I want to take them up on it."

"They're shipping out tomorrow." I can't believe this. It's all so much worse than I was prepared for.

"Please, Jack. I just need some time, away from - from," he trails off.

I gotta look down for a moment. Away from me. Yeah. Got you the first time. Turning into Colonel Sensitive, here, letting this hurt my feelings. Hurt them this much. Not like I have any claim on him. He's not my personal property. Let go. Got to let go. When I look up and meet the weight of his anxiety, I smile, let him know it's okay. He relaxes infinitesimally. "A little time away from the crowds. To process. I understand. SG-1's loss and all that."

"Thank you," Daniel says simply.

"Just remember, you're never alone with a bedside MALP. Keep in touch."

Now he musters a smile. "I promise."

I nod, lightly, and leave him then. I can't wait to get away from the crowds too. To process the fact I don't have to let go. I've got nothing to hold on to.


	3. Chapter 3

JACK 

17:58 hours.  Can’t look TOO eager.  Slow to my usual ‘not being actively shot at’ slouch as I enter the control room to enjoy a cosy chat all alone with Dr Jackson - and the technical staff. 

Daniel has been off-world for two days and I think his time with SG-5 has done him the world of good.  Absence is DEFINITELY making his heart grow fonder.  He's been quite the little ray of sunshine our last few conversations.  
Letting him go, not giving him grief over it, best decision I’ve made about him for the longest time. 

Things are better between us.  WAY better.  We’ve opened the lines of communication.  I have the inclination and, for all his excitement over an apparently dizzying array of historical and technological marvels, Daniel has the time. 

I guess I was projecting my own anxieties onto him during our little contretemps in the office.  I mean, come on, this is DANIEL.  Sha’uri.  Shifu.  Coma.  Dream.  Our workload.  Life, the universe and everything.  Any and all of the above could knock a sensitive guy like Daniel for six. 

We’ve both had some time and a shit load of distance, to put it in perspective.  I put out a little feeler a call or so back about Sha’uri and he opened up.  No specifics, but I was right about his reaction to the ‘Sha’uri would be proud of him’ remark from Shifu.  I put him straight about it and that load has obviously been lightening every time we talk.  I’m feeling pretty good right now.  Not as good as Daniel with all those alien toys to play with, plus a little quality MALP time with his best bud, but pretty good nonetheless.  Maybe Shifu was right about this letting go stuff. 

As the iris opens, I stand waiting as patiently as possible for the signal to be established.  I miss his face.  I miss him, though I’m glad of the breather.  Had a chance to get my own balance back, had a chance to tentatively mend some fences with Teal’c – we’re being ‘careful’ right now - and to work on the friendship thing with Carter.  She’s loosening up, slow but sure. 

“Receiving transmission, sir.  It’s Dr Jackson.” 

I settle in front of the monitor, grinning all over my face.  Okay, I’m not THAT cool, not when Daniel is almost dancing with excitement in front of his camera. 

“Hey,” the greeting may be laconic but the hormones are going wild.  He’s – can’t believe I’m even thinking this, not about a guy, let alone my best friend – radiant, as the MALP camera dwells lovingly on his face. 

“Jack!” 

“Hello yourself,” I say more moderately.  Inside, I’m gloating.  He’s HAPPY to hear from me.  “Had a good day?” 

“Yeahsureyoubetcha,” he says brightly. 

Damn, but it’s good to see him so happy. 

“SG-5 treating you right?” I tease.  He’s got them wrapped around his little finger. 

“No,” he says promptly.  “They keep making me stop, to feed me.  How am I supposed to get any work done if they will INSIST on – “ 

“General Hammond is giving us the weekend off,” I interject hurriedly. 

“Oh,” he shrugs.  “Got any plans?” 

“Figured I’d just hang out,” I say lightly.  Gonna hang out with my navel and do some more of that quality contemplation stuff.  See if I can’t come up with a plan of action that will get Danny to be this nice to me when he’s on the same planet, and if I’m really lucky, in the same room. 

“Sam?” he asks sweetly. 

I shrug.  “Dunno.  Probably work on her bike  or the decay rate of something.” 

“Wanna bet?” Daniel asks softly, his face alight with mischief. 

“Bet?  An actual bet?  A ‘for real’ money kinda bet?” 

“Yep.  Willing to put your money where your mouth is, Jack?” Daniel challenges. 

He punctuates this comment by slowly licking his lower lip and the blood cells in my brain that should have been warning my olfactory senses to detect the presence of rodents pack up and head for more welcoming climes further south.  It comes as no shock to hear my own voice cheerfully agreeing.  “What do YOU think she’ll be doing?” 

“She’ll be planet-side with me, Jack,” he says confidently. 

“Okay.  I’ll take some of that action.”  Carter has a new part for her bike, and Siler has leave too.  Daniel’s ass is grass. 

“I’ll put you down for a hundred.” 

“Dollars?” 

He nods, grinning.  I give him the benefit of my best evil smirk.  He can’t see it his end but it’ll annoy him just to know it’s there, in my voice. “It’s a bet.  You’re going down, Dr Jackson.  I’m glad I got the weekend, gimme a chance to spend your money.” 

“Don’t gloat too soon, Jack.  They call me Spacemonkey ‘cause they pay me peanuts.” 

* * *

If Daniel hadn’t been so adamant he needed the break from me in the first place, if I hadn’t been so reluctant – okay, afraid – to push it, I would’ve knocked Carter on her ass on MY way to gate out to the palace to be with him. 

It’s – it’s not ALL bad.  I mean, he was thrilled to see me when he got back, was all excited over that place and wanting to share it with me.  I so wish I could’ve – he was so open, so certain I would understand and sympathise with his wonderment, and SHARE, and I had to knock him on his ass with the news about Barber. 

I don’t know.  I really don’t.  Why is always me taking away the good stuff from him? 

Every damn time he gets a taste of something wonderful and CLEAN, lets his guard down, lets himself relax and start to enjoy it, Life and I have to gang up and snatch it all away, PDQ.  For his own good, his own protection.  For my own peace of mind; my own convenience, more like.  Yeah, Dannyboy, you can do your thing just so long as it doesn’t get in the way of me doing mine or bore the shit out of me, in which case, kiss it goodbye, eat your heart out, we’re outta here.  You can pore over the 10 minutes of digital footage you shot of the meaning of life; I got a game to watch. 

Right. 

How does he still have the grace to persist and want to share it with me?  That has to be a good sign.  Right?  So I was wildly optimistic about the Daniel being nice to me in the same room thing.  Means nothing in the grand scheme of things. 

Getting pissy over Daniel brushing me off right after the briefing and heading off with Teal’c in close attendance, well, it’s pathetic.  He needs help with the translation.  Like he said.  Nothing personal.  Busy, busy, Jack.  I got nothing to contribute.  Understood.  Matter of fact.  Teal’c does.  That’s all.  Nothing sinister.  Daniel didn’t want or need Sam either and even though she obviously wanted a crack at that gizmo SHE didn’t take it personally.  Just smiled and said she was there if she was needed.  Teal’c promised to call her in that event. 

So it’s not just me Daniel isn’t – he’s NOT avoiding us.  Not both of us.  Carter hasn’t ticked him off.  I have, but he was past that.  It’s fine.  Fine.  I glance at my watch.  It’s also late.  He’s been at it since he got back.  Maybe I should check in?  Check on progress.  Check on Teal’c.  Lure Daniel along to the commissary for some pie and conversation.  Maybe stun him by sharing something with HIM.  Maybe let him in on the fact I’ve been telling myself not to believe my doing too little far too goddamn late did nothing but spur Barber on to find that little turn of speed which took him into the activating wormhole right in front of me.  I don’t do the TALKING thing so often he wouldn’t listen if I started now. 

Well, Mohammed ain’t gonna come to this particular mountain, so this mountain is gonna have to get up off his ass and go up there to Mohammed.  As I stroll along to the elevator I have to thank a lifetime in the military for the stony ‘give nothing away, who me?’ face I’ve perfected over the years.  All Daniel will see is – Jack. 

Not Jack eating his heart out over you, not Jack imagining you naked and OPEN in his arms, not Jack slowly driven mad with the wanting and not having.  All I’ll let you see until YOU start looking for more.  And I think you will look for more, when you’re ready.  Think - think you have looked for more, in the past.  I wasn’t ready.  Ready and waiting now.  Waiting for you.  Wait as long as it takes to rebuild that trust, for you to feel safe and let go too. 

I’ve walked this path from my office to Daniel’s office so often over the years I think I could do it blindfold.  His door is always open.  If you’ve got time for Daniel he has time for you.  Everyone is welcome here.  As I round the doorway I see Teal’c typing at Daniel’s computer. 

Daniel is – pretty impatient there, huh?  Don’t knock me down on the way past, ‘kay?  Might feel unwanted.  Daniel?  Hello?  Am I in the room here?  Little acknowledgement wouldn’t hurt, let me know I’m even half as interesting as that book you’re dissecting for answers it clearly can’t give. 

“Hey. Whatcha watching?”  I ask Teal’c.  Definitely the softer option at the present time.  My gaze sidles past Teal’c before he can even answer, drawn straight back to my own particular lodestone.  Daniel… 

”A digital recording,” Teal’c begins. 

Fine. 

Daniel is NOT himself.  Every movement is taut, vehement, as he snaps the book shut and stalks over to the bookcase. 

”I am endeavouring to translate the Goa'uld writings of which Daniel Jackson has spoken.” 

Daniel is adorable, in fact he’s irresistibly cute when he gets indignant.  He’s not indignant now.  He’s not adorable.  He’s got an edge to him I haven’t seen before and which I don’t like one bit.  I’m trying to concentrate on Teal’c but the storm cloud gathering behind me is consuming my interest.  I’m tensing up too, looking back constantly over my shoulder. 

Um. Where were we? “How goes the endeavouring?” 

”Upon a second viewing, I have discovered a figure moving in the background.” 

Daniel storms back over to his desk as Teal’c turns the monitor toward me.  I’ve only got eyes for Daniel.  Gotta force myself to do my job, but I’m on the alert as he restlessly paces back over to his workbench.  He can’t be still for a moment.  Is it Barber?  Is that what’s eating him?  They weren’t all that close.  He was rattled but not – he didn’t SEE it, not like Carter and me. 

“It does not appear to be one of our personnel.” 

Daniel slams the book down, making both Teal’c and I pause and – assess.  Daniel snatches up the gizmo and glares at it, trying to wrest answers from it by sheer force of concentrated attention.  We keep looking and assessing him, like he’s going to go off in our faces. 

”Uh, he never mentioned anyone else.”  No point asking him, mood he’s in.  Get my head handed to me. 

”What is WRONG with this thing?” he snarls. 

I’m taken aback by the savage tone and I guess it shows. 

“This thing isn't working,” he confirms in a milder tone when he realises I’m watching him.  And disapproving. 

Lighten up, big guy.  Just a gizmo.  The fate of the world doesn’t depend on getting it to work.  It’s a minor inconvenience.  Put it in perspective, okay? ”Did you check the battery?” 

I’m not at all prepared for the – look – he gives me.  It’s not quite contempt, not quite, but so close it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference.  He’s pulling IQ on me.  He’s never – not Daniel. 

”I need to go back to the planet and figure out what's going on.” 

”Hammond suggested we do that tomorrow,” I say coolly.  I’m on his side.  He’s getting everything he needs so what’s the beef? 

”Well, this thing isn't working and tomorrow isn't good enough,” he insists. 

”Yes, it is,” I lay the law down.  This mood has nothing to do with Barber, this is about Daniel.  I’m not used to him being selfish.  Being like the rest of us.  I want to indulge his curiosity but this intensity is bordering on insult.  A little scientific frustration is nothing compared to the loss of a good man like Barber.  Daniel is usually the first to factor the human side of an equation, why stop now?  Why -- 

Jesus.  That – look.  Like – like I’m so utterly rigid and unimaginative, so dense, so lacking in empathy, what’s the point?  What the fuck is the point of the genius trying to make the dullard see what he can’t and won’t?  The dullard sees plenty.  Especially when the genius is broadcasting the disdain he doesn’t bother to put words to. 

”I'm gonna talk to Hammond.” 

Daniel turns his back and walks out on me.  Excuse me.  You were just getting around to the words, huh, so you could suit action to ‘em. 

“Hey!”  Nothing.  He doesn’t falter, doesn’t look back.  No point.  Got nothin’ here.  Nothing he wants or needs.  Or respects. 

I look at Teal’c, shrug helplessly and head off after him.  Hammond is NOT in the mood for archaeologists pitching fits in his office.  Gotta get in there and do some damage control. 

Daniel has never made me feel dumb in all the time I’ve known him.  Not once.  He’s never made me feel bad, not like Car – Damn.  Where’d that come from?  Shows how rattled I am.  She’d never \- I mean, she has, but not on purpose.  Just how she says stuff, sometimes.  Danny has never talked down to me.  He gets excited but he always explains so I understand.  He never assumes I don’t understand the idea, just knows I don’t always speak the language. 

At least, that’s what I thought. 

I know we haven’t got a single interest in common, but I’ve never thought it mattered.  We worked around it.  That look was – where the hell did that come from?  Guess I know where I stand.  HE worked around it, was just too kind to let on how little I had to offer.  Daniel indulges me, and maybe ‘Doctor Jackson’ has been indulging the Colonel too. 

Daniel isn’t in sight when I reach the elevator so I punch it and wait for the next one.  I’m being overly sensitive, right?  Being preternaturally aware of Daniel means I’m over analysing everything he says and does.  Reading subtext into the most ridiculous things.  He’s not in love with me; he’s not feeling what I’m feeling.  Got no hidden agenda.  I gotta accept that, stop projecting my own anxieties onto him.  He’s just tired, and overwrought and he got a little – careless is all. 

He’s tired and frustrated.  He’d never hurt me intentionally.  Never.  Certain of it. 

* * *

DANIEL

George is looking at me like I'm twelve and in serious need of a pat on the head and a nice lollipop to make me feel better.  Bad enough I get that kind of treatment from Jack on a regular basis but I thought the general - well - I heard him say I was a friend, once.  A close friend. 

You don't PATRONISE your friends. Don't make them feel like idiots - like they can't even tie their own shoes without your help. 

Don't make them feel like  -- crap. 

"Have you slept at all since you returned?" Hammond is asking me. 

What do you care?  You're not my father! 

"I fail to see what that has to do with anything," I snap at him.  None of your damned business.  I can take care of myself.  If I want to stay awake for forty eight hours, stand on my head and snort Kool-Aid that's my choice.  You've got nothing to say about it.  And neither do you, JACK.  Nobody asked you, either.  You can wipe that look of false concern off your face and go back to your other 'friends'.  Plenty more people out there more than happy to let you run their lives for them.  Figure you've done enough damage here, move on already. 

"SG-1 has been hard at it for weeks," George continues, making with the big daddy face and voice of concern.  "I'm not sending you anywhere until you've all had at least a night’s sleep." 

"I'm fine!"  The irritation in my voice is grating in my skull. My head is starting to ache.  Stop treating me like a child!  I don't want to lose it in front of this man but I swear to God -- 

Okay, okay, Daniel, calm down.  Jack is starting with 'the look'. You don't rein this in a bit you're going to have O'Neill on your ass, picking at you until he 'gets' whatever it is he thinks is going on out of you. 

I need that right now like I need another hole in my head.  Speaking of heads, mine is really starting to throb. 

"You're physically and mentally exhausted," George persists. I want to throw something at him; I'm getting so angry and frustrated. 

I try taking a shot at making with a more reasonable tone. "I admit I may have been pushing myself a BIT, but this device could hold the key to everything about that entire place and I can't make any more progress on it here."  Okay, maybe reasonable started segueing back into impassioned again, but I can't help it.   This is IMPORTANT!  Why can't they see that? 

Looks like George isn't buying it.  Next words out of his mouth pretty much confirm the hypothesis. 

"You're scheduled to leave tomorrow morning, one more day isn't going to make a difference." 

Idiot, idiot, idiot! How can you SAY that?  You don't even - you - since when is linguistics your field of expertise, GEORGE? What do you know about it?  Shit!  Starting - starting to lose control, I know it, I know it,  know I shouldn't but he's just so --  I can't seem to make him understand.  All of them - they NEVER understand!   Never LISTEN to me! 

"I'm telling you it is!"  I snap at him.  Don't tell me I don't know my own goddamned business!  I know what I'm talking about!  How dare you question my judgement you - you - pen-pushing bureaucrat! 

"Thank you for your time, Sir," Jack interrupts curtly, giving me one of his warning looks and taking an abrupt step toward me. What are you gonna do, tough guy?  Spank me? 

THANK you - Jack!  Big help, PAL.  Once again, thanks for the faith and support.  The rousing show of non-confidence.  Thanks for listening, thanks for backing me up. 

Take your 'look' and ram it where the sun don't shine.  Ram your 'concern' right up there with it, so it shouldn't be lonely. 

And as for YOU, George -- 

"You know it is beyond my comprehension how anybody like yourself who has so much power can miss the point entirely!" 

I'm not sure exactly what I'm saying, it's just all coming out of me.  Anger, frustration, boiling and shooting out the top of my head.  Which is pounding with the sound of my blood pulsing through my skull, almost to the point where I can't even hear my own thoughts. 

I don't even realize I've been shouting until I hear Jack yelling at me. 

"Hey!  Knock it off!" 

He's started toward me, but I can barely see him through the red haze of fury rising up within me.  I keep staring at Hammond, trying to focus, aware he's saying something, something about Barber.  I don't know, it doesn't matter, why is George talking about him now, the man's DEAD, not like we can do anything for him, and I don't really understand what he has to do with any of this either. 

George isn't listening to me.  Not paying any attention to me.  He cares more about a dead guy than he does about what stupid DAN-iel wants. 

I \- I have to get out of here.  I have no idea what I'm doing here.  What I'm thinking, what I'm saying. Just - have to leave. 

I turn on my heel and bolt from the room.   I'm a maelstrom of emotions, anger, confusion, frustration. I know I've just done something - said something I shouldn't have, but -- everything's just all jumbled up and rolling around inside my skull.  My head is still splitting.  Don't know where I am, where I'm going.  How I GOT here, even. 

I think I need to lie down for a minute, just let my head clear. 

Jack grabs me by the arm and whirls me around. 

"What the hell was that all about?" he hisses into my face.  "What were you thinking, saying something like that to the general?  What's the matter with you?  Are you off your NUT or something?" 

Oh, maybe not before, but I sure am now.  I go from confused to ballistic in less time than it takes me to say 'FUCK YOU'! 

"Get your hands off me, Jack!" I bite out the words at him between clenched teeth.  My voice is shaking with rage and so am I.  "Let go of me now, or I'll have you up on charges for assault.  I MEAN it!" 

His eyes widen with alarm and surprise.  He can see I'm not kidding.  He backs off immediately, hands held in the air in surrender. 

"Okay, okay, Daniel," he says quietly.  “Sorry.  Didn't mean to come on so strong, there.  It's just - you're - I mean - you're acting a little - off - ya know.  I'm concerned." 

"Don't be!"  I snarl back at him.  "I'm just being my normal 'odd' self.  You know - Daniel?  Sometimes he gets a little carried away, but he'll never do anything to - " 

I break off and rub my head.  Jack's looking at me blankly. He doesn't know what I'm talking about, doesn't remember -- 

Of course he doesn't.  How could he - he didn't - that was the dream, all in my head.  Jack - Jack never said those things about me.  Getting confused.  Wish my head would stop pounding. 

"Daniel," Jack says softly.  His face is white, almost scared looking.  "What is it?  What's wrong?  Whatever it is, I'm listening." 

That's just so damned funny and so damned not true I want to punch him in the face for daring to say it to me. 

"Are you?"  I sneer at him.  "Are you LISTENING, Jack?  If you are, it'll be a nice change, but somehow I doubt it very much.  When have you EVER listened to me?  When have you EVER heard anything I've ever said to you, except when I was saying what you wanted to hear?  You want to know when, Jack?  Do you?  Well, I'll tell you.  NEVER, that's when!" 

He's got this strange, pinched look in his eyes; his lips are set in a white, bloodless line.  I've seen that expression before, but can't - can't place it.  I don't get a chance to see much more of it, because he shakes off whatever it is making him look at me like that and shoots a quick glance around before starting to move toward me again. 

"Come on, Daniel," he starts to say to me, his voice sounding worn, somehow lifeless.  "Let's just - never mind.  You're tired; I'm tired.  How about I drive you home?" 

I can't.  I don't know why, but whatever is driving me, this fury, frustration, it's like it's got a mind of its own.  Like it's not even me talking any more as furious words spill out of me and hurl themselves at him with a will and a purpose independent of me. 

"Get the hell away from me!  And stop fucking telling me what to do!   I'll go home when I damned well feel like going home, and I'll get there on my own.  I don't need you planning my life for me, running my life for me - living through me for God's sakes!  I'm not your boy - not your goddamned PET!  And I'm not some lovesick, insecure major trying to wrap you around her little finger.   I don't NEED you, Jack!  You GETTING this, Colonel, sir?  Are you LISTENING now?” 

"Yeah," Jack says, his voice deadly calm, his eyes cold.  "You through? Or you want we should just keep yelling at each other in the hall, here, 'til every single person on the base knows our business?" 

I want to scream with frustration, and yet what he's just said is just so damned -- funny. 

"What does it matter where we do ‘this’?” I laugh weakly and shake my head.  "Even if I knew what the hell 'this' is - take a look around.  We're in a big, concrete, wired-for-picture-and-sound bubble.  No secrets here, Jack.  Sooner or later, everything comes out into the open.  Everybody knows what everybody is up to.  No such thing as it not needing to leave the room - wherever you are in this place." 

Jack takes a step back, mouth shutting in shock.  Ah, he didn't know I knew.  He does now.  Not that it matters.  Not that any of it matters.  Too late for any of it.  I can't get any of it back.  All gone.  All of it.  I can barely stand to look at him anymore. 

'Daniel \- I can explain," he gulps hastily, panic in his eyes.  I wave his words away as I rub my aching temples. 

"I don't care, Jack.  I really don't.  I'm tired of playing your games.  It's a no-win situation, no matter what I do, especially as you've been hedging your bets all this time.  I'm not going to let you play the 'who loves me best' game with me any more, not going to let you try and score Sam and me off each other.  I'm retiring from the lists.  You and Sam can get up to whatever you damned well please. I just don't care.  Leave me out of it.  I'm done." 

"Daniel \- I never meant - " 

"Then maybe it's time you started," I hold up my hand to stop him.  "Go home, Jack.  Take some time and figure it out for yourself. Find out what you 'mean'.  Don't bother talking to me again until you do." 

I turn and walk away from him, half expecting him to stop me.  He doesn't. 

I don't know whether to feel relieved or - or - like I've finally lost -- everything. 

* * *

I don't remember how I got home.  Only have a vague recollection of the events of the past few hours.  I know I was talking to Jack.  I know something terrible happened between us.  But the specifics, can't - can't seem to get at them. 

Not even sure if it's worth bothering to try. 

Barber's lucky. He's dead.  It's all over for Barber.  Wherever he is now, he's got no more worries.  No more pain, no more fear, no more loneliness, losses, regrets; no sick, cold, empty feeling inside him.  No nothing.  Nothing will ever hurt him again. 

Lucky. 

It'll be dawn soon.  I've been sitting out here on the balcony all night.  Nice night.  Warm.  Usually, I like sitting out here.  Listening to the street noises, looking up at the stars.  Now, it's all --  meaningless. 

What's the point? 

That is the point.  There is no point.  No point to anything, no meaning.  It doesn't mean a damned thing.  Everything I've done for him, everything I've tried to be for him - I don't mean a damned thing to him.  He let me walk away. For all he said he cared he let me go.  I tried, Jack, I really did.  But you never saw, never got it.  It's all gone. 

And now we'll never get it back. 

* * *

JACK

I don’t know about a wake-up call.  Daniel’s door is open.  He’s NOT that careless, not with all his journals in there, or his artefacts.  Or my vigorous lectures on security.  Shit.  Has he been burgled? 

I edge up to the door and cautiously press my face to the gap.  The hallway is long and the room dividers severely limit my field of vision.  It’s far from ideal, but I’m going to have to go in blind.  I open the door quietly and ease a little way down the hallway, checking everything in my line of sight.  Nothing seems to have been disturbed.  NOT burglars, thank God. 

“Daniel?” I call. 

He doesn’t answer.  The only thing disturbing the hush in the apartment is the irritating, plaintive beeping of Daniel’s phone, off the hook.  I walk over and nudge the handset gently.  His glasses and keys are beside it.  Carter was right: he did pick up.  He was ready to come out to work but changed his mind. 

He was desperate to get back to the palace yesterday.  Today he won’t even come to the mountain.  It’s me.  He’s avoiding ME.  That fight last night – I’ve never seen him so angry, so frustrated.  Heard him, I should say.  Of course, according to Daniel, I never hear him.  I never LISTEN.  Just one of the many mind games I play with my ‘pet’. 

I turn and head up the steps and across towards the kitchen.  There’s a half-eaten apple on the table.  Not exactly a hearty start to his day, but better than a solo caffeine fix.  The kettle is boiling wildly on the stove, the volume of steam suggesting it’s close to boiling dry. 

I turn then and look the length of the apartment.  The balcony door is open.  Why is my heart hammering?  It was just a fight.  Worst damn fight we ever had, but – dammit, he was angry.  Furious.  That’s all.  I got no cause for alarm here. 

I walk slowly to the open door and look out. 

CHRIST!  NO, Daniel! NO NO NO.  Not on the outside of the ledge.  NO.  Hang on, kid.  Just – hang on.  I’m here.  Here. 

I swallow hard.  What the fuck are you supposed to – don’t crowd them, that’s it.  Don’t startle him, don’t make him fucking jump out of his skin and off that balcony. 

”Daniel? What are you doing out here?” I ask gently, mildly, hovering in the doorway.  Truth is, after what passed between us last night, I’m shit scared to go near him. 

 // Get your hands off me, Jack.// 

”None of it means anything,” he says so softly I have to strain to hear him.  Desolate.  He sounds so lost.  So far from himself. 

”Daniel? Why - why,” I’m stammering, “don't you come inside here?” I don’t know what to DO.  Oh Christ, I’m as lost as he.  Mind blank.  Afraid.  So afraid I can taste it, metallic in my throat.  My heart is hammering, I'm icy cold.   I can’t lose Daniel, I can't, there's no point, there's nothing if I’m without him. 

”I tried. It just goes away.” 

I was lost too, I had the gun in my hand.  I was so close, I just wanted to let the pain go and avoid my guilt.  I was hating myself, hating the world for living when he died.  I was lost in that hate, that pain, every moment an eternity in that pain.  I couldn’t live with it but it brought me to you, it saved me.  So lost.  Found myself in you, lived for you, only you, always you.  Let me help: you can find your way in me.  I won’t burden you with my needs.  Just let me love you, give you what you need, want. 

”Okay. Then we'll get it back.” 

I’m sorry, Daniel, I’m sorry.   I love you and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.  Come back to me, forgive me. I didn’t MEAN to.  It's not your fault, it's mine, only mine.  I LOVE YOU.  I won’t leave you again, you’ll have to kill me to be rid of me.  I'll never leave you.  I LOVE you. 

”You can't get it back,” he’s deathly quiet and so terribly certain in his despair. 

I’ve loved you since I met you and I’ve made you suffer for all the time it’s taken me to admit it, burdened you with my inadequacy, my needs, my heartless self interest and jealousy.  Tied you to me and denied your love, your passion, denied you to anyone else, tried to hold you to me on my terms.  Never seen you for you only for me.  Mine.  My property.  Everything you said to me last night was true.  Mine.  I kept you dependent on me, left you to flounder when you needed me most, let Carter and Teal’c think you were a helpless innocent in need of constant protection and guarding so precious to all of us,so loved.  Daniel don’t you see that’s why we did it?  Selfish AND selfless.  We NEED you, wecan’t be without you, not now, not ever.  You filled the emptiness in all of us, your fire warms us all. 

”Wh \- whatever's wrong, we'll – we’ll fix it.” 

I can promise that.  I’ll never push you away again isolate you, cut you down.  Hurt you to keep you.  I’m sorry, so sorry.  I’ll let go, surrender myself to you, trust you, love you.  Even if I can’t be your lover, let me be your friend. 

”You don't even know what I'm talking about,” Daniel hangs his head, utterly defeated.  So close too close to the edge.  Can’t lose you. 

”No. No, I don't. But come inside.” 

I CAN promise you’ll have your friend, the one you miss so much, the one who hurt you so much and drove you to this.  The one who hates himself right now and is so afraid for you. 

Daniel?  He’s turning toward me, a single tear tracking down the face I can see for the first time, so pale so lost so confused. 

”Jack?” 

I’m by his side in a heartbeat, taking his arm in a crushing grip as he looks down and around.  He doesn’t know where he is or how he got there or why.  All he knows is ME.  Needs me, trusts me. 

”Yeah,” I’ve GOT you, not letting go!  You’re safe!  Just trust me a moment longer, hang in there until it’s safe to lift you over, until you’re calmer.  I’m calmer, thinking, not reacting.  I tighten my grip and dare to reach around my hand to pat his shoulder gently, hold him close to me when he doesn’t shake the hand off.  My eyes are dragged down to the concrete eight floors below us.  If he’d gone, if I’d lost him, I’d have gone too.  I can’t survive without him, not now, haven’t the strength to try. 

“Stay still, Daniel.  Gonna slide my arms around you and lift you onto the rail, then you can swing around to this side.  Trust me, I won’t let go, just trust me.” 

A tiny nod.  He’s too shocked to do this on his own; the thought of making him turn around out there to face me, his hands maybe slipping on the slick brass rail.  I slide my right arm around his waist and pull him back to my chest and he fits like he was meant to be there, the scent of his hair, the strands silken against my skin.  The rail is so high that there’s no danger I’ll be pulled off balance, so I ease my left arm around his waist now, lock my grip and lift him the couple inches needed to set his butt on the rail.  I pull him back so he can swing first his left leg and then his right over and drop down safe, and step back to give him room. 

I waste no time getting him to safety, pull him after me into the apartment and shut the door emphatically behind us.  Then I do what I haven’t done for so long that it makes him flinch away from me.  I take him in my arms and hold his trembling body close, needing to feel him alive and safe and with me.  He stares at me in silence, those huge, wounded eyes fixed on mine.  It hurts that he’s holding himself rigidly as far away from me as I’ll allow him to be.  It’s almost as if - as if he’s afraid to be this close to me.  He was angry when I grabbed him yesterday.  Angry.  I can live with him being mad at me, but how – he’s afraid to be near me.   This just can’t get any worse.  It can’t.  This has to be rock bottom.  It has to be. 

I’m supposed to be comforting him and I’m trembling as much as he is. 

“Jack?” 

I know that’s my cue to let go, that I’ve rocked him like a hurt child for too long, but fuck it, I don’t care what it looks like.  I’m keeping him close.  Safe.  And, oh, God, he feels so good here in my arms, where he belongs. 

“I’m sorry, Daniel.  I’m so sorry.  I didn’t need you to tell me – I KNOW what a shitty so-called friend I’ve been to you.  I won’t let it happen again, won’t let you down again.”  It’s all that it’s safe for me to say, but he needs to hear it. 

“Wh \- what?” he stammers. 

I frown and touch a gentle hand to his forehead.  He’s clammy, shivering, and his pulse is rapid.  A sure sign he’s going into shock.  I steer him over to the sofa and lay him down on it, too bewildered to protest as I elevate his legs.  Can’t even remember why you do that for shock just know that you do. 

“Stay put,” I order tersely and dash off to the bedroom to snatch up his quilt.  I settle the folds over him as gently as I ever tucked in Charlie, stroke my hand down his cheek and make for the phone and Janet.  I want help for him, ASAP. 

Suicide.  Daniel tried to commit suicide.  He tried to kill himself and it’s all because of me.  My fault.  Mine.  It’s way too long a wait for my shredded nerves before my call is put through to the Infirmary. 

“Infirmary.  Doctor Fraiser speaking.” 

“O’Neill.  I’m with Daniel.  He just – I just talked him down off a ledge.  He was ready to jump.  I don’t know what to do for him.” 

“How is he physically?” Janet asks brusquely. 

“Cold, clammy, confused as hell.  I got him wrapped up in a quilt, trying to keep him warm.” 

“Good.  He’s had a severe emotional trauma.  I want him under observation.  It’ll take too long for me to come to you.  You’ll have to bring him to me.  NOW, Colonel.” 

“Yes, ma’am.”  My heart isn’t in the sarcasm.  The problem isn’t physical; it isn’t mental.  Janet can’t do him any good and I’m not letting Mackenzie or his ilk anywhere NEAR Daniel.  The problem is emotional.  The problem is ME.  It’s something we – I can fix.  Whatever it takes to rebuild that trust between us, however long it takes. 

Won’t do him any good to rehash that stuff about my arrant emotional cowardice, will it?  I know he didn’t use those exact words but the long night I’ve just had staring at the railings of my observation platform taking that good hard look at myself helped me fill in those unspoken blanks.  And, yes, I am truly sorry about Carter.  I know it’s too late.  I know now just how much I’ve hurt him, and I’ve compounded the hurt by concealing the truth from him.  I can only admit that truth to him, the part of it he’s ready to hear, about why I did it. 

Trying real hard here not to let the guilt overwhelm me.  Don’t WANT to be thinking of myself, don’t want to wallow.  Daniel needs me to be thinking of him.  As I sit beside him I see his lashes are spiked with tears.  It makes my heart ache to see such anguish in his eyes, to know I’ve brought him this low.  I cup his strained face gently in my hands for a moment, just trying to let him know he’s not alone. 

“Jack.  Please,” he whispers, turning his cheek into the warmth of my hand, eyes never wavering from mine, pleading – pleading for what? 

“I’ve got you, Daniel.  You’re safe now.  Safe.” 

“Please.  Just – I need – don’t know what to do,” the soft words tumble out. 

“Don’t worry yourself over what happened, Daniel.  It’s over.  It’s finished.  I know what took you out on that ledge, and things between us will not be the same, I swear.  I’ll be a better friend to you.  Just let me in.  Let me help.” 

After a few more abortive, staccato attempts to tell me this thing eating him up inside, Daniel is so frustrated I hush him, promising we’ll talk later, and I understand.  Looking at his thwarted, desperate face, I’m swamped again by self-indulgent guilt.  Haven’t got the time. 

“Gonna get you to Janet.  Get you dressed and we’re outta here, okay?” 

He gives an exhausted nod.  I think he’s past the point of caring until his hand tentatively settles on mine. 

“Tired.  So tired – shut out –so alone.  No more.  No more.  Let me – please,” the aching need in his voice tears me up inside. 

“No more,” I promise, taking his hand tightly in mine.  “No more.”  I reach out and gently stroke his face again.  “I swear it, Daniel.  No more.” 

* * *

{All of SG-5 are dead.} 

He’s so still.  All those electrodes wired up to his head, all the machines whirring.  Proves just how fragile we are: skin and bone; will and joy; need and love.  All – all can be snatched away between one beat of a heart and the next. 

{We don’t know how much time he has left.} 

Not a de facto coma this time.  The real thing.  A DEEP coma.  Like that’s worse than an ordinary coma?  Not enough for him to have an ordinary coma?  Gotta go for the full meal deal and have a DEEP coma?  Just in case, you know, I had the faintest glimmer of a sliver of the slightest hope he’d live – live - live through this. 

[Spacemonkey!  YEAH.] 

I love him. 

// Get your hands off me, Jack!// 

I love a man who’s afraid to have me touch him. 

// I'm not your boy - not your goddamned PET!// 

A man I’ve treated shamefully for my own selfish needs.  I had a friend and that wasn’t enough.  I needed him to need and want only me, needed unconditional love and support from him.  A child’s unquestioning love that sees only the hero I so badly want to be and is blind to the faults that make me.  I got that love and support, unconditional though not unquestioning, and God help me, even that wasn’t enough.  He SAW.  He KNEW.  He loved me anyway.  God forgive me. 

// I don't NEED you, Jack!  You GETTING this, Colonel, sir?// 

When Charlie died, it took Daniel’s courage, strength and love to make me see I didn’t die with my son.  I’ll never forgive myself for Charlie dying, but Daniel showed me it was okay to forgive myself for living. 

I didn’t understand.  Not on Abydos.  Not that first time.  Didn’t understand that I hated Sha’uri.  She was a warm, brave and generous soul. I should have been proud to call her friend.  I wasn’t, nor was she my friend.  How could she be?  We both fell in love with the same man.  She was given as a gift to Daniel, but she claimed him.  I should never have let him stay.  I should have fought for him.  It twisted inside me, all that frustrated love and dependence.  Oh, yeah.  I depended on him.  Wasn’t man enough to admit it though. 

The return to Abydos was where I fixed our path.  I knew walking into the event horizon that I would die before I left Daniel again.  And I wouldn’t PERMIT him to leave me again.  I had all the comfort of orders on my side.  It was my right and my duty to bring him home with me.  I should have walked up to him in the gateroom on Abydos and hugged the shit out of him, like he deserved.  I made my choice there and then.  Shoved right past him to hug Skaara.  I hurt Daniel.  Kept right on hurting him.  Okay to love me, Dannyboy.  Just love me RIGHT.   Choose me and only me.  Need me.  Never leave me again. 

// I'm not going to let you play the 'who loves me best' game with me any more.// 

The charade got a little hard to swallow, huh?  Easy to rationalise my being the father by forcing you to be the son.  Left you bereft and adrift in the SGC, with Hammond on your back and the whole world clamouring for your expertise.  You were grief stricken and I left you to it.  Left you to flounder.  Let you sleep any place you could find on base that nobody else happened to be using at the time.  So of course when your lord and master finally deigned to take notice of you, you were – grateful.  Endearingly sweet and warm and loving as always.  So open to me, so giving.  So happy to have someone to share with again.  Hungry to keep it. 

Sorry.  So sorry I used that against you.  Let Carter and Teal’c think you were this sweet innocent little boy who needed all the care and protection we could muster.  Proved it to them over and over by keeping you in the dark, letting you stumble along working out the rules after you’d broken them.  Never explaining.  Never asking.  Impatient, dismissive.  Ignorant and condescending.  Papa Jack to your Dannyboy.  Everybody’s surrogate.  Not just to me.  Carter too, lost without her family.  My little boy, Carter’s little brother, the embodiment of Teal’c’s guilt and pain.  A most beloved son to Hammond.  Beloved of us all, Daniel. 

// I just don't care.  Leave me out of it.  I'm done.// 

Did you know, Daniel?  Did you ever really know that you were in love with me?  I guess my little stratagem with Carter worked beyond my wildest subconscious dreams, because you did play the ‘who loves me best’ game for me.  Gave me your all as always.  I fucked you over, as always.  I don’t think you ever knew you were in love, not even when you had to sit through that sordid tape to find out what was going on between Carter and I.  You were both in competition.  Yep.  Competing for my friendship?  No.  My love.  Once you had two sides of the triangle, easy to work out who made up the third, huh? 

Guess the bottom dropped out of your world right then. Had to bury it way down deep, unacknowledged, and keep a safe distance.  Didn’t let either one of us in on your little secret until I’d driven you so far away from me that you’d already given up. 

You’re going to die here, not knowing how dearly I love you, how much I need you.  The last words we shared were a naked plea for me to just let up on you. 

// Tired.  So tired – shut out –so alone.  No more.  No more.  Let me – please.// 

No more.  You got the wish of your heart, kid.  No more.  Haven’t got it in me to carry on without you.  If you die here, they’ll bury us both.  The best part of me goes with you.  Don’t think I can live with being that man again.  I can’t live denying life.  I can’t. 

I scrub my hands across my face, needing something – anything - to break this dreadful stillness where you’re supposed to be.  Waiting.  Just sitting here waiting for you to die.  Can’t do a goddamn thing to prevent it. 

Before I know it I’m on my feet at the end of Daniel’s bed, my eyes on his face.  Fixing it in my mind.  Like I did with Charlie.  One moment Daniel’s notes are in my hands, the next I’m slamming them down so hard everyone jumps.  I drop forward onto my elbows and bury my face, like I can hide from myself. 

”Colonel? Are you all right?” 

I turn to Janet’s oh so concerned and utterly pointless presence.  ”What kind of dumb-ass question is that? My friend is laying here on his deathbed.”  I don’t yell but she flinches like I did. 

“I'm fine.” We’re dying, here.  What the fuck does it matter how I’M feeling?  You can’t help him, so get OUTTA my face. 

”We're working on the problem, Sir.” 

The PROBLEM?  I see.  He’s so fucking far gone that he’s not DANIEL anymore, he’s the PROBLEM?  Gonna irritate you for weeks that you couldn’t get the fucker resolved in time, huh?  Hey, lighten up, Janet.  That’s what autopsies are for.  Just so you know it wasn’t YOUR fault.  YOU didn’t fuck up and kill him.  The little bastard wilfully died on you despite you putting forth your very best efforts in creatively doing fuck-all as sympathetically as possible.  Overwhelmed, here.  Sure ‘the problem’ appreciates your efforts too, and I know I speak for us both when I say just how dearly we value your clear medical conscience. 

”I DON'T WANT EXCUSES!” 

Good.  I made the useless bitch jump out of her skin.  Made her look for help.  She’s AFRAID.  She’s afraid of me even if she can’t manage to be afraid FOR Daniel. 

”Colonel O'Neill, if you don't calm down right now I will have you removed from my Infirmary, is that clear?” 

God, my head is pounding.  Splitting me open.  Just get the fuck away from me and Danny, I’ll be good as gold. 

”I'm fine.” 

Not.  Not fine.  I press my hand to my eye.  Got a blunt saw hacking through my brain to the back of my eye and Christ, I’m starting to cry.  I’m getting hysterical.  No.  NO.  Gotta be here for him.  Show some fucking backbone, man!  He needs that respect.  Gotta be strong for him. 

”Colonel, I'd like to recheck your dopamine levels.” 

One more word outta you and I SWEAR, I’m gonna – J-Janet?  No.  No.  Didn’t mean – not you.  Sorry, so sorry, not your fault.  Know that.  NEVER hurt you.  Know you’d do anything you could for Danny and more.  KNOW that.  So sorry.  Not like me, not -- ”It's happening to me isn't it?” 

Don’t take me away from Daniel.  Please don’t.  Not that.  Have to be here.  Have to be with him. 

”Let me find out, please.” 

I look to Daniel one more time before Janet leads me over to the next bed.  Thanks.  She busies herself doing tests but I’m not with her, don’t care.  Only Daniel matters.  So long as I’m with him.  I curl up on the bed, facing him, trying to fight back this crushing pain in my head by main force.  Gotta focus, stay with it.  Stay with him. I know the general is here, on my periphery.  Can’t see him.  See Daniel. 

”Whatever's causing this actually accelerates neural activity in the brain and causes a dopamine like effect in the body.” 

”Kinda like drugs,” hard to concentrate, but if there’s ANYTHING that might help him -- Have to try.  I’m all over the bed here, can’t lie still, curling up around this knot in my gut. 

”Only as long as you're on the planet. Shortly after you return neural activity begins to decrease and depression results. Blood-work confirms it.” 

”Does the boy carry any immunity that we could use to our advantage?” Hammond asks. 

”No. His blood-work came back the same. I don't think he'll be able to leave the planet without experiencing the same narcotic withdrawal symptoms.” 

”But Colonel O'Neill was only on that planet for a little over an hour!”  Hammond can’t believe it. 

”Yes, sir, this addiction appears to be almost instantaneous,” Janet confirms. 

”You're telling me I'm addicted to that place?”  That was what was wrong with Daniel.  Maybe – maybe what he said – no, not what, HOW he said it – maybe that was down to withdrawal too.  All that rage and despair, maybe the seeds were there, sure, but the intensity?  Maybe THAT wasn’t Daniel talking; maybe it was the addiction.  There’s hope.  Hope I can -- I can’t.  Not unless Janet keeps him alive. 

”The intensity of your mood swing into depression seems to be proportional to the time you spent on the planet. All we can do is hope your exposure wasn't long enough for your symptoms to get as bad as they did with Daniel and the others.” 

”Great. All those years of just saying no.”  I roll onto my back, desperately trying to find some spot where I can lie quiet and work past this pain.  Think. 

”Jack, I tried to recall Major Carter or Teal'c, they haven't responded and I can't risk sending another team.” 

Bleeping.  The machines.  JANET? 

I’m up, terror tearing through the pain barrier.  ”What's that?”  Christ.  Daniel.  NO.  Too soon.  Not ready.  No.  Janet?  DO something.  Anything. 

”His EEG is sporadic. This is exactly what happened to the members of SG5 before they died. Sir, you're gonna have to take him back to the planet.” 

WHAT?  That might – it could save him?  What the fuck are we waiting for?  MOVE MOVE MOVE. 

Janet summons help and the orderlies help her strip Daniel and put him into his uniform while I scramble into my jacket and hover.  She’s too busy to talk, never seen a man dressed with such ruthless speed and efficiency. 

It makes me feel a little better.  If Janet is worried about hypothermia, then surely – she HAS to think this will help.  This will DO.  Taking him back.  It has to work.  It MUST. 

When Daniel is lifted onto the gurney and all his machines settled in place, I drop in to the opposite side to Janet and we haul ass to the gateroom.  It’s just a blur of concrete walls, Daniel is all I see and his machines are all I hear. 

”Once you’re there, I'll need you to send me his vital signs every -- ” 

WHAT?  What’s going on?  I look from Janet to the monitor.  I can see his heartbeat snaking across the screen.  Numbers.  105/75. (81).  Flat.  The line is flattening – flat.  (0).  Gone.  He’s gone oh God oh God NO he’s gone JANET? 

“He's coding.  No time to resuscitate, let's GO!” 

Not too late not too late has to work HAS to. Janet pulls off the oxygen mask and I’m there, lifting Daniel onto my shoulder, turning, running like hell for the gate not too late Daniel stay with me STAY WITH ME –- 

I’ve no time for the disorientation of reintegration, run out into the palace gateroom and lower Daniel until his feet touch the floor, his weight still draped over me as I hold his waist, steady him. 

“DANIEL!” 

Lower him, cradling his head down to the floor. 

”DANIEL!" 

He’s sprawled beneath me. 

"Come ON!  Come ON! 

I fumble at his throat, God he has to be alive I CAN’T pulse got a pulse he’s alive ALIVE but no breath sounds. 

”DAN!  DANIEL!" 

I shake him frantically, cup his white face between my hands, smack him.  Can’t think straight what do I DO what WHAT?  Love you Danny stay with me STAY. 

I wrench my gaze from his face for a moment. 

"CARTER!  TEAL'C!" 

Where the fuck ARE you?  Danny needs HELP here!  Footsteps.  Loren.  Yes. He’ll know get them for me.  Soon Danny soon hang on. 

“Where are my friends?” 

I can’t keep my attention from Daniel for long but manage to glance up to Loren. 

”With the Light.” 

”Get them for me, will ya?” 

I gotta spell this out? I turn back to Daniel, leaning over him. 

”They won't come.” 

”Well TRY!” 

They fucking BETTER come getting HIGH while Daniel DIED right in front of us.  He was DEAD.  Dead.  ENOUGH! Enough now.  Stop.  I rock back on my heels.  Enough with the panic.  Does Daniel no good.  None.  Have to focus here do SOMETHING. 

Breathing.  He’s – he’s breathing.  Can hear.  Air wheezing in his chest.  Stirring. 

“Daniel!” 

I can’t stand it.  Can’t take it a moment longer.  Too close.  He was DEAD.  I lean over him and scoop him up into my arms, cradle him to me, rock him with all the pent up fury of relief. 

“Bastard.  You bastard.  Dying on me again.  DYING.”  My voice is shaking as hard as the rest of me, as hard as the hand that strokes his face with rough tenderness. 

His breathing is steadying.  A little colour coming back to his face. 

“Never again.  Don’t get to die on me EVER again, y’hear?  No more!  I love you, you – you – never again!  You GOT that?” 

I lean in and take his lips.  A gentle promise, no more, but he feels so good - so right - want this so much, need him so much --  waited so long - so AFRAID -- lost you love you need you WANT you. 

Lips parting beneath mine, sweet mouth opening to me falling into him holding him close to me loving him.  Tongue stroking urgently against his SAFE ALIVE his tongue against mine.  Back with me kissing me too moaning needing – 

Skin. Have to – to touch.  Hold.  I nudge up his T-shirt a little further and touch him.  Perfect.  He’s perfect. So beautiful.  He has no idea.  Ivory skin trembling against my shaking hand in shock after shock of silken warmth.  My hand curves down over his hip and rests as I take a deep breath and dive back into his willing mouth.  Long, slender thigh begging to be touched then I’m drawn irresistibly back to skin on skin.  My hand roams everywhere, caressing, massaging the smooth muscles as he arches into me, moaning. 

Lost in him need more of him all of him trembling hand sliding down now give him what he wants from me stroke him gently hold him massaging touch firm now sure feel him harden beneath my hand feels SO good wanted him too long need  - need – have to — please? 

"Danny, oh GOD!  Danny!  Love you -- " 

Awake.  Awake.  Thank God!  Love you, Danny. Love - 

"God!  What are you doing!" Daniel cries out and shoves at me hard.  "Get AWAY from me!" 

* * *

DANIEL

"Daniel!  Come on, Daniel!" 

The sound of Jack's voice draws me up from the pull of Sha'uri's dark, compelling eyes.  I turn away from her, look toward him, my vision abruptly dazzled by the contrast, the sudden shift in focus. 

I'm overwhelmed by the brightness of the Abydonian sun, streaming down upon him, the slanting rays bouncing off the gleaming limestone façade of the pyramid and dancing around him.  He looks like he's on fire as he stands there, bathed in brilliance, beckoning toward me. 

"Daniel!" he calls out to me again, giving a quick toss of his head toward the dark entrance of the pyramid.  The pyramid where Ferretti and Kawalsky are waiting for us. The pyramid where the Stargate is.  Jack waves at me, smiles at me, urges me to come forward into his light. 

"Danyiel," Sha'uri says sweetly as she snuggles closer into to my side.  "Come, my husband," she murmurs to me in Abydonian.  "We must go home.  My father will wish to honour you." 

"What?"  I know she's talking to me but I'm distracted, still looking at Jack.  She's speaking to me.  I should listen, I - I am listening just not quite hearing what she's saying.  What she's saying -- 

Husband.  Come home.  Home?  Earth - Earth is my home.  But she's my - they gave her to me - we haven't, but - but - stay?  HERE?  With Sha'uri? This is the first I - I hadn't even really thought - just - just assumed I was going home - with Jack - with the others and Jack. 

Stay \- stay HERE? 

Jack's looking at me, seeing my hesitation, my confusion.  He's looking at me, then looking past me, at Sha'uri, the smile on his face being replaced by a more troubled expression. He can't know what she just said to me but -- 

"Danyiel!" Sha'uri calls to me again, more strongly this time.  She takes hold of my chin and turns my head around.  “Husband!" 

Her eyes are dark, profound of meaning and emotion, compelling, irresistibly charged with the force of her will.  She wants me, she WILL have me, and tells me as much, not with words, but with the insistent power of her mouth as she pulls me down to her and devours the last of my indecision with her hungry, hot kiss. 

Not sweetness, not laden with the taste of surrender but lustful, wanton, possessive, demanding, invoking an answering lust within me I haven't felt -- 

She wants me.  I want her back.  Oh GOD, I want her back! With a passion I can scarcely believe myself capable of.  I crush her body to mine, answer her mouth on mine with equal hunger; I understand what she is telling me, not in words, but in a way I don't have the power or the will to deny. 

I'm home.  I'm staying.   She's made up my mind. 

Gasping and shaking I manage to swim back up from the depths of my desire. My head is reeling with the taste of her lips and the feel of her warm willingness pressing up against me, but somehow I manage to turn my head away and look behind me. 

Jack's no longer standing there.  Seems as if I wasn't the only one who got the message. 

* * *

"Are you sure you want to do this?"  Jack asks me as he stands by my side.  The lightly glowing circle of the Stargate is behind him.  The others have already passed through.  He's the last one. 

I was.  Mere moments ago there wasn't a shadow of a doubt in my mind, but the light - the way the gate shines on him - making something subtle in his eyes - something I didn't see the first time. 

The first time? 

What? 

Sadness. He's smiling at me, but not with his eyes. Doesn't want me to stay - wants me - wants me - too.   Can't say it, but he's asking me, begging me, it's suddenly so clear, why didn't I - how could I not have SEEN this but I didn't - didn't see.  Didn't see, didn't want to see I don't know, oh God, I didn't know, why didn't I SEE what he was trying to tell me? 

I don't know what to do. 

I turn back to look at Sha'uri only to find her beside me again.  Not - not the way it happened before: she was behind me, not here, beside me not - not touching me, kissing -- 

I feel like I'm falling, dropping into dizzying ecstasy while at the same time swooping, rushing up towards life, joy, the FEELINGS, warm, unbelievably sensual -- lips, moist, hungry, sucking, desperate, gasping, sobbing, tongue pulsing hotly inside my mouth, more feelings, hand on my stomach, roaming, stroking, pushing down upon me, feels so good the way it's touching me, want more, move up against it, into it, moaning, it trembles, moves lower, urgently touching, gripping, groans, not from me, rumbling through me, deep, low, urging -- 

"Danny, oh GOD!  Danny!  Love you --" 

JACK! 

Omigawd! Jack!  That's Jack's voice - Jack?  Who's kissing me? Someone's holding me, kissing, touching me - OH GOD!  JACK'S GOT HIS HAND ON MY - 

"God!  What are you doing!"  I cry out and shove him.  Hard. "Get AWAY from me!" 

I fall back as he gasps and lets go of me, the back of my head hitting something hard, the small shock of the impact propelling me into full awareness. 

I open my eyes.  What the hell? 

I'm \- I'm back on P4X-347, lying on the floor in front of the Stargate.  Oh man, this is - what's going on?  The last thing I remember I was -- oh no -- oh no -- I didn't REALLY say that to the general, did I? 

What's going on?  What am I doing here, and what the HELL is Jack doing KISSING me and feeling me up? 

I put a hand on my head to try and stop it from doing the very disorienting pendulum thing it's currently doing, which isn't doing a thing for my thought processes or my vision.  Which is presently not only out of focus but also double, meaning I'm looking at two very blurry Jack O'Neill’s with identical scared expressions on their matching faces. 

As if one wasn't bad enough. 

"Daniel," he says urgently, reaching toward me. 

"Don't touch me!"  I gasp quickly,  "Just - just stay where you are, Jack. I don't know what's going on, but -- " 

Oh, God, my head just did a roll, taking my stomach with it.  Gonna be \- gonna be sick. 

I squeeze my eyes shut and curl up, clutching my middle.  Hoping to hold it back.  Don't  -  don't want to be sick. 

"Danny \- Danny, what's the matter?"  Jack's voice, scared, close to me. Too close.  Too - too close.  Don't get so close.  Not yet.  I can't - can't have you HERE - right now. Too close, too real.  Too - too confusing.  I don't understand what's happening - I was on Abydos with Sha'uri and suddenly I'm here - I don't know how I got here and you - you were touching me, and it felt so good, felt right, didn't see, didn't understand I didn't choose - she chose ME.  No.  No.  I was kissing her - then kissing you - all this time should have been kissing you - made a mistake -- 

NO! 

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"  I scream at him and fling his hand away.  "Get AWAY from me!  Leave me alone!  Leave me alone - both of you!" 

Okay, okay, not going to be sick.  Head's still spinning but I'm not going to be sick.  Sitting up would be good.  Or…not.  Oh boy.  This is harder than it looks.  Try again. 

"Daniel \- Daniel, I'm - I'm sorry, I didn't mean - oh, crap!" Jack sounds like HE'S going to be sick.  Still too close. Way too close.  I can't - can't have him so close. 

"Go away!"  I groan, and thrust my arm at him to make him move away from me.  I hit him, hard somewhere, the chest I think.   He makes a strange sort of strangled sound, but I hear him move away.  Good, good.  He's finally listening.  I just need him to back off, just for a little while, let me get my head to stop - stop -- 

Something's wrong with me, something's happened.  Sam.  Maybe Sam can tell me - explain to me what's going on.  Sam.  Need Sam. 

"Sam!"  I gasp.  "Get -- go - go to Sam!  Leave me.  Get.  Sam!" 

That didn't come out quite right, but he seems to have understood me.  I open my eyes to see him standing over me, staring down at me, something, something wrong with his face, looks angry.  Must be - must be seeing things, wish I knew what was the matter with my head. 

Was Jack really KISSING me? Jack? 

"Why are you still here?"  I say as I look stupidly up at him.  I need him to go and get Sam for me.  I thought he understood.   "Why aren't you with Sam?" 

"Damned if I know!" he shouts at me and then stomps off. 

I think I'll give that sitting up thing another try. 

* * *

JACK

// Get AWAY from me!// 

Goddamn fucking sonovaBITCH! 

// Don't touch me!// 

No more!  Jesus.  That’s IT.  Never again. No way. 

// DON'T TOUCH ME!// 

Uh-uh.  Never laying a hand on him again.  Ever.  Not EVER. 

// Leave me alone!// 

I can take a HINT.  Not THAT dumb.  Not ever.  He decides he wants ME?  He can send me a goddamn memo.  In TRIPLICATE. 

// Go – go to Sam!  Leave me.// 

I DON’T WANT CARTER. 

// Why aren't you with Sam?// 

Fucked if I know!  At least she never punched me in the gut.  So I pushed it a LITTLE.  He was MOANING.  ARCHING.  I wanted – HE wanted -- 

CHRIST.  One minute it’s foreplay and the next it’s a felony! 

// I'm not some lovesick, insecure major trying to wrap you around her little finger.// 

Not gonna get past this, are we?  Forgive me anything else but NOT her. 

// I'm retiring from the lists.  You and Sam can get up to whatever you damned well please, I just don't care.  Leave me out of it.  I'm done.// 

What the – what can I DO to make you SEE?  There was no future!  None.  Not one that didn’t involve HER getting SG-1 while I got my pension.  She made THAT perfectly frigging clear.   Don’t let the door hit you on the butt on the way out.  Sir. 

It was NEVER about her!  It was about YOU! 

As I stalk towards the Light room, I see Loren loitering by the doorway.  The kid takes one look at my face and stammers out something about not being allowed to go in. 

“For God’s sake!” I growl, stalking past him in pursuit of my errant teammates.  Go for the short sharp shock.  They won’t thank me for it, later. 

// Let go of me now, or I'll have you up on charges for assault. I MEAN it!// 

“Carter!” 

Don’t YOU ignore me! 

// Trying to wrap you around her little finger.// 

I grab her, spin her around. Having a LOVELY time getting high while Daniel was DYING? Shake her.  Hard. 

// Not going to let you try and score Sam and me off each other.// 

“Carter! Wake up!” 

”You're back, sir. When?” 

An astonishing grasp of the obvious there, huh, Carter? 

“Teal'c!” 

You cuttin’ me dead too?  I smack his shoulder. 

“Teal'c!” 

How hard I gotta hit ya?  Just lemme know!  So glad you had such a WONDERFUL time in here that you didn’t hear me SCREAMING for help.  I smack him again.  Contact. 

“Come on!  Yeah, come on.  Outta here, right now!” 

JUST SAY NO! 

Words to live by.  Ask Daniel. 

I storm back to the gateroom, the rest of them trailing along in my wake.  Who cares?  NOT in the mood, here.  They were getting high while Danny was dying.  While I was – was scaring the shit out of him.  Mauling him like that.  He wanted it too – musta – musta been the shock is all.  Bolt from the blue.  He’s been through a LOT.  Once he calms down -- aww, crap.  Look at him!  Huddled into a ball.  Head bowed. 

I’m sorry.  Got carried away there.  Won’t happen again.  I promise. 

I head right on over and sit next to him, close as I dare.  Not – quite – touching.  Don’t want to scare him any more than I have.  Christ.  What was I thinking?  One minute he’s on a balcony ready to jump because I don’t love him, the next he’s fending me off because I do. 

Knowing what the problem is isn’t the same as FIXING it, O’Neill!  Get a grip.  One step at a time. 

Danny?  Okay there?  Didn’t – I didn’t hurt you, right?  Just the shock?  The shock is all? 

“Daniel Jackson.” 

Oh?  I glance up to Teal’c for a moment.  NOW you care? When it’s all over and he’s had the crap scared outta him.  AND me.  Danny is MISERABLE here.  In crying need of a hug I can’t give him.  Just in case it comes off like felonious frigging assault again. 

“Yep. Had to bring him back. It was the only thing that was gonna keep him alive.” 

You guys remember that?  Danny at death’s door?  Ring any bells?  No.  I see not. 

“Sir, how long were you gone?” 

“Few hours. Hammond tried to contact you.” 

Can’t summon up the energy to be nice to Carter and even if Daniel isn’t looking I’m sure he can hear she’s all the way over there and I’m all the way over here.  Right by his side. 

“He did not.” 

He goddamn DID, Teal’c!  Danny’s nerves weren’t so frazzled I’d TELL you so, in no uncertain terms.  Lucky for both of ya Daniel could use some peace and quiet, a little time to regroup.  Get over coming back from the dead to being felt up by his sorta ex-best friend. 

“He did. I heard his voice.” 

Thank you, Loren! 

“Where were we?” Carter demands, apparently of the room at large. 

Getting HIGH at a distance, Carter, and yet still very much with Danny and I in spirit, wrecking my frigging life. 

“In there.”  Loren points to the Light room. 

“I can't explain it, Sir.” 

“Fraiser thinks we're all addicted to something here that alters our brain chemistry. And dollars to doughnuts, it's that damn Light.” 

“Oh, I don't see how that's possible.” 

Sometimes she raps those opinions out like holy writ, the gospel according to Carter.  The day my gut feeling wins out over her ‘scientific’ assumptions is the day I die of shock. 

Loren does see.  He sees perfectly.  Gone very pale there.  Nervous. 

“Hey! You knew, didn't you?” 

“No.” 

Not nervous.  Scared to death. 

“That's why you're not allowed in there.” 

You KNEW and you LET – he almost DIED.  TWICE. 

“My father said I was too young.” 

“Uh-huh.”  Crap, kid.  Do I look like I was born yesterday? 

“Sir, if it's the Light itself, then how did Daniel recover just by arriving on the planet?” Carter asks. 

“I don't know, Major, but I want you to find out.  Otherwise we're stuck here indefinitely and that's just not acceptable.” 

Loren hangs his head. Guilty as charged, kid.  I am not spending the rest of my life as a junkie.  I fully intend to spend it with Daniel, at home, preferably in bed. 

“Ahh, screw it, we're shutting that thing off.” 

The sooner I get this resolved, the sooner I can get back to the ONLY thing that matters.  Daniel.  He NEEDS me.  He doesn’t realise it right now, but he needs me.  And he’s going to get me. 

* * *

DANIEL

I died. Again.  Apparently. 

This is getting so old it's time to retire it already.  How many times now - four?  Five?  Does getting zapped out of phase and wandering around like a ghost for days count? Can I put Resurrection Specialist as a job skill on my resume? Where's Daniel? Oh I think he's busy being dead right now, but don't worry, he'll be up and running by lunch-time. 

Jesus. And of all the people the afterlife keeps on refusing admittance to - why me?  Throw this one back - we don't want him. Better luck next time, Dannyboy. 

Why do I get to go on living when so many other people far more deserving of second, third and fourth chances didn't get them?  Ra should have let me stay dead the first time.  Everyone would have been a lot better off it he had.  Ra - for starters. 

Okay, okay, enough of this.  After talking to George, at least I know why I'm here.  This place almost - did - kill me. But I got better.  Lucky Daniel Jackson.  They got me back here in time before death became a permanently inconveniencing condition. For me, anyway. For one or two people out there, finding out that I’m finally, certifiably, actually really very dead would’ve made their whole day. 

Can't please all of the people all of the time. 

Jack got me back here in time.  Jack.  Oh boy.  I don't remember much after mouthing off to the general, but I do remember a few things.  Mostly having to do with Jack, what he was doing and saying while I was coming -- coming back from the dead.  Mostly doing.  Oh God, what he was doing! Oh boy.  Confused.  Guess saying I wish I was dead would be pretty ungrateful, all things considered. 

Ungrateful perhaps, but so much simpler.   All things considered. 

They all went into the Light room to try and shut off the disco ball from hell.  That was about half an hour ago.  I'm guessing they won't be coming out of there any time soon.  Which suits me just fine, actually.  I need the time, the space, and as long as they're all standing there happily staring into it they won't be hanging around me, hovering, staring, giving me looks, trying to make me feel -- 

I thought we said we weren't going to do this.  Just going to sit here and wait for George to send the stuff through.  Sit and stare at the gate.  Wait and not think about stuff.  No WAY are we going to think about Jack and the way it felt, how good it felt when he was touching me, kissing me - said - saying he loved me. 

I wish I knew a good joke so I could tell myself one.  Wait - all I need is a mirror.  I'd be laughing for weeks at my own reflection. 

Look at the gate.  Look at the gate.  Sit here and stare at it and wait for it to do something. If watched kettles don't boil than what don't watched gates do?  Jack was standing in front of the gate.  Saw him, clear as day.  Just like he looked before, the last time I saw him.  The last time I thought I was ever going to see him. 

No \- he wasn't the same.  Something was different.  The light?  Saw him in a new light? Then Sha'uri was there and -- 

I'm looking up at that huge, damnable circle suddenly hating it with an irrational passion.  I wish to God I'd never laid eyes on the thing!  All it's done is take.  I've kept coming back to it, going through it, following the wormhole freeway: path of mysteries, wonder, adventure, discovery; path of sorrow, pain, loss, regret.  Lies.  All of it lies.  A false light shining, luring me, not to the fulfilment of my hopes and expectations, but to -- 

All right, Daniel, now you're just being stupid.  You can't blame a big piece of inanimate metal for all your problems.  Especially as you knew damned well what it was the first time you laid eyes on it. 

IT.   What it was all about - everything you'd done that didn't seem to make any sense at the time; everything that had your professors and your peers and your only living relative telling you that you were NUTS and yet you KNEW you had to do it anyway - what you'd done all of it for.  The meaning of the bell that went off in your head when Catherine approached you with a job prospect working for an organisation you wanted nothing to do with and yet - something inside was screaming you HAD to do it. 

Then you saw the Stargate and you knew why.  IT.  Holy Grail time. Meaning of life.  Meaning of MY life. There it was - all big and shiny, the light of my life, glowing, calling to me - my path.  What I was supposed to do.  Go to it - go through it. 

With \- with him. 

No, no, I didn't know that, didn't know any such thing.  We went, had the great adventure, he went home. I stayed.  With the woman I loved.  Stayed with her to live the life I chose to live.  I chose. 

I was happy.  It was enough.  It was just scientific curiosity, wanting to test out my theory about the cartouches being addresses - other gate destinations - made me dig the thing out and start trying to dial them up. 

It was nothing to do with knowing, I needed to - needed to go through, needed to find something - someone. 

I didn't take Jack to the cartouche room because he had to understand there was more to the gate than any of us imagined - we needed to get it working because we had to - had to -- 

We had to go out there together. 

And then - we really had to.  Both of us.  Had to go through that gate together to find Sha'uri and Skaara.  We were together again, Jack and I.  Never could have happened - never would have happened if Apophis hadn't stolen her. She was my excuse for finally doing what I should have -- 

Should have done the first time? 

That's crazy, I didn't need an EXCUSE for being with Jack, just the way it worked out, no way I could have known what was going to happen, that they'd come while we were gone and take her. And yet, I left her, left her behind, went with Jack, why did I - I'd never done that before, never left her behind, she always came with me, everywhere.  Everywhere. 

Except there.  She hated that room. Hated --  I didn't mean to hurt anyone.  I only wanted to be with Jack.  Just - Jack -- 

I don't want to think about the gate anymore.  Don't want to think about Jack either, but just like the big damned naquadah doughnut in front of me, everything keeps coming back to him.  Full circle.  Circular logic?  Logic + Jack.  Now, THAT'S funny. 

Something in my head about Jack.  Something important.  Wish I could remember more about what happened earlier.  To tell the truth, most of the past few days are a blur.  I came here to get away from him - okay, not just strictly HIM, wasn't too crazy about facing a lot of people after what I'd just - done to them.  Sort of done to them.  I came here to get some space, some time; to try and figure out what to do about what I learned in Shifu's dream.   Guess getting spaced out on the Light got in the way.  Don't remember doing a lot of thinking.  Don't remember much about anything except talking to Jack.  Looking forward to talking to Jack. Feeling better, after. 

Wasn't talking - was yelling.  Wired for pictures and sound? What is that? 

Suddenly getting a very bad feeling about something.  Nothing I can put into words, but something happened.  I know it. The problem is that if something bad happened - and the more I think about it, the more likely that seems - while I might not remember it, he does.  I can't fix something if I don't even know what's broken. 

I'm thinking I've got some fences to mend that I didn't even know were kicked over. 

Great.  Someone just kill me. Bad enough my conscience is making me want to grovel to Sam and Teal'c for what I did to them in a dream they don't even know about, and now I have to make up to Jack for stuff I DID do - and don't know about. 

Here's me without my gun.  Just my luck.  Carry the thing around for four years and now when I really need it to blow my brains out where is it? Oh well, all things considered I should be grateful Janet didn't send me over here with my ass hanging out of a hospital gown. Say hello to Doctor Jackson's derriere and good-bye to his dignity.  Have to give her a big kiss when I get back.  I've got one friend left at the SGC. 

Jack.  Oh God.  Too much to deal with right now.  Don't know what's going on.  Don't know what I've done - what we've done.  Haven't got a clue how I feel about anything.  I know my name.  That's something. 

Chevrons starting to glow.  Special delivery from the SGC.  THANK YOU. I think I've done more than enough floundering in the introspection pool for the moment. Have a feeling the little gizmo I couldn't get working in my lab has something to do with controlling the equipment which generates the Light.  I'll focus on dealing with the gizmo and let all the other stuff – lie -- 

Oh God, can Jack ever KISS! 

* * *

JACK

“I’ve taken the suite next to Loren’s, Sir.  You and Daniel are just around the corner to me.  I’ve checked around, and the next room after that is along another access corridor, turn the corner, along another corridor, turn the corner.  Quite a hike.  The Goa’uld like their space.  I wouldn’t recommend separating the team to that extent, Sir.” 

Daniel stiffens slightly and I give him a weary look.  We ALWAYS do it this way in the field.  Would it hurt him to remember the ‘gentleman’ part of the officer and gentleman equation?  I might be in love with him - I might want to make love with him - but right now, he’s not and he doesn’t.  Hands off.  Possibly permanently.  Point very much taken.  Don’t need to knee me in the groin with it. 

“About the watches, Sir?” Carter asks in a carefully neutral voice. 

We’re running on empty.  Everybody has had way too much to put up with, Danny most of all.  If I kick off with watches, Daniel will insist on doing his share. 

“Daniel?  You SURE the Goa’uld haven’t been near this place?” 

“Positive,” he says quietly.  “Not for centuries.” 

Avoiding my eyes.  Avoiding ME since we waved off Teal’c.  So I wasn’t subtle.  ‘Three weeks in a palace by the beach’.  Three weeks in a palace we can’t leave.  No place to run, no place to hide.  We’ve got a lot of ground to cover, Daniel and I.  So I said it, in so many words, staring right at him so he got the message.  He got the message.  Hence the big, somewhat nervous, freeze. 

“Loren?  You get any visitors?  Any large predators we don’t know about?” 

Loren shakes his head.  “N – no, Jack.” 

He’s worried we won’t believe him after the way he concealed the truth about the light.  Hell, he’s carrying a big enough load over his parents.  He deserves to have some fun.  He can be my distraction.  He can keep Carter out of my hair while I stalk my elusive archaeologist. 

“No watches, Carter.  Just call the SGC for some sensors and set ‘em up at the entry points.” I order briskly. 

“Yes, Sir.”  Carter is too professional to show her relief. 

“I want you to work with Loren on the technology in this place.  I want to know everything there is to know about the crap that’s addicting us.  I don’t want unexpected symptoms showing up and biting us on the ass when we get home.  Lest we forget, we lost the whole of SG-5 and we came way too close to losing Daniel.” 

“SG-5? They’re – they’re dead?  All of them?” Daniel stammers. 

Aww, dammit.  Dammit. How could I forget?  Way to go, O’Neill! 

“Damn.  Sorry, Daniel.  You were already in a deep coma.  I forgot – so much going on, kinda lost track of events there for a while.” 

That has to be the understatement of the century. 

“General Hammond didn’t say.” 

Carter moves over to Daniel’s side and reaches out a reassuring hand.  “We almost lost you too, Daniel.  I’m sure the general didn’t want to upset you when you were still far from well.  And he knew he could rely on us to break the news,” Carter shoots me a cool look, “sympathetically.” 

Shoulda punched her out.  I wanted to.  I didn’t.  But I wanted to. 

“It’s okay, Sam.  Really.  Things are a little vague, right now.” 

“How much do you remember, Daniel?” Carter asks gently. 

“Nothing after General Hammond’s office.”  Daniel gives her an apologetic look from under his lashes, making her sidle even closer and turn up the sympathy a couple notches. “I – I yelled at him.” 

“The general?” Carter is astonished.  “That was the withdrawal, Daniel, not you.  Don’t blame yourself,” she advises firmly.  “I almost punched the colonel’s lights out,” she adds merrily. “And he almost punched out mine.  Came ‘that’ close!” She grins, inviting him to share the joke. 

Realisation hits Carter at the same time it hits me. 

“We’ll have a talk, Daniel.  I’ll fill you in on anything you don’t remember or aren’t sure about.” I say quietly.  “Later.  If you do start to remember, just – I’ll be right there.  With  \- you.” 

“With me?” Daniel asks suspiciously. 

“Research assistant,” I say defiantly. “Not like I can get outta here to do anything interesting,” like watch paint dry, “and you need somebody to help you with all this,” I gesture vaguely at the pillars, “stuff.”  I see the expressions on both their faces and it cuts.  Maybe this addiction is amplifying feelings to boiling point, but those feelings are THERE.  Neither Daniel nor Carter has a lot of respect for my intelligence.  They’ve both made that abundantly obvious in the last day or so.  “Not too swift, huh?  Sorry I –“ 

“I’d be glad of the help, Jack.” Daniel interrupts. 

I suspect he’s re-thinking the minute it’s outta his mouth, but I’m not about to refrain from exploiting his instinctive generosity. 

“Sure,” I say casually, shrugging it off.  Not gonna ADMIT they hurt my feelings, and anyway, my mission is accomplished.  I’m going to have Daniel right where I can keep an eye on him, night and day, because he’s going to need me.  If he doesn’t remember by himself, God knows how I’m going to tell him about what went down on that balcony.  He keeps his feelings so private, I feel like I intruded.  I learned something about him – about us – I was never meant to know.  He never chose to tell me. Like he would never have said what he said to me when we were fighting, not willingly. 

Still, it’s out there, and we’ve both gotta deal with it. 

I want to be here for him.  I want to help him get through this, help him deal with the guilt I know will be hitting him like a ton of bricks, right behind the memories. 

I love him. 

It’s way past time I was proving that to him, and not to myself. 

Just gotta remember to keep my hands to myself. 

“Let’s get it done, kids,” I order.  “Loren, go with Carter and do whatever she wants you to.” 

I don’t feel even remotely guilty when Loren blushes and stares up at Carter’s face.  Carter gives me a hard look, but hey, she’s got it coming after all those cracks on the beach.  Maybe the ‘Major’ can swallow the chain of command round here but the ‘Doctor’ sure as hell can’t.  I keep thinking about innate superiority for some damn reason. 

Last thing we hear is Loren’s excited voice asking if he can take an image. 

I turn to Daniel and stroll over to stand in front of him.  “Alone at last,” I say cheerfully. “What have you got for me?” 


	4. Chapter 4

DANIEL 

Jack is - stalking me.  Sounds insane to say it, but that's exactly what it feels like.  He can't sit still for starters.  He's making me dizzy the way he's pacing around me, to-ing and fro-ing like he's on some sort of elastic band that only lets him get so far away before it snaps him back again. 

He seems to be going out of his way to avoid me while trying desperately not to make it LOOK like he's trying to avoid me.  Considering we've both been alone in the same room for the last three hours you could make a case for the endeavour being more than a lost cause.  Lost causes are Jack's speciality. 

What does that say about his interest in me? 

Speaking of lost causes: I've spent the last half hour staring at a line of text I've transcribed from this column and for all my focus and effort I'll be damned if I can make sense of it.  Just not computing at all.  None of it is.  Nothing is making any sense.  Might as well be staring at gibberish.  Hell, maybe I am staring at gibberish.  Somebody's idea of a joke.  Graffiti, the Goa'uld equivalent of 'Kilroy was here', or 'for a good time call Hathor'. 

My head hurts.   I should be feeling better, but I'm not.  I'm not going to say anything; it's probably nothing.  Nothing a good night's sleep won't take care of.   Sam's dialled the machine down a notch or two, we've probably all got a bit of an edge on because of it.  That's why Jack is acting the way he is, prowling around like he's got a burr up his -- 

Who am I kidding?  We both know what was going on when I woke up.  Well, HE sure knows, maybe he's not so sure how 'with it' I was - how aware I was, or how much I remember.  We've barely said three words to each other in the last three hours, and we've got three more weeks of this ahead of us. That is unless one of us sucks it up, makes the first move and brings everything out into the open. 

Sucks it up? I probably could have put that another way.  Three weeks. Three weeks of Jack, hanging around.  Lurking.  Glaring at me.  Stalking. 

I have to take my glasses off.  The light - it's hurting my eyes. Drilling into my head. 

"What is it?"  Jack says brusquely.  Sounds like he's right beside me.  God, he was way the hell over - how does he DO that? 

"Nothing." I grit my teeth. "It's nothing.   Just a headache.  Had it since - since I woke up." 

"You don't look so good," he says, his voice sounding harsh in my ears.  "Don't move." 

Don't worry.  Where would I go? 

I hear him walking away, rather quickly.  'CARTER!" he bellows down the hall.  "Carter!  Get in here!" 

What's he bothering Sam for?  It's just a headache. A right, royal mother of a headache, to be sure, but still, just a headache.  I hear voices and risk opening my eyes to take a look.  Sam and Jack are standing at the entrance to the corridor, looking at me, talking like they don't want me to hear what they're saying.  I really don't care what they're saying.  I'm not feeling so well. 

Jack catches me watching them, shoots me a look, and then he's gone down the hall like a bat out of hell.  I haven't got a clue what's in his head. And here comes the other one, smiling warily at me, like she's trying to figure out the kindest way of breaking it to me that I've only got three weeks to live. 

Hey, for all I know she could be right. 

"Hey, Daniel," she says with a tight smile as she hunkers down beside me.  "How's the head?" 

"Still attached, for all the good it does me," I try to grin at her, but don't quite make it.  She puts a hand on my forehead, frowns. 

"You feel a little warm, Daniel," she tells me softly. 

"Well, it is kinda hot in here." 

"No, actually it isn't," she shakes her head. 

"It isn't?"  Feels damned hot in here to me. 

"Nope," she gives an apologetic shrug.  "The colonel's gone to set up a cot. We're thinking maybe you should lie down, take it easy.  We'll get in touch with Janet, take some blood samples and send them through, just to be on the safe side.  You were here longer than any of us and well -- " 

"I was the only one who died." 

"Yeah," she grimaces.  "There's that. You experienced the most extreme symptoms.  Maybe your brain chemistry is still a little out of whack." 

"You mean more so than usual," I grumble. 

"Hey," she says, affecting a lightly offended tone as she gently ruffles my hair.  "Easy with that sort of talk.  We might be a little dysfunctional at times, but we're all still family, right?" 

"Yeah.  Sorry."  I tear my eyes away from her and hang my head.  I suddenly can't bear her kindness.  Feel ashamed to feel the unspoken reality of how much she cares or be the undeserving object of her unsuspecting affection. 

She doesn't know what I did to her.  But I do. 

She knows I'm upset about something but I just shake my head when she gives me a questioning look. It's nothing.  Don't worry about it. 

But she does.  They all do.  Worry about me.  Give a damn.  I'm just so not worth the distance they go for me and I suddenly can't stand it. 

"Let's get you off your feet and into bed," she says assertively as she starts to help me up, mercifully letting me off the hook. 

* * *

"What's WRONG with him?"  Jack's voice. Sounds angry.  I'm making him mad.  Better - better try and get up.  Wish someone would open a damned window or something, it's awfully hot in here. 

"Janet doesn't know.  His blood-work is fine."  That's Sam, trying to be the voice of reason. I wish her luck. Jack using that tone of voice he's just this side of foaming at the mouth.  Nice mouth. 

"Blood-work's fine - what kind of CRAP is that? Look at him - he's burning up over there!" 

Really nice, nice mouth. 

"He isn't 'burning up,' sir, it's a very low grade fever.  Janet says he had the same kind of fever and was exhibiting similar mental confusion while he was recuperating from Amonet's attack.  You remember how he was, sir." 

"Acting like his brains were all scrambled by that thing and then he woke up and started going on about a dream and the kid.   Yeah.  I remember all right.  Janet thinks this is the same sort of deal?" 

"Well, she doesn't know for sure, but based on the blood-work and symptoms - " 

Nice \-- nice mouth.  Mmmmmm -- 

"Danny?" 

Good kisser. Really - good. 

"Uh, listen, Major, why don't you - I'll keep an eye on Daniel." 

Jack's got a very nice tongue in his very nice mouth. 

"Maybe I should find something else to do." 

"Maybe you should.  NOW." 

"Yes, Sir." 

Nice – long – tongue -- 

"Jesus Christ, Daniel don't do this to me!   I'm only human!" 

I'm hot. 

"God, I'll say." 

I need to go outside.  Get some air.  It's too hot in here.  I'll just go outside and get some air. 

I can't hear Jack's voice anymore.  The loss of it aches inside me.  Such a void, opening within me, like the vast emptiness under my feet as I stand on the ledge and look down. It would be so easy to let go, just a few breathless seconds and then -nothing. 

Best idea I've had in my life. 

"What are you doing out here, Daniel?" 

Coming to the end of my road. Nowhere else to go except forward into nothing.  There's no way back. No way to get it back.  No choices; no options. No way to go but down. 

"There's always another way, Daniel.  You just haven't looked in the right direction. Turn around and take a look." 

"I can't." 

"Why not?" 

"I made a promise." 

"Do you think she would want you to do this?  Do you think taking this way honours her?  Don't you think it's time you walked YOUR path instead of hers?  Turn around, Daniel. Take my hand.  Come with me." 

I wake with a start. Disoriented for a second, don't know where I am.  Feeling uncomfortable, cold clamminess, realising my clothes are soaked with perspiration, sticking to me.  What the hell? 

I'm getting a little tired of this waking up and not knowing how I happen to be in my current location.  Which seems to be lying down in the room Jack and I are sharing.  I look across at the other cot, and even though the light is low I can see it's unoccupied. 

A soft mumbling sound draws my attention to the other side.  Jack is sitting on the floor beside me, head pillowed on his arm.  Quite asleep.  He's holding my hand. 

My head doesn't hurt any more.  That's right - I wasn't well.  I remember Sam starting to help me up, then someone - carrying me?  They were talking about me.  I had a fever.  Something about Jack's -- mouth? 

I feel fine now.  It's quiet.  Wonder what time it is.  Glance at my watch to see only a bare wrist where the watch should be.  Oh yeah. Guess it's still back in the infirmary. 

I realise I'm desperately thirsty.  Don't want to disturb Jack, but I have to get up.  Not simply because I need to get something to drink, I just need to get up.  I have to go somewhere. Feel like I'm missing something.  It's a distressing feeling, like an empty space inside me.  A void.  I have to get up - have to go. 

I carefully take my hand out of Jack's iron grip and lay his hand, still slightly clenching around nothingness, in his lap. I can't believe it, but he actually doesn't stir as I get up.  I can't begin to imagine how exhausted he must be to be that - out -  I'm actually getting away with - getting away. But it seems I am. 

Jack starts to softly snore as I walk out of the room.  It's the strangest feeling - like I'm going in the wrong direction.  I keep wanting to turn around and look behind me even though I know exactly what I'll see. 

* * *

JACK

It must be three am.  The lowest ebb of the body clock.  Lowest ebb.  I’m tired.  He’s left me again and I’m – tired.  Gonna have to suck it up, though.   He needs me. 

I haul myself to my feet, old bones creaking.  Have to work my shoulders ‘til my neck feels right.  Stiff from head to toe. 

He has to be in the central complex somewhere.  If he’d gone beyond our room, the perimeter alarms would have sounded.  Ditto if he’d tried to leave the palace itself.  I’ll just retrace my steps all the way back to the gate. 

Ha.  Second time in two days I’ve had to sling him over my shoulder and carry him.  I’m surprised I’ve got a stiff neck?  Stiff back.  Knees aching.  There’s no sign of him as I cut through the light room and head towards the gateroom.  Everything is aching.  I feel – old.  Old and weary. 

Here.   Sitting on the dais again.  Arms curled around his knees.  Staring up at the Stargate. 

“Hey.” Great.  Even my voice sounds old.  I sink down next to him.  Kinda embarrassed by the sigh that wells up out of me.  Sitting close.  Not too close.  Not touching. 

“How are you feeling?  I was worried.”  Yeah.  Right.  Try bordering on hysterical. 

“That’s news?” Daniel says quietly. “You do that a lot, you know.” 

“Sorry,” I’m on automatic apology pilot, “and for - ” I wave a hand. 

“You’re sorry?  For –“ he lets it trail off too. 

Whatever you throw at me next. 

“Jack!” Daniel gasps. “That’s not fair.” 

“What?”  More tired than I thought.  Speaking.  Thinking.  If you think out loud, people hear you.  Speaking.  Think before speaking.  Hey.  It’s a concept.  “No.  It’s not fair.  And yes, I’m sorry for that too.” 

I finally have all of Daniel’s attention. 

“Yep.  Not fair.  Got that.  You’re confused.  You think you’re the only one?  Can’t you cut me a little slack, Daniel?”  I haven’t got the energy to fight.  Really.  “I’m sorry.”  Don’t know how many times I’ve said and thought that in the past few days.  Meant it every time.  “I’ve had enough.” 

I feel a hesitant touch at my shoulder and shrug his hand away.  “Don’t.  Don’t.” 

I don’t want to be harsh with him.  NOT angry here.  Not angry with him. It’s not his fault, none of it is.  “THAT isn’t fair.  Don’t worry.  I got the message, loud and clear.  Shoulda got it the first time, but I – aww, crap.  It doesn’t matter.  Not important.  Don’t worry yourself about it.” 

“The – the first time?” 

Not up to a trip down memory lane, here.  Not the time and not the place.  He was dead on the floor in this room.  He pushed me away in this room.  The feelings are too raw and I’m struggling with them.  It’s hard to make peace with another when you’re warring with yourself. 

“Not important, Daniel.  Don’t fret yourself,” I hesitate, struggling for the right words, “The withdrawal blows things way outta proportion is all.”  Not gonna forget.  Just have to accept.  Let it go. “I – it’s not about me,” I say finally, “I’m telling you you’ve nothing to – to - ” why is it so hard to say this? “Just concentrate on you.  That’s what’s important.” 

“You’re not unimportant,” Daniel begins. 

“I’m fine,” I interrupt.  “Little tired, is all.  Rough coupla days.  A little stressed out, here.  Just give me some time.  Things will get back to normal soon.” 

“Normal?  How can we - you said -- you said you were in love with me.” 

“That’s my problem, Daniel.” 

“Don’t worry myself about it?” he snaps. “Too late.” 

“You were dead.  You died right in front of me.  I’m not trying to make excuses, here, I was wrong to – I shouldn’t have been mauling you like that.” 

“Mauling?  Jack, it wasn’t – I didn’t know where I was – I –“ Daniel sounds distressed. 

Didn’t mean for that to happen. 

“You didn’t choose.  I’ve had some time to think, and that’s the worst part about it.  I feel like I invaded your privacy, Daniel.  Saw things you never meant me to see.  Not only have we not been on the same page, here, I’ve been in a completely different book.  Ignorance is no defence, but I swear, I didn’t realise you didn’t remember until you told us so.”  It’s quite comforting, talking into your knees.  Easier than trying to talk staring into those eyes and seeing all the pain you put there.  “It wasn’t fair.  If I’d thought for a SECOND I was making your choice for you.”  I laugh suddenly.  Not a happy sound.  “If I’d thought at all.  You didn’t bring this on yourself.  It’s my fault.  Only mine.  You’ve made your choice now.  I know where I stand.  Everything is clear.” 

“NOTHING is clear.” 

I jump up.  “I’m tired, Daniel.  I’m gonna try to get some sleep.  I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“That’s IT? Daniel bursts out.  “You’re just leaving me?” 

“There’s nothing more to say.  My feelings aren’t your problem, Daniel.” 

“You’re not listening to a word I say.” 

“I’m LISTENING!  I don’t ONLY listen to you when you say what I want to hear.  I heard you JUST fine when you told me to get the hell away from you.  I’m a fucking repressed control freak and I got NOTHING you want.  I GET that.  I HEAR you.” 

He flinches back like I slapped him. 

“No!  No.  I’m sorry.  Daniel, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean that.  I don’t know what the hell I mean.  I’m too damn tired to – I’m not trying to hurt you.  I love you.  All I know is I can’t go on like this.  I thought I could, but I can’t.  I’ve been eating my heart out over you as long as I’ve known you and I just can’t do it anymore.  It isn’t fair to either of us.  I’m hurting you and I have to let it go.  I have to let you go.  He told me, but I wasn’t listening.  I thought he meant I could let go in you.”  I stop and smile for him.  “We can be friends.  I miss that.  I miss my friend.  We can get it back.  I can be the friend I should have been from the start, if you’ll let me.   Just think about it.” 

“Jack.”  Daniel jumps up and takes a few steps towards me. “Jack, please.  Please don’t walk away,” he pleads. 

My hand almost grazes his cheek before I pull it back to my side.  “Hey.  Quit your worryin’.  I’ll be fine.  Came too damn close to losing you, on top of everything else.  I don’t know where the hell I am or what I’m doing or saying just now, but I’ll be fine. I’ve got my limits too, Daniel, y’know?” 

Then I shut him down and out.  I can’t bear that stricken look on his face and there’s nothing I can do to give him comfort except get out of his way for a while.  I want him so badly it’s hurting, twisting my gut like a knife. 

“Ahh, talk to me tomorrow.  Can’t help but be morbid at four am.”  I nod vaguely and turn away.  “Try me tomorrow when I’m making sense.” 

I’m almost out the door before the soft murmur reaches me. 

“I didn’t choose. The choice was made for me.” 

I know.  I know.  It hurts I can’t take it back for you.  You’ve no idea how much it hurts. 

“And now you’re choosing for me too.” 

I’m crawling into my cot when the words come clear.  Daniel made his own choice in the gateroom, didn’t he?  He pushed me away.  He said no.  Emphatically.  I go to him and do my best to let him know it’s hard on me right now, but I’ll be able to live with his choice.  Try to be what he wants me to be.  I’m trying to live with his choice, not choose for him. 

Daniel uses language precisely.  He said I was choosing for him now, NOT that he had made his choice.  I was choosing for him, giving him that out, telling him we would just be friends. 

Christ.  Oh, Christ. There’s a chance.  There’s still a chance.  He DOESN’T remember.  He wasn’t rejecting me AGAIN.  He doesn’t KNOW about the first time.  Didn’t remember the balcony, what he wanted from me.  Then, I thought he loved me too.  I thought there was a chance.  I thought we could get it back, make it right between us. 

There IS a chance. 

This all went wrong when Daniel chose Sha’uri over me, when he stayed with her instead of returning with me. It was so simple I didn’t see it.  It was right there in front of me the whole time.  I’ve never forgiven him for choosing her, and I’ve never trusted him not to leave me again.  Afraid.  All this time.  I’ve been afraid to let him choose because I was afraid he wouldn’t choose me.  That’s what Shifu was telling me.  I just wasn’t hearing him. 

I have to let Daniel choose now.  I have to let go of my fear and trust him.  That’s all.  I have to KNOW.  Let him come to me, come of his own free will.  Either way ends me.  If he chooses to be with me, we go on.  If he doesn’t -- I can’t live in this fear any more.  We have to make an end, and I have the hope it’s a beginning. 

* * *

DANIEL

"Bastard!"  I choke as I slam my hand down on the first key on the DHD.  The chevron on the gate glows.  Can barely see it; can hardly make out the symbols on the pedestal in front of me.  I wipe my eyes with an angry hand. 

Wouldn't do to misdial.  Might end up somewhere I was actually SUPPOSED to be. 

"Stubborn, loudmouthed, thick-headed - BASTARD!"  Two, three, four, five.  Hit them in quick succession, then the sixth.  Only one left.  Reaching for it. 

I don't make it.  Hand, covering mine, pulling it away, pulling me around. 

"What are you doing, Daniel?"  Sam says to me, the concern on her face deepening almost painfully as she takes in what she's seeing. 

"I'm getting the hell out of here," I mumble, wiping my eyes again.  Trying to pull my hand free, get back to what I was doing.  But she won't let go.  Won't let me - won't let me leave. 

"I can't stay here.  I have to go.  There's just - it doesn't - I - I can't -- " 

Can't think, can't talk, can't stay.  Don't have any more options. No more choices.  On the edge. Can't get it back.  He won't let me try.  Have to go - nowhere to go. 

Sam grabs me by the arms, is dragging me away from the DHD.  Trying to get me to look at her, to listen. 

"Daniel, you CAN'T do this.  You can't leave.  None of us can leave here. Not yet.  It's too soon.  You go through that gate and you'll DIE. 

"You say that like it's a bad thing."  Letting go, going over the edge, don't care. 

Falling, but not far.  She catches me, stops me, strength, such strength in the arms surrounding me, supporting me.  Always knew she was strong but had no idea, never suspected how much she cares about me. 

"Damned right it would be a bad thing," she scolds me, her voice almost shattering with the force of her emotion.  "You're dying on me over my dead body.  You'll have to drag me through that gate right along with you. You're bigger but we both know I can beat you up, so let's just call it even and stay right here, okay?" 

"What \- what about -- "  I snuffle into her hair.  Can't even say his name. 

"What about him?"  she snorts.  "Beat him up too.  He's tough, but he's slowing down. The knees.  I can take him.  No problem. Mop up the floor with him." 

I can feel myself starting to smile as she gives me a reassuring squeeze. "Good thing Teal'c isn't here," I murmur. 

"He doesn't scare me either," her voice is lighter, teasing me.  "Tactics.  Come up on him from behind, hit him on the head, then take him.  Just got to use what you know and go for it." 

There's more to what she just said. So much more.  More to everything.  Much more than I know, remember.  Too many pieces missing from my picture.  Gaps in my memory, understanding, the emptiness, the void. 

Why do I keep coming back to the edge?  What's drawing me there?  Why do I feel I have to go there, and yet - am so unwilling to allow myself see what's waiting for me there? 

My head is splitting again, reality fractured by images, voices, feelings, fragments of memory surging up at me from the darkness, dancing about in unconnected frenzy, making no sense and mocking me. 

We're sitting on the ground.  Not sure how we got there, but Sam is beside me still, her arm around my shoulders as I sit cross-legged clutching my head.  Coming back, it's all coming back. 

"What's going on?"  I'm scaring her again.  "Daniel - are you okay?" 

No.  No.  Not okay.  Remembering. I'm remembering. Oh God he was - I was - on the edge - nothing he could do but stand there and watch. 

I was going to jump. 

I remember everything now.  What I said to him. What I did to him.  Might have been the withdrawal effect upping the tempo, but the words were mine.  Can't blame the music this time.  I composed that particular sad symphony.  All me. 

I'm right back where I was when he found me. Standing on that ledge, all but letting go.  Same damned place.  Nowhere to go, no escape from what I've done.  No choice. No choices left. 

Between the two of them, they've made them all for me. 

I rest my chin on my knees and stare bleakly at the gate in front of me.  Maybe if I stare at it long enough it'll throw me a clue. Or finally take pity on me and fall down on me and squash me flat. 

I owe the good woman beside me some sort of explanation.  Owe her a lot more than that, but I figure I'll start with the small stuff and gradually work my way up the list. 

"I'm \- I won't insult you and say I'm fine."  I answer her quietly.  "Some things were said and done - probably - no way to make it right now." 

"Daniel," she pats my shoulder gently.  "Before you say any more, there's something I want to tell you.  Something maybe it's time you knew." 

I'm puzzled by the strange, confident tone of her voice and turn to her.  Earnest eyes affix me as she continues speaking. 

"The colonel and I - the whole thing was a mistake, right from the beginning.  Not that it was even - anything - really.  Except a really, really bad idea.  It wouldn't even have occurred to either of us, probably, except for - " 

She breaks off, a shy, grimacing smile on her face.  "How do I explain this?"  she mutters, frustrated. 

I shake my head, trying to - I don't want her to be uncomfortable.  She doesn't have to - it's - it's not necessary.  Not like it matters.  Water under the bridge, now. 

"You don't owe me any explanation, Sam," I try to reassure her. 

"Yes I do!" she returns stubbornly.  "Besides, I want to explain. You have to know that we never meant to hurt you - either one of us.  It was just a stupid mistake we made because - because - well - because those other Sams and Jacks were getting together we wondered if maybe we were missing out on something!" 

She glares at me defiantly, as if daring me to say something.  Not if my life depended on it. 

"At least that's the way it was for me," she continues, her voice a little softer. “The colonel may have had - other - additional reasons.  Actually, I think that's pretty likely.  Not for me to say, though.  But I have my suspicions." 

She peers at me again, trying to gauge my reaction.  I've got nothing to say.  Whatever Jack gets up to is none of my business.  He was pretty clear on that, last I heard from him. 

"I'd never thought of him that way before, but seeing the other me - kissing him," she frowns and shakes her head. "I don't know what I was thinking.  Maybe it worked for them, but it never could have worked for us.  They might have looked like us, Daniel, but they weren't - weren't us.  Any more than we are them.  They were completely different people. Completely different.  And the main reason for that - they'd never met YOU.   You make a difference wherever you go.  You certainly made a difference in us.  We forgot that.  We forgot about you.  We didn't mean to, Daniel."  Her eyes are getting wider, more distressed, filling with penitent tears.  "We - I - I never meant to hurt you." 

"It's okay, Sam," I soothe.  Her distress is making me uncomfortable.  She's not at fault for any of this, but I don't know how I'm going to make her understand she's needlessly feeling guilty. What's gone wrong between Jack and I - she's utterly blameless. 

"You didn't - this goes way back.  Before we met you, even. Nothing to do with you.  The damage was done a long time ago.  Just took this long to finally -  finally - " 

I can't say the words.  Saying it will make it so.  Even though I know it is, if I don't say it, I don't have to face it. 

"Daniel, listen to me!"  Sam shakes me, trying to get me to look at her.  "You can't do this to yourself.  Not again. You can't just - give up!" 

"What?  What are you talking about?” 

She sighs and lays her head on my shoulder. " You can't give up, Daniel. You just can't. It would be wrong, and you know that.  The same way you always seem to KNOW. You do.  You always know. I've never met anyone like you. I'll admit, sometimes you drive me crazy, and I don't handle it well, but whether I like it or not, there's no way I can deny that you do.” 

"Daniel, you have this GIFT," she says the word with quiet reverence, like she's describing some kind of - blessing.  "This - sense.  You look at things, see things - somehow you always know what's RIGHT.  You know what to do, you see what has to be done. And you get it done. I've watched you, all this time.  You don't care who you have to fight, what you have to do.  You've stood up to System Lords, generals, alien tyrants, narrow-minded politicians - stood up to us, even - time and time again.  You've kept on going, kept on fighting, you don't give up, don't back down, don't take no for an answer.  You've gone right out there and done the right thing when no one else believed in you - and you've done it even when you've known you'd probably die doing it.  You'll fight to your last breath to do the right thing by every single person in this universe.  Every person - but one." 

"I don't know what you're talking about," I say and turn away from her. 

She's not having it.  She grabs me by the shoulder and hauls me around to face her once more. "Oh yes you do!"  she asserts stubbornly.  Not letting me off the hook this time.  "You know damned well what I'm talking about.  Only one person in your book doesn't rate you giving your all for.   YOU - Daniel.  You won't raise a finger to defend Daniel Jackson.  You'd lay down your life in an instant for a total stranger but you just stand back and let Daniel - let him get hurt."  Her kind, blue eyes are overflowing with tears.  "That's not right, Daniel," she pleads with me.  "Don't let this happen to my friend.  He's worth fighting for.  Do the right thing by him, please. Do what you know you HAVE to do.  FIGHT for him!  Not for me, not for that man out there, even.  For you!" 

I stare at her stricken, tear-stained face astonished. Fight - for ME? Always another way? The way I never considered?  No one can take except where I allow it.  Abnegation is a form of surrender.  Refusing to choose - not the same as not choosing. 

I couldn't bring myself to choose between them. So I refused to choose at all.  Allowed myself to be claimed.  Told myself I was happy living with the consequences of my own refusal to stand up for myself. 

I can hardly blame Jack for following a precedent I'd already set. How could I expect him to respect me when I didn't respect myself?  What right did I have to scream at him for keeping me powerless when he stood there and watched me give it away without so much as a whimper to whoever would grab it first? 

All he did was take over for Sha'uri.  And I let him - the same way I let her. 

Sam's right.  She's right.  I do have another choice after all.  The choice I always had.  I know what I have to do.  I've always known.  It's just - this is the first time I CHOOSE to see it, and to do it. 

What have I always known?  What have I always turned away from?  What have I not let myself see?  What do I choose to see now? 

Him.  Always him. It wasn't just the gate I came to the mountain to find, it was him.  When I went through the gate with him the first time I was on the right track.  Letting him go, not seeing - not letting myself see the truth - that's when I lost my way. 

I've been stumbling around in the dark ever since.  No more.   The truth blazes brightly inside me. 

Love him.  I love him.  It's the truth. It's right.  It's right for me.  I can't turn away from it, can't walk away from it.  Can't put it aside.  Not even for her.  I did it once before and it was wrong.  Can't keep on making the same mistake.  Can't. 

Won't. 

I grab Sam, spin her around and plant a big kiss on her startled mouth.  "Thank you!" I tell her warmly.  "You're - you're right.   I don't know how to thank you.  I'm going - I have to - I know - that is I mean --" 

I'm burbling. She looks up at me, her nose crinkling with a smile as she makes a show of fanning her face.  "Wow, is it hot in here?" she teases me.  "Careful or you'll make a girl sorry she opened her big mouth."  I KNOW she's definitely having me on me now as she winks at me and broadly leers.  "You wanna TALK some more, you know where to find me." 

"Don't YOU start with me," I grumble and drop her abruptly. She giggles and rolls away as she hits the ground.  I'm on my feet, dashing away from her, don't stop to look back as I hear her, even though I carry her support with me as I go. 

"Good luck, Daniel.  Even though I know you won't need it." 

* * *

Jack's not sleeping.  Lying down but not sleeping.  Somehow I'm not surprised. 

I burst into the room, stand breathless in the doorway as he turns to look at me.  I'm breathing hard with anxious courage, my body trembling with recklessness.  I'm - pumped. 

It's taken me four long years to get to this place.  To finally face a moment I almost let slip away to become lost in the tumult of time and painful memories.  I gave my life away and have lived every subsequent moment for everyone else but me. Have done every single thing since for every reason except the one I should have. 

Because it was what I needed to do. Me.  Daniel Jackson. 

Jack's lying there, looking at me, a puzzled expression on his face, as if he's seeing me for the first time. 

He has no idea he's absolutely right.  However, I'm about to throw him more than a clue.  It might be too late. I might have waited too long, said too much. Let too much water under the bridge that I've finally figured out I want and need to cross.  Maybe I finally crossed a line there's no taking back.   I'll just have to deal with it if it comes to that. 

It doesn't matter.  I have to do it.  However it turns out is not the point.  The point is - it's what I have to do.  It's what I want to do.  For me. 

I realise I'm still standing there, staring at him. So does he. I'm so worked up I'm vibrating - blinking furiously.  Shit.  Not now! 

Still blinking past the moisture in my eyes I just make out he's getting ready to say something. 

No you don't. 

"Shut up!" I snap at him.  He cocks a startled eyebrow at me, but says nothing. "You had your say already.  It's my turn. 

"I made a mistake a long time ago and I'm not going to keep on repeating it.  I'm taking my life back.  You - " I say pointing a finger at him, "don't get to tell me what I choose to do with it. What I want, what I feel - who - who I love.  Who I choose to be with.  Not up to you or anyone else what I feel.  Just so you know." 

He's not saying a word.  Just staring at me, eyes getting darker, more unreadable.  I can't tell what he's making of what I'm telling him, don't know if this is good news or bad.  Well, if I'm in for a penny, might as well be in for a pound.  The worst he can do to me is shoot me. 

"Should have said so a long time ago, but I didn't.  I'm sorry, but I didn't know.  I don't get to take it back or do it over again, so I'll do it now.  Maybe it isn't better late than never but -- " 

I can't even see him now, can barely breathe with the emotions surging through me.  So much to gain, so much to lose.  My life, my fate all tied up in a few words. Words I should have said a long time ago, now so significant that they're crushing me before I have a chance to get them out. 

"I love you," I gasp.   "Not going to fight it - or you - anymore. You  - choose to - be - I want  - be - be with you - you - wanted - always  - " 

I can't say any more.  Can barely stand.  Have to leave, have to go - had the courage to tell him, but suddenly haven't the strength to face his rejection. 

As much as I deserve, for everything I've put him through. 

* * *

JACK

"I love you," Daniel gasps out. "Not going to fight it - or you - anymore. You  - choose to - be - I want  - be - be with you - you - wanted - always  - " 

The words barely have a moment to impact before Daniel turns abruptly on his heel and makes like a gazelle out the door.  Given his predominant emotion appears to be sheer terror, I don’t waste time on words of my own.  Old?  Who’s old?  He’s fast, but I’m MOTIVATED.  I catch him a fair distance down the hallway, spin him towards me, stoop and straighten with him draped safely over my shoulder.  Then I turn on my heel and – kinda – well – okay.  I’m swaggering.  Bite me. 

“J – Jack?” 

He sounds breathless and his voice is a little muffled. 

“Um – you can put me down.  Any time.  Really.” 

I shift my grip a little, making him squeak. 

“I don’t think this is the approved Air Force lift, Jack.” 

I can’t say anything.  I’ve had my turn. 

“Pretty sure your hand shouldn’t be – there.” 

No.  No.  Gotta put my hand up to that one.  Metaphorically.  And literally.  In fact, I’ve got QUITE a handful right now.  Kind of a perfect fit.  A suggestion of pertness that certainly bears further investigation. 

“Jack?  Jack!” 

It’s hard to sound dignified and authoritative from that angle but Daniel is giving it his best shot. 

“Okay, Colonel.  You asked for it and you’re gonna get it,” Daniel threatens. 

“OW!”  He pinched me. The little shit actually pinched my butt. 

“OW!” 

I smacked his.  Hard. 

“Wanna kiss it better?” 

A grin breaks out.  Your wish is most emphatically my command, Dannyboy. 

I kick the door shut behind me and let him drop to his own two feet in front of me.  He’s blushing furiously.  It’s definitely easier to be bold and wanton when the two of you are cheek to cheek, as it were.  Now he just looks desperately uncertain. 

Looks like I feel. 

He tells me he chooses me and then he runs away again.  One sign.  I just need one definitive sign from him that it’s okay – that I can – that I’m welcome to put my hands on him.  I want him so, and I’m afraid to make another mistake.  Afraid to drive him away from me again. 

Daniel stares back at me. 

Come on, Daniel.  Let me in.  Please.  I know you remember the gateroom even if you don’t remember the – the other.  Don’t make ME – please. 

Then his eyes widen with  - shock?  Recognition? Sorrow.  “Oh no, Jack, no.  Oh God, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean – I didn’t.” 

He closes the vast distance between us in three steps and slowly lays his head on my shoulder, sighing.  And now, NOW I’ve got him, lock my arms around his back and try to hug him inside my skin with me.  I’ve got a fight on my hands.  Daniel’s desperate attempt to reassure me he didn’t mean a word of it is putting my creaking ribcage at serious risk.  The effect is only slightly hampered by all the sniffling. 

“Daniel?  Dan?” 

“Are you alright?” he murmurs tenderly into my shoulder.  “Getting a little damp, here.” 

“I’ve got something in my eye,” I say cautiously. 

“I meant me!”  He pulls back suddenly and stares at me in wide eyed astonishment.  “You definitely have something in your eye, Jack.” Then he gives a judicious nod.  “Tears.” 

I’ve got no idea what to say, and have even less when Daniel reaches up a tentative hand and wipes away the – er - suspect moisture.  He has this softness in his eyes I’m not used to.  Whatever he’s seeing on my face is - is pleasing him. 

“I love you,” I blurt out.  So suave is not currently my middle name.  Big deal.  He doesn’t seem to mind. 

Daniel smiles shyly at me. He has the sweetest smile in the world, and I see it so rarely.  “I love you too.” 

“Daniel.  I want to talk to you.  About – I’ve got a lot on my mind.  Stuff you really need to know.” 

His face is falling.  “I know, oh God, I know.  I remember.  I’m so sorry,” his voice is an aching whisper, “What I put you through – I don’t know where to begin.  I thought you’d say no.  I was SURE.  Too late.” 

I hush him with a finger across his lips.  “You’ve got nothing to answer for.  Nothing!  Do you hear me?  This is about me.  Things I want you – need you to know.  I learned a few lessons from Shifu myself.” 

Daniel jerks back from me, eyes widening. 

“You’d have been proud of me.  I haven’t sweated so much since we did Chaucer in English Lit,” I say dryly.   Then I sidle a little closer and whisper in his ear, “And I was hoping we could adjourn the conversation to the bed.  I strongly suspect I’m going to need a lot of reassurance to get through my tale of woe.” 

“Tactile reassurance?” Daniel clarifies. 

“That’d do it.” 

We both turn and look at the bed.  Cot.  Daniel looks profoundly unenthusiastic.  I can’t find it in my heart to blame him.  As highly motivated as I am, I can’t see any damn way we’ll fit on that cot, not with the level of interactivity we’d both like to test out. 

“Gimme a sec,” inspiration has struck.  I pounce on my radio.  “Carter.  Carter, come in!” 

“Sir?” Carter sounds a little startled.  “Is everything all right?”  And anxious. 

“No,” I say flatly.  “Sitting on the floor last night keeping watch over sleeping beauty here has done my – er – my -- ” my mind’s gone blank. 

“Knees,” Daniel hisses. 

“KNEES no good whatsoever.”  I can hear a snort through my radio.  “Carter?” 

“Static, Sir.  Do you want me to ask for some ice packs?” 

No!  I want you to ask for a big comfy bed so Daniel and I can have sex.  Talk.  I mean talk. 

“Back!” 

“What?” 

Daniel rolls his eyes.  Oh!  Sorry.  Brain isn’t functioning too good.  Blood supply is busy elsewhere.  Closer to floor level, you catch my drift. 

“And \- and I think I’ve fused a couple of vertebra from carrying Daniel around.  He’s no featherweight, you know.” 

Did I mention how resilient Daniel is?  A few minutes ago he was weeping on my shoulder, now he’s glaring at me. 

There’s a fair amount of static at Carter’s end. 

“Carter!  You still there?” I demand. 

“Sir,” she sounds a little shaky.  “I – I know where I can lay my hands on an air bed, if that would help.  It would certainly be more – more comfortable than a – a cot.  Easier on your - back.” 

“Can’t be too careful with lumbar support,” I agree firmly. “And God knows, Daniel can generate enough hot air for -- ”  I realise this isn’t the most tactful thing to say to the love of your life as you try to lure him into your bed for the first time. 

Daniel isn’t glaring.  He’s staring.  At my mouth.  Licking his lips. 

“I’ll get right on it, Sir.” 

“Me too,” I say vaguely and throw the radio in the general direction of the cots.  I make a last ditch effort to do the decent thing and talk FIRST.  “We need to talk.” 

“We need to kiss,” Daniel contradicts. 

“Talk,” I insist.  I can’t tear my eyes from his lips either. 

“Kiss.”  Daniel drops his head, blushing, then looks up shyly through his lashes.  “I haven’t been able to get that kiss out of my mind.”  Daniel steps a little closer and slips a tentative hand behind my head.  Then he removes his hand, shoots me an embarrassed look and pulls off his glasses, tossing them at the nearest cot. When his hand slips back behind my head, he’s apparently slightly more confident I’ll find him desirable. 

It melts my bones.  I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him to me so he can feel for himself just how desirable I find him.  “I feel ridiculous saying this to you, Daniel.  I mean, our usual MO is awkward silences and not looking at each other when we have to be sincere about what we’re feeling.  So forgive me if it doesn’t come out right.  You’re drop dead gorgeous.  This does present a SLIGHT problem.  The glasses don’t help; on or off, I find you irresistible.  You – breathing – is enough for me.” I’m very conscious of my actions in the gateroom.  “I’d say lots and lots of unbelievably hot sex would help,  but being completely honest here, it won’t.  It will make me very happy – so damn happy I’ll just want lots MORE unbelievably hot sex.  I just want you knowing that, going down.  IN!  Going in!”  I correct desperately, giving him an embarrassed look.  “Sorry.  Mind in the gutter, here.” 

“You talk too much,” Daniel tells me tenderly, and somewhat unfairly, given his track record. 

“I don’t know how YOU have the nerve to call ME on – “ I grumble, at which point Daniel pounces, kissing me ferociously.  Pounces so hard I stagger back and hit my head off the door, which makes me yelp.  Daniel takes instant advantage of my parted lips, pushing his tongue vigorously down my throat, and staying put through sheer dogged persistence, desperate suction and clashing teeth. 

Meanwhile I’ve got one hand clamped to his butt while the other has the back of his head in a death-grip in case he has any stupid ideas, like breathing.  The rest of my body is relentlessly trying to climb inside his skin through a kind of ecstatic sexual osmosis.  I’m groaning, gasping and moaning, shuddering and clinging desperately as black spots flash in my eyes.  We HAVE to stop for air, tearing our mouths apart a couple of inches and wheezing pathetically at one another.   Daniel’s eyes are enormous.  Stunned.  I have never embarrassed myself so thoroughly in front of another human being in my entire life. 

I’m having the time of my life. 

“L – l - love you,” Daniel gasps, caressing his forehead against mine.  “Clothes.” 

“Wh \- ?”  His lungs are younger than mine.  That’s all I can manage by way of verbal communication. 

“Skin.” 

“B \- bed?”  As in, we don’t got one. 

“Floor.” 

“Yes?”  You certain you want to make love with me?  We can wait until you are certain you are ready for physical intimacy.  My hard-on aside, there’s no rush.  I do happen to be crazy in love with you. 

“NOW.” 

We stagger over towards the cots like drunken sailors, kissing all the way, steer in between them, stoop, reach behind, yank, drop sleeping bag on floor.  And again with the other one.  Bed.  Daniel shoves my jacket off.  Pillow.  Hands fumble at T-shirts, pulling free, pulling up, we pull apart, breathing hard.  T-shirts smoothly over heads, lips meeting, tongues stroking.  More fumbling.  Belts, zips, pants.  Down.  Have to pull apart again.  Frigging laces.  Frigging boots. 

Ahh.  Skin. 

“Beautiful.” 

“Slowing down, Daniel.”  My God, kid, you need to get out more. 

“So you’ll be at my side, not leaving me behind.  Staying with me,” he sighs. 

“Long as you’ll have me,” I pull him to me and we kneel side by side on our makeshift bed and do some creative zipping.  I look at Daniel’s eager, nervous face and he smiles sweetly at me, catching at my heart.  “You deserve better than this for our first time.  A couple of Air Force sleeping bags and a cold, hard floor.” 

“Jack, the only thing harder than that floor is me, and I have to tell you, if you don’t hurry up, I’m starting without you.  You want to get romantic, I swear, when we get back, you can drag me off to the honeymoon suite of the tackiest motel you can find – “ 

“Theme rooms?” I interrupt. 

Daniel senses he may have bitten off more than he can chew.  He nods, eyeing me cautiously. 

“The Big Easy Motel, Bar & Grill!  Vegas, here we COME!” I whoop, tumbling him down beside me. 

“Oh, God,” Daniel whimpers, reading my evil intent.  “They’ve got an Egyptian room, right?” 

“A tomb with a view.”  I give him a hurt look.  “There’s no reason to suspect the hieroglyphs are anything other than tasteful and historically accurate, though I admit the sarcophagus may leave something to be desired.”  Daniel looks terrified.  “It vibrates,” I say kindly, before nibbling a very tempting ear. 

Daniel whimpers again, with pleasure this time, and takes the opportunity to bite my shoulder.  “I knew you were teasing!” 

I find a sweet spot just behind Daniel’s ear that makes him writhe when I probe it with my tongue, and I’m very glad he can’t see my face.  No point upsetting him until we get there, and if he prefers, we can check out the Aphrodite suite.  I have no objections to seeing Daniel rising naked from the foam.  The vast shell bed is lifted straight from the painting, though Danny is a little on the slender side for Botticelli.  He may not forgive me until the day we die, but he offered.  It’s his own fault.  Daniel did say the tackiest.  This place is so tacky it’s magnificent.  In fact, it’s so magnificent he may not get over the shock until – “Hand.” 

“Just checking.” 

Special Forces trained, here!  The day an archaeologist beats me in the field is the day I retire.  We’ve both had time to assimilate the unforgiving nature of the terrain, now Daniel is checking out my topography, hoping to avoid his sure and certain fate.  All’s fair in love on cold floors. 

“Get over it, Daniel.  Your butt is younger than mine.” 

“Yours has more - padding,” Daniel says sweetly, pinching said padding damned hard, making me yelp again.  His face is so endearingly naughty as he steals a breathtaking kiss, he’s almost impossible to resist.  Almost.  The floor is DAMNABLY hard and he’s the one keeping his pert little derriere on it. 

“My knees are shot.  My shoulder hurts.  My back hurts.  I think I concussed myself on the door when you threw yourself at me.  And you bit my tongue.” 

“That was an accident and anyway I kissed it better.  Why don’t you just spit it out, Jack?  I’m a lot more comfortable to lie on than the floor!” 

“Softer.  Warmer.  Silkier,” I growl.  “Trembling.  Perfect.  So damn – HOT - oh, God, DANNY!”  I’m on him like a force of nature, kissing him madly, tracing the soft muscles ridging his abdomen with awed, shaking fingers. Up to his chest, grazing a nipple.  He gasps and arches into my touch, his own hands roaming all over my back, kneading my butt as he kisses my neck, shoulder, jaw, eyes. 

“JACK!” 

“Sorry.  Hand slipped,” I tease, uncurling my fingers from his eager erection.  Danny’s fingers clamp urgently over mine, his wide, strained eyes pleading.  I hold the hard, heated length of him in my hand and stroke him confidently, my touch firm and sure.  As Daniel’s long, elegant fingers close gently around my shaft and anxiously search out a rhythm that does for me what his groaning into my mouth tells me I’m doing for him, I realise even this intimacy between men is new to him. 

Daniel does it for me.  He doesn’t need to do a goddamn thing but be here, wanting me, writhing desperately against me. Loving me so much even I believe he means it. 

I roll onto my back, lifting him over me, my appreciative hands clamped to his buttocks, urging him closer to me.  Laughing at his surprise. 

“Prick,” he murmurs against my lips. 

“Virgin,” I whisper back, parting my thighs and wrapping my legs around his.  So I’m a pushover.  So sue me.  Four years he’s been celibate, and maybe with his track record, it’s about damn time he got some choices in if and when and how he makes love.  “Danny, kinda got the engine running, catch my drift?  You wanna put it in gear, here?” 

“How do you – I mean – um - ” Daniel falters. 

“Danny, trust me, whatever you do is fine.  Just remember you’re dealing with a man who so far has proved conclusively that your being fully conscious is more or less optional in sex.  Do with me as you will.”  A thought occurs. “I did check for a pulse FIRST.  Honestly.  In case you were wondering,” I add anxiously.  “I don’t want you thinking I’m DESPERATE or anything.  I mean, you WERE breathing.” 

Daniel dissolves into helpless laughter, collapsing against my chest, shaking like a leaf, not coming up for quite some time.  I hug him close and thoroughly enjoy the gusts of warm breath snorting into my neck.  When he does emerge, his whole face is alight with laughter – and love – and a few tears.  “S – so romantic!” 

“You’ll always be conscious,” I promise him with simple pride.  I wriggle my hips suggestively against him, remind him he’s got unfinished business to attend to here.  “By the end, anyway.” I pause, mull it over.  Honesty is always the best policy.  “Or, maybe not.  I am forty five, you know.  But definitely in the middle.” 

“Jack.  Shut the hell up and kiss me.” 

The little chokes of laughter are cute too, and Danny might be many things right now, but nervous is no longer one of them, as he rocks his hips carefully against mine. 

“Mmm,” I say smugly, then joyously suck Daniel’s tongue out of his mouth and into mine as he explores the pleasures of friction between like-minded lovers.  Careful rocks into confident, once he’s sure he won’t break me and yeah, all the embarrassing groaning means I don’t actively hate it.  Then we rock it up a notch from confident to excited – both of us - and from there to OH MOMMA!  My sweet little Dannyboy does the wild thing like you wouldn’t believe, pounding my willing, welcoming, horny old bones into the floor.  I’m getting bruises on my bruises and loving every frenzied second, howling encouragement every time he lets me up for air and making him laugh every single time.  Wild gives way to ecstatic, pleasure spiking through me more intensely with every thrust until I can hardly bear it. 

Danny screams my name and convulses against me, his back arching, driving him against me one more time; I lift, spin, fall for him, HARD, howling “DANNY!” as the top of my head comes off.  We collapse in a sweaty tangle of arms and legs, heaving chests, and salt-tasting kisses, pleasure shocks still ghosting through us. 

“Love you.  Love you, Jack.  Love you.” 

“Me too.” 

Daniel chuckles into my chest.  “That’s not news either.  Do you love me though?” 

“Hey!  Owning my heart and making free with my body doesn’t give you licence to mess with my mind.  Don’t get cocky.” 

“You’re right,” Daniel apologises in a small voice.  “I should show more respect, even when it’s just the three of us, all alone.” 

“Three?” He’s worn me out so, I can’t keep my eyes open.  If I wasn’t so blissed out I wouldn’t have been dumb enough to stick my head in the noose. 

“Me.”  Daniel kisses my chest.  “You.”  He kisses the hollow at the base of my throat.  “Your ego.”  He kisses my lips, laughing again. 

Gloating over just how good I’ve made him feel, I still have to retaliate.  I got some pride.  I roll him beneath me, ruthlessly ignoring his protests, kiss him soundly, tell him I love him very dearly.  And then I heartlessly fall asleep on him.  Literally on him. 

* * *

DANIEL

Jack weighs a ton.  I feel as if I'm being flattened right into the floor, My back is pulverised, I've long since lost all feeling in my ass, but right at this moment I've never felt more at peace with myself or life in general.  Never felt happier.  Ever. 

Ever. 

It hits me heavier than the man snoring on top of me how I've never, ever been this happy.  Not even when I thought I was as happy as I could ever be.  Not even with -- 

Sha'uri and I only ever had one serious fight the whole time we were together.  It started strangely, came out of nowhere, bewildered me and left a bad taste in my mouth long after we left it without ever having resolved it. 

Or me ever figuring out what it was all about in the first place.  Until this very minute, that is. 

It happened in the cartouche room.  I'd been spending more and more time there, pouring over the symbols, wondering. Nothing any more focussed than that.  Although the thought of uncovering the gate - trying some of the addresses out - was - was there, every once and a while.  Not that I would have.  Not that I needed to.  Just thinking about it.  Nothing more. 

Sha'uri hadn't been spending as much time with me in the room as she used to.  Was growing less indulgent of my fascination with it.  She wanted me to leave it, although she never came out and said as much.  She didn't have to.  I knew. 

That's why I was so surprised to see her that day, even more surprised by the way she - let me know why she'd come.  What she wanted. Wonder if I should tell Jack that this isn't exactly the first time I've made out on a cold, hard stone floor. And boy, did we ever boogie. What we did was pretty - unconventional - for us, anyway.  Oh yeah.  It was something.  And yet - it wasn't. 

Not that it wasn't good. It was good.  Like always, yet had a funny, desperate undertone to it.  Just something strangely wild and yet incomplete.  Got even stranger right after we finished. 

Instead of immediately curling up beside me as she always did Sha'uri sat up, turned and looked at me like I'd just done something wrong.  I'd let her down somehow. That was when she said it.  A few cryptic and yet disturbing phrases I never understood.  That is, until now. 

"Why do you never look at ME when we make love, Danyiel?"  she said to me with deep sorrow in her eyes.  "Why are you never with me, even when you are here? When you look at me, who are you really seeing?" 

I \- I shouted at her.  Ashamed to recall it now.  I remember being very angry.  Feeling as if what she'd just said - wasn't fair. What was she talking about, not being with her, not looking at her, I was at her side practically thirty six hours a day, did everything she wanted, didn't question, restrict, demand - what more could I do, what more could she want?  She had me - I was there.  She had everything I had to give. 

Except the one thing she really wanted.  I didn't understand that, then.  Not then, not the next day or any of the days after that one.  Didn't get what she was saying, what she was asking of me.  Didn't understand why she tried to hide the fact she was crying when I came home the next day from starting to uncover the gate. 

I get it now.  I loved Sha'uri. But not the way I love the man currently making a pancake out of me.  With my full and fervent blessings. Worlds of difference between the two.  A difference that makes - all the difference. 

All the time I was with her I really wanted him and never knew it.  But she did.  God, she did.  Especially after I let her slip through my fingers and be taken away again when I had the time and the chance to save her. 

And all this time I've been with him, I've tried to be in love with her the way I should have been. The way - the way she wanted me to be.  Not letting myself see or have the one I wanted all along. Because it would have been - wrong.  Wrong for me to have what I wanted, when I couldn't give her what she wanted. 

She deserved far better than anything I was ever capable of being for her.  Yet I know she forgave me for everything, at the very end. She trusted me with her child. 

Maybe it's time I finally forgave myself as well. 

"Finally," Jack mumbles sleepily into my ear.  "Figured it out, did you?  Took you long enough.  And they say I'm the dense one." 

I could swear I didn't say that out loud.  Positive I didn't.  Like that makes the slightest bit of difference. 

"I thought you were sleeping," I tell him fondly as I kiss the side of his face. 

"Who can sleep with all this thinking going on?"  Jack grumbles, sighs and pushes me further into the floor. 

"Ah! Ow!  Hip!  Hurt!  Floor!  OW!  MOVE!" 

"Don't gotta yell!" Jack grins as he shifts his weight off me.  Oh lord, feels good to be able to breathe again.  And yet, for all it wasn't exactly the most ideal position to be in, I feel suddenly, strangely bereft with the loss of that comfortably compacted feeling. 

Somehow Jack knows this.  He doesn't say anything as he draws me into a tight embrace.  I'm equally tacit as I become gradually reacquainted with my ass. 

"Sorry about that," Jack finally says as he reaches around and gently massages my butt.  "We should probably get up." 

"Probably," I sigh regretfully.  It just feels so good.  Feeling him.  Feeling him feeling me.  I don't want to go.  Not \- not yet.  It's too soon to leave this place.  I know he's feeling the same way. 

"Do you forgive me?" I hear myself saying. 

Jack's hand freezes.  He pulls back until he can see my face.  His dark eyes scan my features, searching, assessing. 

"What kind of a question is that?" he says finally, in a slightly apprehensive voice.  "Forgive you for what?  There's nothing to forgive." 

I said those very same words to her once. Nothing to forgive.  Only pain unwittingly inflicted without malice.  Only suffering caused by an unwillingness to look at the truth. 

No one truly meant any harm, though so much came all the same.  For all our good intentions. 

"I had a dream once where I told you the only reason I joined SG-1 was to find my wife.  When that was no longer possible - when she was gone  - I had no reason to be on the team.  So I was leaving." 

"Leaving?" he echoes softly, the pain he feels from even the suggestion I would do so plain in his expression. 

"Then I had another dream," I continue doggedly forward, determined to finish.  So he will understand.  "It showed me that was a lie.  Everything I believed about myself - every step I'd taken since we - parted - all of it was a lie. Even what I told Shifu, the reason I'd convinced myself I was doing everything I was doing.  Walking my path to honour Sha'uri's strength.  Not true.  I was trying to atone for having failed - failed both of you. 

"I should have seen it sooner, when I didn't choose again, on Abydos, when I could have saved her - brought her back to Earth in time - but I didn't.  And I STILL didn't see it.  Until trying to continue to live that lie and trying to carry the consequences of another's fate took me out onto that ledge." 

He's staring at me, stunned.  I don't even think he's breathing. 

"It wasn't the lie that took me to that edge," I tell him softly.  "It was the truth. I couldn't live the lie one more instant.  Just couldn't do it anymore. Couldn't take another step that wasn't at your side.  I - I finally chose.  Knew what I wanted. What I had to do. Who I really wanted to be with. Had always wanted to be with.  But it was too late.  I'd waited too long.  The choice was no longer mine to make.  Option expired, no chance for renewal. I was convinced I'd lost you at the same moment I finally figured out I couldn't live without you.  So I didn't want to.  You came just in time.  A few moments more -- " 

I can't finish.  It scares me to realise what almost happened. Not as much as it scares him, though.  He shudders and crushes me to him.  Doesn't make a sound as he clutches me fiercely and I hold on to him with equally terrified desperation. 

Almost \- but didn't.  Didn't.  We're both alive, both here.  Both exactly where we want to be.  No misunderstandings, no confusion.  No obstacles, impediments, complications. The path before us is free and clear. 

The radio on the cot several feet behind us crackles and pops. 

"Sir?"  Sam's voice issues out of the instrument. 

"It's too far away."  I say to Jack.  "I can't reach it." 

"Me either," Jack nods and just looks at me. 

"Guess that means one of us is going to have to get up." 

"Yup." 

"You're the one she wants to talk to." 

"Daniel?"  Sam says again.  "Uh, are you guys – um – awake?" 

I could swear I just heard her giggle. 

"Static," Jack deadpans. 

Static my ass. I'm going to be killing me one know-it-all major as soon as my colonel takes his hands off me long enough to let me get my hands on her. 

As Jack groans and finally gets up I'm suddenly thinking about noise.  As in specific kinds of noises.  Quantity, volume.  Wondering about how far sound travels in this place.  Having a sinking feeling that as soon as we see Sam's face both Jack and I are both going to wish we were dead. 

* * *

JACK

I’ve shaken my kids off in the light room to give me room to do the colonel thing; I’ve just finished my Sit Rep for Hammond and now it’s Janet’s turn. 

“How’s morale, Colonel?” 

“Everyone is doing better, Doctor.” 

“Any physiological symptoms I need to be aware of, Sir?” 

“Daniel is stabilising.  The fever spiked and broke, he got a little sleep.  His mood is settling too.  I could put it down to the narcotic, but we have managed to talk about a few things – he’s starting to remember – and I think he’s beginning to put recent events in perspective.  I’m far less concerned,” Janet graciously allows me the world class understatement, “than I was.  Carter is completely normal, no after effects whatsoever from the short withdrawal we experienced on the beach.” 

“And how are you, Sir?” 

“I said.  Daniel and Carter are fine.” 

“YOU, Sir,” Janet insists. 

“A little tired,” I admit. 

“I can see you, Sir,” Janet reminds me. 

“A lot tired.” 

Silence. 

“Completely exhausted,” I sigh.  “Mentally, physically, emotionally.  Take your pick.” 

“I want both you and Daniel to rest as much as possible, Sir.  That’s an order, by the way.” 

“Did I say a WORD?” 

“I can see you.” 

“Oh.” 

“Daniel had the most prolonged exposure to the narcotic and to the withdrawal.  You’ve experienced milder withdrawal symptoms, but you’ve also sustained several severe emotional shocks, beginning with Barber’s suicide.  Take a load off, Colonel.” 

“That an order?” 

“Yes, Sir!” 

“Janet?  Can we get some privacy?”  I’ve got something weighing on my mind. 

“We’ve got it now, Sir.  Medical privilege.” Janet chuckles malevolently. 

“I need to apologise for my unconscionable behaviour toward you in the Infirmary.  I know you were doing everything you could to help Daniel and I’m truly sorry I said otherwise.  Not gonna take the easy way out and blame the addiction, either.  For what it’s worth, I’m  - I am sorry,” I say quietly. 

“Thank you, Colonel.  That means a lot.  I – I was hurting too.  We came SO close,” Janet sighs. 

“Too close.” 

“Now, about Daniel, Sir.  Do you have those stats I wanted?” 

“I’ve been monitoring his vitals,” I suddenly hear ‘static’ behind me and turn just in time to catch my second in command, Major Samantha Carter, USAF, PhD, giggling and ostentatiously checking the pulse of my mission specialist, Doctor Daniel Jackson, PhD, PhD.  Also giggling and looking distinctly naughty. 

“Have to check for a pulse FIRST, Daniel!” 

“I beg your pardon?” I intone with freezing disapproval. 

The two of them dissolve into helpless laughter.  I hope to God I’m not blushing when I turn back to Janet.  I can’t believe I was dumb enough to leave the goddamn channel open on the radio.  Rookie mistake.  She must have heard EVERYTHING.  No.  No.  She wouldn’t.  Not Carter.  No way. 

“Why don’t you two children just run along and play in the nice light room?” I suggest sternly. 

“’K – ‘Kay.  W – w - we b – b - better put it in gear, Jack,” Daniel stammers, holding onto Carter for dear life. 

“We left the engine running!” Carter gasps and they make a run for it. 

I turn slowly back to Janet.  “I forgot to mention one side effect.  They’re acting like five year olds.” 

“Sir, do you have a temperature?  You look a little flushed.” 

I wind it down rapidly and beat a strategic withdrawal.  Carter heard a lot, and what she didn’t – crap – she did.  She heard everything.  You can hear a pin drop in the deathly hush here and with all that enthusiasm – gasping, moaning, howling, screaming of specific names – she could hardly fail to miss it.  What the hell could she do?  Bang on the door and ask the colonel to kindly have his ecstatic illicit sex without the sound effects? 

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. 

She heard EVERYTHING and now I have to walk right through the light room.  Past her.  Past him. I can’t even pull the colonel thing, under the circumstances.  I’m actually quite touched to see a little of ‘Sam’ and to know that my loving Daniel is absolutely fine with her, but still, I got a reputation to maintain.  The only thing I can do is whip up the trauma, make them feel like crap.  They think they can take Jack O’Neill?  They don’t have kids.  They know NOTHING. 

I trudge into the light room to find two very wilful, still giggling children, two pairs of big blue eyes daring me to make something of it. 

I stop in front of them.  Start to speak.  Stop.  Hang my head a little.  Make it obvious I can’t make eye contact.  The giggling stops.  Defiance shades into apprehension.  I lift my weary head and give them a long, hurt look.  And they fall for it hook, line and sinker.  I’ve never pulled the weary old man act on them before.  Big blue eyes fill with guilt and dismay as I turn and walk slowly away, ignoring a tentative “Sir?” and a hesitant “Jack?”  Bless them. 

It won’t take Daniel long to work out how he can make it up to me, but Carter is going to have to get creative.  Can’t hardly wait. 

When I get into our room, I realise where all the naughtiness came from.  The two little ones have been revisiting the scene of the crime.  Exit two single cots, enter one king sized air bed, conveniently situated next to the wall, pillows provided, and sleeping bag cover temptingly turned down, ready for action.  Bless Carter’s wicked little heart. 

Janet has forgiven me.  The pillows are from the Infirmary.  I’m guessing my abject emotional state got me the sympathy vote.  Crap.  No wonder she picked me up on it.  I must be starting to look as bad as I feel when I don’t watch myself.  Daniel will fret if I’m not careful.  Both the kids will fret.  Daniel only remembers some of it, it’s not fair on him for me to be pathologically over-protective.  I can be it, just can’t act it.  And I gotta watch myself from shading too far in the opposite direction.  Even Daniel couldn’t take me perky. 

Ahh, the hell with it.  They made this bed, I’m gonna lie in it.  I was ordered to take it easy.  I can’t take it any easier than being naked and horizontal.  I shuck my uniform and dive in.  No point being gentle.  It’s going to be seeing a lot of action.  Daniel has four years of celibacy to make up for and I’m a randy bastard. 

Just let me rest my eyes for a minute. 

* * *

“Jack?” 

“Mm-hm?” 

“Are you awake?” 

“Uh-uh.” 

“You’re not awake?  I see.  Well, I might be able to see if you’d come out from under there.” 

“Uh-uh.”  I’m nice and cosy in here unless you’re willing to make a better offer.  I snuggle deeper while Daniel formulates his strategy. 

“I can get naked.” 

“Lap.”  I lift a tempting corner of the cover. 

“No.  I am not a child.  I’m not sitting in your lap.” 

I yank the cover pointedly back down into my cocoon.  He managed just fine on the floor earlier. 

“Oh, for cryin’ out loud!” Daniel snaps.  I hear a lot of encouraging activity, including an Abydonian curse apparently wished – cursed? - on all combat boots.  “If you tell a living soul!” Daniel threatens.  Then gasps with horror. 

Gotcha.  Don’t mess with the best, my love. 

I emerge from under the cover, unfortunately bearing no resemblance whatsoever to Aphrodite rising from the foam, dispose myself comfortably among the pillows, and smugly await the delivery of my naked archaeologist for some quality lap time.  Daniel is in fact already naked, eyeing me with fond dislike.  Guess the honeymoon is over. 

I’ve got the home field advantage and I press it.  Time for Daniel to learn the true depths of the horrific ordeal to which I was subjected.  Don’t want him thinking I take him for granted. 

“If you worship those worthy of worship, who've transcended complications, lamentation, and grief, who are unendangered, fearless, unbound: there's no measure for reckoning your merit.” 

Daniel freezes a step too close to me to be safe, and I pull him down onto my lap before he can utter a protest.  He protests quite a lot once he’s actually on my lap, but given his head snuggles straight onto my shoulder and he starts playing with my hair, I don’t take it too seriously. 

“I don’t know what that means,” he murmurs, before nibbling my ear.   He gets me all excited, then breathes huskily, “Go on.  Admit it.  You made that up.” 

Sneaky.  I approve. 

“I didn’t,” I say smugly. “And I DO.” 

“You do?  You do what?” I don’t think Danny got enough to eat.  He’s taking bites outta my jaw. 

“Know what it means.  I worked it out.” 

“Smart guy,” Daniel whispers in my ear.  “I’m completely impressed you remembered it all.” 

He’s teasing.  I know he is.  I – I know.  Just catches me a little on the raw. 

“Smarter than me, Jack.  If you weren’t, I’d still be fully dressed and making WICK jokes from way over there.” 

I stiffen.  In more ways than one. 

Daniel chuckles.  “Right in front of George. I don’t know how you dared!  I do know only you could have gotten away with it.  You’re a handful,” he sighs, kissing me sweetly. 

I allow myself to be soothed. 

“You want to explain that cryptic remark?” 

“I could explain, but then you’d only understand my explanation, not what I said,” I say crisply. 

“I guess so,” Daniel gives me a surprised, admiring look.  And a somewhat more passionate kiss. 

I cave. “Okay.  You’ve won me over with your awesome powers of persuasion. That cryptic thing?  That’s you,” I admit. “According to Shifu!” I add hastily, just in case he thinks I’m getting all sensitive on him, grinning as he blushes furiously, sweet lips parting in surprise. Not in invitation, but I sneak in anyway, making him laugh. 

“It’s just that we like you, me and Shifu both.”  I give him a tragic look.  “Do you have any idea what I’ve been through for you, Danny? I’ve suffered.  Big time.  Zen style. The little bugger outsmarted me.  Had to sweat.  Had to WORK for you.  Had to think things through.”  I lean my forehead against his, and confess a terrible secret.  “I  - I got in touch with my FEELINGS, Danny.”  I hang my head and own up to the worst, the very worst of all.  “It was terrible.  I went down fighting, I really did.  You have to believe me.  But in the end – I - I had to TALK about them!” 

Daniel tries heroically to stem the tide, but the little chokes of laughter get away from him.  He laughs and laughs until the tears come.  Not many, but he looks and feels a lot better for both. 

I stroke his hair back from his brow and soothe us both by slipping my fingers into the silky strands. 

“It’s taken me a long time to realise this and it’s been – difficult – to face, Daniel.  Some of what you told me changes things, but I still want you to know the truth.  I never knew myself until Shifu made me take a good, hard look.  I’ve been afraid of losing you from almost the moment we met.”  Daniel shifts convulsively in my arms, and I quieten him with a finger across his lips.  “No, Daniel, please.  Let ME speak.  I’ve never forgiven you for staying on Abydos, for choosing her over me.  I made sure I never gave you a chance to not chose me again.  I had to call the shots for both of us, on my terms.  When you started to pull ahead of me, I pushed you away before you could leave me behind again.” 

“Shifu told me the wounds that did not heal were me, that I returned to the same crap, the same craving over and over again.  I couldn’t let it be, I couldn’t let it go, I couldn’t move on.  I’ve learned my lesson.  I let it go. I forgave you, and I forgave Sha’uri for taking you from me.  Me not trusting you, being scared and taking it out on you without ever telling you why?  Let myself off the hook about that too. As for the future  - it’s all about trust. Me respecting you enough to allow you to make up your own mind.   Okay, I was hoping you'd choose me, but I had to let go of that and let you - do the coming.”  I don’t think that came out quite right.  “I even got the stuff about being selfless, but hell, Shifu is only two going on sixty four.  He never factored in your partially naked body sprawled all over the place.  I fell off the wagon.” 

“I didn’t choose.  I was chosen.  All this time, God – I –“ Daniel’s voice is choked. 

“It makes me feel a lot better.  I put my faith in you and you came through for me.  You chose ME, Daniel.  You’ll never know how much that means to me.” I kiss his brow gently.  “And you have to let go too.” 

“Deny the battle,” Daniel whispers, an odd glow in his eyes. 

“It’s not as catchy as the let go thing, but yeah, essentially.  Are we – are you okay with this?  Really hoping this was a one shot deal, here.  Y’know?  Back to inarticulate, awkward silences.  More my speed.  Getting in touch with your feelings wears you out.  We can talk some more if you like,” I offer heroically, “Or we could go for some physical therapy.” 

Daniel looks as if he doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  “Of a – of a sexual nature?” 

I brighten right up.  The worst is over and he’s still on my lap, talking about sex.  “I’m thinking primal scream.  Catharsis.” 

“Cathartic sexual therapy?” 

“Yes, please.”  I give him my best sultry look.  “You like words.  I can give you lots and lots of words.  Good words.” 

“Are you coming on to me, Jack O’Neill?” 

“Depends.  Is it working?” 

“Gimme.” 

Thankfully, Daniel has apparently agreed to table any serious response until we’re both up to more discussion.  Or possibly until he thinks I’m up to more discussion.  I’m probably kidding myself here, but I’d also like to think the sight of my naked body does enough for him to have played some small part in that decision. 

I have no idea how well this will be received, but Daniel is a linguist and he may just be impressed by MY only claim to linguistic fame.  I take a deep breath.  “Just a snippet.  Just to get you warmed up.” 

“Foreplay,” Daniel murmurs suggestively, licking a warm trail over my cheekbone. 

I take another deep breath.  “And here's a new trick, Mr Knox -- Socks on chicks and chicks on fox.  Fox on clocks on bricks and blocks.  Bricks and blocks on Knox on blocks.” 

Daniel kneels astride me, wraps his arms around my neck and kisses me fervently.  “More!” 

“Try to say this, Mr, Knox, please -- Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.  While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.  Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.  Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze. That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.” 

Daniel starts to let out those delicious chokes of laughter again. 

“Sex and Seuss.” 

“You never cease to amaze me with all YOUR talents, Jack O’Neill.” Daniel hesitates.  “Charlie?” 

I nod at the gentle question.  I read them to him so often I memorised them. 

“And you’ve got me.  Got me cold.  I can’t do that,” Daniel admires. 

“Well then -- bring your mouth this way.  I'll find it something it can say.” 

My linguist leans in for his kiss and tells me he loves me without having to say a single word. 

Except ‘Mmm’. 

* * *

DANIEL

It feels so good to be alive. 

Another simple truth I hardly understood until now. It's funny how a lot of things are suddenly coming clear.  All I had to do was let it go and let it happen. 

Sam elbows me sharply in the side. I catch Jack's exasperated eye as I turn and swiftly punch her in the arm.  He's thoroughly disgusted with the pair of us.  Says he prefers the more 'mature' company of Loren 'cause we're acting like five year olds'. 

So, what of it? So what if we are? We're having FUN!  I don't think either one of us got to do this stuff when we were kids and it was okay to act like we were five.  Or ten. Or just like every other kid who wasn't some kind of freaking genius. Too busy 'living up to our potential' to cut loose and have fun. 

Sam and I have both come from a past stripped of innocence by loss and the 'otherness' of our very being. We know what it feels like to grow up way too soon. To have to be something we're not ready for way before it should have been required of us.  This is something Jack can't relate to  - our sudden, mutual need to let all the barriers fall away and just - cut loose. 

But it's more than that.  Not simply the two of us trying to pack too many lost years into a few carefree weeks.  This is about Sam and me doing our own version of making up for lost time between us. We've got a few things to work out.  We've found our own unique avenue of expression.  Jack's just going to have to deal with it. And take being assigned the role of 'designated parent' with his usual quiet aplomb and generous grace.  What does he expect?  He's been calling us 'kids' for the past four years.  We're finally living up to the billing. 

Mind you, he's awfully cute when he's sulking. 

Sam rolls her eyes in a derisive response to the blow. "Pfffft!"  she snorts.  "That all ya got, dirtboy?  I hardly even felt that!" 

OW!  Felt that!  God, can she PUNCH!  From the way he winced, even Jack felt that one.  Loren is so shocked he's stopped chewing.  Sitting beside Jack, his eyes wide with puzzled apprehension at the spectacle of two grown-ups wailing on each other with ferocious gusto. 

"Cut that out!"  Jack growls.  "Settle down and eat your lunch.  You keep this up I'm gonna have to separate you." 

"She started it!"  I tell him indignantly as I give Sam a healthy shove. Not quite tumbling her off her stool, but damned close. 

"Oh!  You rotten LIAR!" she sputters, flinging aside her lunch before flinging herself at me.   "Get ready to kiss the floor!" 

"Bring it on!  You don't scare me!" I yell as she pushes me over backwards. 

That's not true, she scares me lots.  I'm glad she actually likes me, or I'd be in serious danger of getting severely thumped.  However, I have an ace in the hole.  I can run for my life like nobody's business.  Years of practice, especially the last four.  If I can get to my feet she won't see me for dust. 

Problem is, she damned well knows it too.  I let her get that arm-lock on me she's going for, I'm not going to be going anywhere.  Shit!  She's strong!  If I don't do something soon there's definitely some floor kissing looming in my immediate future.  Ah well, desperate times call for desperate measures.  She has this vulnerable spot - if I can just reach - 

"Come on, Danny!"  Jack urges as he gets to his feet and moves toward us. To referee or gloat, not sure which.  He's grinning though, getting into it. 

"Gonna let a GIRL beat you up?"  he jeers. 

"Wouldn't be the first time, Jack!"  I gasp.  "What, you want me to hit a lady?" 

"I'm no LADY!"  Sam crows.  "I'm a MAJOR!" 

"Why don't you bite her?"  Jack shrugs, trying to be helpful. 

Hmmm.  Now there's a thought.  No.  She'd just bite me back.  That would hurt. However, I don't have to.  I've reached my objective. Left side. Right there.  Give it a good poke -- 

"SHIT!"  she cries out, laughing and reflexively cringing away from my prodding finger.  Letting go, shifting her weight just enough for me to -- 

Dump her on her ass, scramble to my feet and take off like a mad bunny on speed.  Which I proceed to do with all alacrity and despatch. Not to mention a certain element of desperation. No way she's got a prayer of catching me.  Nobody can run for the hills like me. I take the gold every time in the hundred yard mad dash for safety in the survival Olympics.  I'm good at fleeing.  Still alive, aren't I? Right now I'm going for breaking a few personal best speed records. 

"You're dead, Jackson!"  she calls out from behind me.  Way behind me. 

"Have to catch me first!" I look over my shoulder and holler back at her.  Which is why I don't see Teal'c until I've run right into him. 

As immovable objects go, Teal'c is a fairly impressive one. Who am I kidding, he'd make a great wall. I don't even shift him as I hit him full on. 

I'm still seeing stars by the time Sam, Loren and Jack catch up to us. 

"Hiya, Teal'c," Jack calls out.  His voice has a slight edge to it.  "Whatchadoin?" 

I'll leave it to Teal'c to field this one.  Much too busy trying to force my collapsed lungs to function once more.  If it wasn't for Teal'c holding me up I'd be on the floor. 

"I am assisting DanielJackson," he declaims in what for him is as close to a matter of fact tone of voice as he is ever going to get.  Which still sounds like 'Sermon on the Mount,' but that's Teal'c.  "He appears to be having difficulty breathing." 

'Hit the wall," I wheeze. 

"Ran right into you, did he?" Jack says sceptically. 

"Indeed," Teal'c affirms. 

"Might be easier for him to breathe if you weren't squeezing him so tight." 

Oh, more than an edge.  Jack's getting testy.  Also, for the first time I'm becoming aware Teal'c has a grip on me bordering on - emphatic. 

"I am merely ensuring he does not fall down." 

That's nice.  I think.  Wouldn't mind sitting down right now, though.  I'm getting a bit confused by the by-play.  Not to mention the suddenly challenging protectiveness Teal'c is giving off in waves. 

There's something going on here.  Looks like, as usual, I'm the last one to know. 

"Thanks, Teal'c, but I'm okay, now," I tell him as I lift my head off his shoulder.  He instantly releases me as I show him I can stand on my own two feet. 

Loren steps in front of Jack, who was swiftly closing the gap between us.  His bright, young eyes are full of questions as they fasten on our large friend. 

"Did you bring it?"  he demands. 

"I did," Teal'c tells him gravely. 

"Cool!" the boy enthuses.  Jack shrugs, completely avoiding any responsibility for being a bad influence, then it occurs to him he has a question of his own. 

"Bring what?" he asks Loren. 

"ICE CREAM!" 

"Snacks!"  Jack says with a wide, anticipatory grin, his former issues evidently forgotten in lieu of an impending opportunity to indulge himself.  "Hope you brought enough for everyone." 

"Me too," I affect a mournful glance at no one in particular.  "If you didn't, Sam will beat us up and eat it all herself. She can take us all, you know.  Told me so.  Excuse me, I have to GO now." 

I only just evade her fist and take off at a dead run down the hall, the major in hot pursuit. The wall that walks like a man safely behind me so there's no chance I'll be running into him again any time soon. I'm also fully aware I've just stuck Jack with the explanation. Sorry Jack, you're on your own.  Busy running, here. 

* * *

I'm sitting in front of the gate when our paths cross again. 

I don't know what it is.  I can't seem to stay away from this thing. Just keeps calling me back, like it's got one more secret it wants to whisper in my ear.  All I have to do is keep on coming back for more. 

I know all about secrets.  I've got a big one, one I've been carrying around for far too long.  Seems like this is the proper place to finally let it go, and release someone else from its obligation as well. 

"I am pleased to see you are well, DanielJackson," Teal'c says quietly, still managing to startle me.  He's standing right by my side, and I didn't hear him make a sound as he approached me.  My long, dark, silent shadow.  Loyal to a fault, protector, defender, custodian of my deepest shame, the uncomplaining bearer of the burden of needless guilt he took for my sake. 

An undeserving casualty of my unwillingness to choose.  I understand now why I truly needed to remove him from my existence during the time I spent in the realm of could have been.  He was the only one who knew my secret.  The only one who knew the awful truth.  I had to make him disappear.   It was the only way I could bury what he knew with him. 

It's time to set all three of us free. 

"Hey, Teal'c," I motion for him to sit down beside me.  "Good to see you, too." 

He doesn't move, but continues to stand over me.  He studies me carefully, like I've seen him examine me many times before.  I'm never quite sure what he's looking for, exactly what it is he's seeing. As he's yet to tell me, I guess I'll go on not knowing. 

"You have changed," he announces finally.  "That which was troubling you no longer does so." 

No it doesn't.  And you, my friend, are a very observant man.  Scarcely a newsflash, though. 

"Jack and I have - connected.  Come to an understanding. It's - it's good." 

I don't know what to tell him because I'm suddenly not sure how much he wants to know. 

"I am pleased for you," he says quietly. 

He is.  He means it. I'm suddenly even more confused, and not at all sure why. 

But I put it aside for another time.  I don't want to talk about Jack right now.  I beckon to him again to join me on the floor.  This time he nods and complies. 

He assumes a position close to me with efficient grace, then turns an expectant gaze upon me.  He knows I'm about to tell him something, but he won't ask.  He waits until I'm ready to give. 

This isn't going to come out right, but I have to say it now or it's not going to come out at all. 

"We've got some unfinished business, the three of us," I begin quietly.  "You, me - and Sha'uri.  It's time we settled up and closed the book.  For good." 

His dark eyes are grave, deep pools of inscrutability.  He's trying not to let me see what he's never wanted me to know.  How much it's hurt him - to have to hurt me.  Always, because of her. 

"You're not to feel bad about choosing her," I tell him frankly. Start at the beginning.  The first black mark he etched on his soul for my sake. Wipe it away.  Once and for all.  "You didn't even know who she was and besides, you were simply the instrument. The agent of another's will.  The blame is his, not yours.  I don't want this from you - let it go." 

He blinks, but otherwise doesn't move.  Carved of ebony he stares at me, his aspect as immutable as his being. 

"The business with the Hammer," I start again.  "I want you to let that go as well.  That wasn't even really about you, it's something Jack and I have to settle. He saw a chance to - he made me to do it because he needed me to prove - " I have to stop for a minute.  This one is hard.  I DID blame Teal'c for the longest time, somewhere in the deep recesses where I put things I can't afford to let myself look at.  It's only very recently I realised what actually happened that day.  Why it really happened.  I've been figuring out quite a few things in the wake of Shifu's lesson.  This is one of them. But certainly not the least of the things I've finally seen the light about. 

"You were not at fault, you were simply an - opportunity - to force an issue. I understand that now.  So should you.  Let it go." 

He still says nothing.  We both know I'm not done yet.  There's more.  This one - this is going to be the hardest one of all for both of us to face and let go of.  But it's the last strand holding this triangle of sorrow together.  Guilt has fettered the three of us for far too long. We can't move on from this place until I sever the bonds. 

"I figured it out," I tell him finally.  "I know you've known since you went to Abydos with me, but I've only just let myself see it.  I can't tell you how sorry I am for forcing you to make a choice - never should have happened.  If I hadn't waited - if I'd brought her straight back to Earth with me - but that would have meant - choosing between them again.   Couldn't.  Didn't.  Waited.  Waited until circumstances chose for me.  Could have saved her.  Didn't.  Let Apophis take her back. Let it fall to you to finally settle it - once and for all - to make a choice I was too cowardly to make when I should have." 

This finally moves him so profoundly he can no longer hide what he's feeling. He looks distressed, as if he's beginning to speak but I hold up my hand to stop him. 

"No.  I have to get this out.  Please."  He regards me with dark eyes of concern but remains silent. 

"All this time I've been blaming everyone else for Sha'uri's death.  Blaming the Goa'uld, the fates, hard luck, bad timing.  Blaming you.  All this time you took the rap for killing her, when you knew what really happened.  Took it and never said a word. 

"Well, my friend, I don't deserve the sacrifice and I'm taking it back from you.  You might have been forced to pull the trigger but Sha'uri's death is my fault.  I should have taken her home when I had the chance.  If I had, she'd still be alive, and you wouldn't have had to kill her for my sake. 

"It's not your fault.  I told you at the time: you did the right thing. You did - but it never should have come down to you.  You had no choice - you did the only thing you could have, because when I had the chance I didn't do everything I should have.  Everything I could have. You knew this, all this time, and yet - you never blamed me for what I made you do.  I don't know what else to say to you except I'm sorry, and it's time we finally both let go of Sha'uri and let her rest in peace." 

He doesn't say anything. Just nods.  He places a huge hand on my shoulder, turns his face away. As I study his strong, impassive profile I see something extraordinary. 

A faint glimmer, at the corner of his eye.  So slight, so barely formed it is almost imperceptible.  The mere breath of a tear, glistening hesitantly against the support of the lid. 

Before I have a chance to see any more he rises and glides quietly away from me. 

Thank you, my friend.  I hope your road is lighter now that you don't have quite so much to carry. Good-bye, Sha'uri.  I did love you.  As truly as I could. However we came to be, I don't regret it.  I don't regret you.  Maybe it shouldn't have been, but I will always cherish what was.  What we did have the chance to experience together.  I will always cherish and remember you, but it's time to stop walking the path of atonement.  Time to step out of your shadow and into his light. 

* * *

"Danny?  Danny - where the hell are you?  You gotta come and see this!  Teal'c is playing tag with Sam and Loren.  No foolin'!  Damndest thing I ever - I think this place is driving everyone nuts.  DANNY!  Where the - oh, what, back to staring at this thing again?" 

"Jack," I murmur as he thuds down beside me.  Not much grace, but plenty of enthusiasm. 

"What's so fascinating about this thing anyway?"  he complains as he screws up his face at the gate.  "Just a stupid old Stargate.  I can think of better things you could be staring at," he leers expectantly at me. 

"Only staring?" I ask. 

"It's a place to start," he grins. "So you gonna give up this thing you have with the gate and let ME chase you around the place for a bit?" 

I shake my head. "I think I've done enough running for a lifetime." 

"Okay," Jack ventures, trying to gauge my mood like he's surveying an enemy's fortifications for the best way to breach the walls.  I guess I've made him do a lot of this sort of thing lately.  I'll cut him a break this time. 

"Tell you about the dream Shifu gave me, if you like." 

"The dream?"  He lights up like a wino who's just found a twenty dollar bill.  "No foolin’?"  Then he stops to consider the consequences of getting what he's been after for ages.  Something I have been obstinately insistent he's not going to be getting. 

He smells a trap.  He's got good instincts. He's also got a fatal flaw.  When it comes to me, he's a lot more curious than he is cautious.  Gets him every time. 

As will I. 

"It's not a lot of metaphysical mumbo jumbo hocus pocus crap I'm not going to get and is just going to make my head hurt, is it?"  he asks me suspiciously. 

"Nope," I reassure him as I stand up and pull him up after me.  "Matter of fact, you should find it really interesting. I was the smartest guy in the world - " 

"Oh \- no delusions of grandeur, here," he scoffs as he slides his arm around my waist. 

"Wait, it gets better!"  I figure one good hand deserves another, but mine is going a little further south.  He doesn't seem to mind.  "I had all these people working for me and we built this huge underground high tech mission control bunker. Biggest damned big screen TV on the planet.  And you should have seen my chair.  It was cool.  Big chair. All the bells and whistles and then some.  Even made coffee. Seriously.  Would have given both Captain Kirk and Jean-Luc severe chair-envy." 

"So, you had a fancy hole in the ground and a big seat," Jack pats my ass to reassure me he wasn't meaning for me to take it as a personal comment.  I don't.  We keep walking down the hall and I do a little patting of my own. 

"Yeah, I launched this satellite weapons system up in orbit and then I used it to take over the world." 

He stops walking, turns and gapes at me.  "You? Doing a Doctor Evil?  Doctor Evil Jackson?"  He's grinning from ear to ear.  "No way!  Did you do the thing with the finger?  What about the cat?  Tell me you had a cat!" 

He's so hopeful I almost lie.  "Nope.  No finger.  No cat.  No Mini Me  either. Sorry." 

"Eww." Jack makes a face.   "Wasn't going to go there.  No cats, huh? I knew it," he shakes his head sorrowfully.  "I knew a perfectly good megalomaniac’s fantasy would be wasted on you.  Bet you didn't even posture and make tacky speeches." 

No. No tacky speeches.  No words could quite cover what I did. That's a small detail I don't plan on sharing with him. 

"Was I in it?"  he asks hopefully as we start walking again and cover the rest of the distance to our room.  Like I ever had any doubt that's where we were headed. 

"So what was I doing?" he asks in response to my affirmative nod. 

"Bringing me flowers," I breathe as he pulls me into him. 

"Flowers?"  he peers at me suspiciously.  "Flowers?  Why would I do a dumb-ass thing like that?" 

My colonel the romantic. Time to play a little fast and loose with the truth. 

"Because, I guess, you heard Paul - Major Davis - brought me chocolates." 

"Davis?"  Jack roars.  "That sneaky rat bast - " 

He breaks off in mid rant and glares at me. 

"You are lying through your teeth, aren't you?" 

I can't hold it in anymore.  I start laughing.  I'm practically helpless as Jack groans and tosses me back on the mattress.  "Should have known you'd - you've been winding me up this whole time, haven't you? 'Doctor Evil Jackson'!  As if!" 

Not the whole time.  Most of it was true. But he doesn't know that.  And now he'll never ask me about it again.  Which is pretty much the way I want it. Jack's curiosity is rivalled only by his tenacity.  He'd worry this particular bone for the next ten years if that's what it took for me to finally break down and tell him what happened.  That's something I have no intention of ever doing.  I know it's probably unfair of me.  After all, he didn't get to hide his deliberately genocidal moment from me on Abydos.  But there was a vast difference behind why we both pushed our respective buttons.  He sought to destroy in order to preserve and protect.  I did it because I felt like it. And I could. 

It's bad enough I have to live with seeing that part of myself.  No reason he should be subjected to it as well.  He has a certain high opinion of me I haven't the heart to disabuse him of.  Maybe someday I'll actually become the person he thinks I am.   I can think of worse goals to strive for. 

He seems to have utterly forgiven me my little deception.  It would appear he's decided he has better things to do with his time than talk.  More than fine by me.  He rips off his T-shirt and flings himself down on top of me.  Kissing.  Lots of kissing.  Definitely better than talking. 

I know the same bright burning, the singing sense of rightness rising within me as his touch inflames both my body and my soul.  He burns, he shines, together we're incandescent. More than seen the light \- we are the light.  As long as we love, we'll always see our way clear. 

It's still a long, uncertain road, but as long as we walk it together, we'll get where we're going.  He leads, and I pick the direction.  He holds the sword, I have the compass.  He blazes the trail, and I can see where we have to go. 

Teamwork in the fullest sense of the word.  What Shifu said, about a man ultimately travelling his chosen path alone, might be true. But nowhere is it written that path can't run right alongside another one.  Going in exactly the same direction.  Crossing, for a time. 

The time stretching from now 'til the rest of our lives. 

His hand pauses in its welcome meandering across my torsal topography. After a short pause he pulls out of a deep and prolonged kiss I was rather enjoying to draw back and give me a slightly anxious glance. 

"Whatcha thinking about?" he queries carefully. 

"Nothing," I respond carelessly before I fully comprehend the apprehension in his eyes.  He's worried about something.  Deeply.  I'm confused about his concern, but before I have a chance to ask him what's wrong he tells me. 

"If you say so," he returns without conviction.  "It's just sometimes you go to this -- place.  You're here, and then the next minute you're somewhere - I guess it's somewhere you don't want me to go. Feel like you can't - I wouldn't want to know.  That's okay," he says quickly, looking away so I won't see the sudden flaring of fear in his eyes, "I guess you've -- well -- we've all got stuff we're not proud of.  I just wanted you to know - you don't have to - I mean - it doesn't matter what it is. You've seen me at my very worst and yet, here you are. You like me anyway.  Go figure.  I don't want you thinking you can't -- You don't have to do this on your own, anymore," he blurts out at me defiantly.  "You're not alone anymore.  I got broad shoulders.  Use 'em.  I can handle whatever it is you've got.  Not scared to go with you, anywhere you need to go." 

He means it. He wants to know.  He wants to help.  He loves me. Whatever I think is the very worst I could be is nothing to him.  He doesn't see the stains and spots.  He just sees - me.  The brilliant reality of his fierce, honest faith in me illuminates my soul. That's when I know.  When I truly understand. 

I'll tell him everything.  No reason I shouldn't.  Every reason I should.  I have nothing to lose except a burden I don't need.  'Doctor Jackson' might be in me, I might carry the memory of his existence, but he has no power over me. I can take the lesson and move on from the teaching.   I will never be him.  No danger of that ever happening.  Not now. All I have to do is look at the man before me, see what he sees when he looks at me. 

Daniel.  I'm Daniel.  Not the worst man in the world.  Certainly not the smartest.  But definitely the luckiest.  Maybe I don't have a cool chair and a big screen, but I got something the doctor didn't get, for all he thought he had the world by the short and curlies. 

I got the colonel. By finally not fighting the one battle I could never, ever lose.  Up yours, doc. Score the only victory that matters to DAN-iel. 

"What's so funny?"  Jack peers suspiciously at me as I start to chuckle. 

"I'll tell you later.  I promise.  Right now I'd like to engage in a little research.  Test out a premise advanced by a friend of mine." 

"Oh?" Jack says warily. 

"Yeah," I look up at him and deliberately, slowly run the tip of my tongue across my lower lip. He gulps and shudders as his eyes track the movement with hungry anticipation. 

"I want to find out if it is really better to have a big – long - wick.  What do you say, Jack, are you up for a little -- experimentation?" 

His wide, lascivious grin tells me everything I need to know. I'm talking science he can understand, and he thoroughly approves of my methodology. Completely dedicated to the task of proving the premise.  He's got a hell of a wick.  And that's no joke.  The immediate future promises to be very - illuminating. 

"About the results, though," I murmur as his lips hover close to mine.  "Hands - too full - to take notes.  Gonna have to be an oral report." 

"Best kind," he breathes into my mouth. 

Mmmmmm hnmmmmm -- 

* * *

EPILOGUE

"Do you trust me?" he breathes as his intention burgeons in his dark, desperate eyes.  I know what he's asking of me.  Know what he needs to do.  Never done this, never thought and now, and yet, as I look, see, feel, feel him touching me, kissing me, surrounding me with his reality; hot, heavy warmth - his taste, his smell, the sound of his harsh, rapid breathing - swarming my senses inflaming my mind -- 

Not enough.  Not enough to simply feel him everywhere outside on my skin.  Barriers - no barriers.  Walls.  All my life, I've needed walls between me and everything else.  Now, the walls that protected me are holding me back.  Keeping me from knowing him, understanding.  Need to take him in, need to feel - need to know what he is.  Need him to -- 

"Do you trust me?" he groans again, hand trembling, making me shiver as it roams purposefully across my sweating skin.  Feel him touch - never been touched - not there - should be afraid, he is and yet he can't help himself, he needs this as much as I do.  Needs to know me, to be by breaking through, pushing forward - thrusting - GOD! 

Fire erupting, shooting, turning me to flame as his fingers push, explore, reach inside me.  Not enough.  Not enough for either of us.  He's kissing me frantically, mad with his passion, heaving, heavy hardness ramming into my stomach.  I clutch him, feel him throbbing, sticky, vital.  Hear him cry out, feel him quake with the sensations as I touch him, stroke him.  Hold him in my hand, feel him but it's not enough, I need more.   Need more of him, all of him.  NOW! 

So close, so close to having what we've both been wanting, needing in each other.  Only one thing left we both must do for each other.  Something we've never been able to before. 

Surrender. 

"Danny?" he moans into me as his kisses consume me.  He's desperate, insane, pleading, must have and yet cannot take, can only ask, must wait for me to give; he must let me open to receive him. 

"Yes," I answer him with everything I am, my body trembling, aching and willing beneath him, must have, must feel, must know but can't unless he accepts, shares, enters within. 

Sensations, brilliant, blinding, bursting through as he - oh God, filling, moving, deeper, not familiar but not pain oh, anything but pain  - more - more - don't hold back - don't be afraid - not hurting me, won't hurt me - love - love you -- 

"Oh God!  Oh Jack!" 

"Sorry \- sorry!  I'm hurting you.  DAMMIT!  Danny  - I'll \- I'll stop --" 

"NO!  I'm okay, I'm okay!  Don't - don't stop. God, don't stop.  Please!" 

Reaching up, pulling him down, pulling him in, farther, deeper, more; reassuring, kissing, stroking.  Move toward, open wider, it's okay, love you, know you love me.   Know it now, like I never did before. 

Falling further into me, he's falling away from reason, taking me along for the ride.  I'm soaring on the crest of his insistent, pounding rhythm, becoming singing fire in answer to his naked desire.  He's pure, glorious, primal, his entire awareness concentrated, given to me, driving into me, all of him deep inside me, farther, further, coming closer, drawing me with him, spiralling steadily upward toward the edge. 

Close, so close to falling.  I'm swelling with his life, aglow with his light must look up, must see.  He's gasping, grunting, his face - so  - so - beautiful - never seen him like this before, so utterly open, exposed to me, stripped of all pretence by the honest power of his passion.  His familiar features roughly twisted in a mask of pleasure, so raw and yet so - magnificent.  He's - he's magnificent.  His eyes are tightly closed, chest heaving and labouring as he rocks and thrusts.  Sweat streaming down his undulating, sinuous body, tears tracking his flushed, red face.  Reach up, touch, taste. 

"Love you." 

"Danny!  Danny - I - GOD, OH GOD --" 

He's screaming, sobbing, his joy, his love calling me further, asking me, telling me - I'm standing on the edge - the abyss beneath me - never let myself let go - not like this - what's waiting - don't know.  Don't have to go, can hold back, can still feel without letting - without letting all of it go.  Didn't - couldn't with her.  Always held something back. Couldn't let it all go. Couldn't let myself fall. 

Standing on the edge.  Suddenly, no fear.  What's waiting for me down there?  Him.  He'll be there; he'll catch me.  What am I protecting?  Why am I holding back?  What have I got to lose?  Nothing to lose.  So much more to find.  Wait for me, Jack, I'm coming. 

I call his name as I open my eyes and jump. 

FINIS 


End file.
